


Damage Control

by ifangirloverthese



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: BoyxBoy, M/M, Otabek Altin - Freeform, Yaoi, Yuri Plisetsky - Freeform, Yuri on Ice - Freeform, Yurio, otabek x yuri - Freeform, otayuri - Freeform, yuri x otabek, yuri!!! on ice - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:35:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 45,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9822890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifangirloverthese/pseuds/ifangirloverthese
Summary: When Otabek was given his first assignment in the Introductory Carer Program, he naively assumed that his debut case would be an easy one. Instead, he was paired with Yuri Plisetsky, a boy who never left his house and was something of a mystery and a point of pain for his plethora of carers he'd chased away.Initially, Otabek was skeptic. Never before had he met somebody quite so difficult to get through to, but he wouldn't allow himself to be discouraged. He was going to help this sad soul and get to the bottom of what had caused his anguish.{infrequent mild language, non-explicit scenes of sexual content}[completed]





	1. Chapter 1

Otabek had joined the Introductory Carer Programme set up by the Independent Carer Programme after much debate with his university professors, who were worried that he didn't have enough work experience. At 20, it was too late for him to get normal work experience, and he was qualified enough to get a placement there as a part-time job, so on a cold day in early September he found himself in the boss' office with a thick brown file in his hands, the sheets of paper within well-thumbed and softened at the edges from examination. Whoever had last been in charge of it must have been anxious, as the corners were rolled up and creased from incessant worrying of them.   
'It's a difficult one to start you off,' Richard told him, looking apologetic and slightly relieved. 'To tell you the truth, it's the only reason you got a placement here. Nobody will take the damn kid.'   
Otabek raised an eyebrow, surprised by his lack of professionalism.   
'You'll know what I mean by tomorrow evening,' Richard patted his shoulder reassuringly, although it came off in a patronising manner. 'He's a sweet boy, just very complicated. Wanda next door will talk to you about him. She just worked with him for a month and had to take time off for frazzled nerves.'  
This did not bode well for Otabek, who got up and, in a daze, made his way down the hall to Wanda's office. He could see why she had needed the respite; her face was gaunt, hair thinning from pulling it out in stress and her eyes were like his Mother's basset hound's, drooping and miserable.   
'Have you read the file?' She asked as he sat down in the threadbare seat opposite her.   
'Richard just gave it to me,' he shook his head, opening it up and flicking past the first few irrelevant pages to the case profile and skimmed over it. Yuri, 17 years old, male, no longer living with his parents, although they paid for his care. After a brief description of his appearance, it led onto a detailed break down of his reason for needing a carer. It was hugely extensive, and the thought of scouring every detail fixed Otabek with a grim expression.   
'Don't bother,' Wanda took it from him and laid it shut on the desk. 'I can tell you everything in short. He's intensely bipolar or some similar mood disorder, although he refuses to see a doctor for it and won't be persuaded or forced to go. He doesn't take his medication and I've often had to slip it into his food or watch over him as he takes it. Pills have to be strictly regulated around him, of course. He really needs round-the-clock care, but his parents are paying for it and this is all they can afford. Hospitalisation isn't an option because he doesn't do well in those kind of environments. He never experienced any trauma and nobody can think of anything that may have triggered his behaviour, but it's there. We wouldn't usually put an introductory on the job, but we think what he needs is somebody closer in age to him so he can relate to them, as he has very little respect for authority and can be very defiant when he puts his mind to it.'   
'I think I can handle that,' Otabek didn't think they sounded too bad. A rebellious teenager who needed reminding to take medicine. How hard could it be?


	2. Day One

'Yuri?' Otabek called down the hallway as he let himself into the flat as instructed. All the lights were off but one, so he made his way towards that one. Through the narrow doorway was a boy who fit the description he'd been given. Long blond hair, skinny as a rake and considerably short in stature. He looked up, his eyes an astonishingly brilliant green, remarkably striking against his pallid skin. He didn't say anything, just looked back at the kettle he was boiling. It was late morning and he looked like he'd only just woken up.  
'Hi,' He tried (and failed) to get his attention back. 'I'm Otabek, from the ICP.'  
'I know who you are,' Yuri's voice was lower than was to be expected for such a small frame. 'And I'm going to tell you what I tell all of them. I don't need a carer, I don't want a carer, and don't you be having any illusions that you're going to change any of that.'  
'I don't,' Otabek kept his voice level. 'I'm only here for three months to get some work experience- I'm quitting the second I've done enough time.'  
'Oh,' Yuri seemed disappointed that his little tirade hadn't had the shock factor he'd been hoping for. 'Well then, Otabek Altin, can I offer you a drink?'  
'You're too young to drink.'  
'And you're too young to tell me not to,' Yuri opened his fridge and passed him a can of cheap beer, which he refused reluctantly, not usually one to turn down free alcohol.  
'How come you're living on your own?' He sat down on one of the stools at the kitchen counter.  
'Didn't get on with my parents. They pay the rent for me, so I guess that's nice of them.'  
'Must have a lot of money.'  
'I guess... I don't care, as long as I'm nowhere near them. They think I'm crazy, right?'  
'They're only trying to help,' Otabek knew he was talking about them hiring him a carer. He could understand why as a teenager, he might want to be as independent and normal as possible, but unfortunately he couldn't be independent and- judging only by the magnitude of his file- he was far from normal. That reminded him that he wasn't there for conversation over a tipple, he was there on a job. He quickly checked the list of things Wanda had texted him and felt reassured. 'Have you taken your pills?'  
'Yeah,' Yuri nodded, and Otabek had no reason to disbelieve him. He seemed well enough, and he didn't exactly know the difference anyway. He was sure he'd pick it up soon enough, but for now he'd just trust his shaky judgement. Next up on the list was feeding him, because according to Wanda he needed constant feeding as the constant pressure and stress on his mind made him lose weight at the drop of a hat, added to which he never bothered to eat when he was by himself and would often avoid food when given the chance, so he had to be closely regulated and his weight well maintained.  
'What do you want to eat?' He asked, browsing the cupboards and finding very little.  
'Not hungry,' Yuri shrugged, staring vacantly at the kettle he'd earlier boiled and forgotten about.  
'You have to eat. The list s-'  
'The list says lots of stuff. I say differently, and I say I'm not hungry.'  
'Fine,' Otabek wasn't up for arguing when they'd only met fifteen or so minutes ago. 'Then what are you doing today?'  
'You tell me.'  
Otabek blinked at him, unsure how to answer that. The list hadn't said he needed a fully broken down schedule or anything to that effect.  
'All my other carers made me do all this stupid stuff like occupational therapy. I guess you can't do any of that, so I can have a free day.'  
'Yeah. Do I need to be doing any of that?'  
'No way. Didn't do shit,' Yuri scowled, pulling a mug down from a shelf. As he reached up, his shirt rode up and Otabek could see hipbones protruding and a concave stomach. Jesus, the kid was going to snap... Maybe he should be firmer on the eating front. It didn't look like anyone else had been.  
'Don't stare at me, you creep,' Yuri confronted him, pulling his shirt down. 'Tea?'  
'Do you have coffee?'  
'Nah, can't stand that shit,' he shook his head, putting a teabag in the mug and pouring the water over it, stirring it absent-mindedly and staring out the window with disinterest. 'Can we go to the shops?'  
'Sure. Anything you need?'  
'Teabags.'  
'Right. Want me to drive you?'  
'Well, I'm not walking.'  
Otabek gave him an odd look, but shrugged and fished his keys from his pocket. They made their way down to his car, and Yuri slid into the passenger seat next to him. Otabek started driving and was just inching out onto the road when he noticed something.  
'Put your seatbelt on,' he instructed, but went ignored. 'Yuri.' He repeated his name several times, louder each time, and still he got no reply. In the end, he sighed irritably and pulled over.  
'What are you doing?' Yuri snapped to attention. He seemed to have been only semi-conscious before. 'We're going to the shops. This is the side of a road.'  
'I'm not moving until you've put your seatbelt on,' Otabek folded his arms across his chest resolutely.  
'Why?'  
'Because I wouldn't be a very good carer if you died.'  
'Then don't crash the car,' he stifled a yawn, bringing his knees to his chest and resting his chin on them.  
'And what if somebody crashes into us, hmm? What then?'  
'I die and a weight is lifted off everybody's shoulders.'  
'For god's sake, you can't actually believe that, can you?'  
Yuri shrugged nonchalantly, as if it was an indisputable fact and he was just relaying it. Grudgingly though, he realised they weren't getting anywhere, and so with a great display of reluctance he clipped in his seatbelt and dropped his head back onto his knees, closing his eyes and dozing the rest of the way. He looked a bit less cantankerous that way, and Otabek was left wondering still why everybody found him so difficult to deal with. He had been nothing more than a little tetchy so far, and he was certain for the most part that his comment about his death being a public service had been a joke. He'd taken his pills, hadn't eaten but simply wasn't hungry, and now he was out of the house, which according to Wanda didn't happen very often.  
Once they made it to the shops, he parked outside and shook Yuri to consciousness, taking a good few prods to rouse him from what was a deeper slumber than he had initially believed. The shops were busy, as they were bound to be late Saturday morning, and as they walked down the aisles Otabek could see Yuri becoming increasingly tense, his hands balling into tightly clenched fists at his side.  
'Hey, you okay?' He asked, keeping a close eye on him as he reached up to grab the teabags, again flashing a malnourished line of midriff.  
'Fine,' he snapped, a little too quickly. His eyes were what gave him away, darting from side to side and trying to keep track of every little movement of each person he could see. He had to make a decision in his best interests, and this was going to be a test of his abilities as a carer. Did he send him back to the car and pay himself, risking him taking a turn on his own, did he give up and take him home immediately, or did they pay quickly and get out? If he was leaving the house to do something, said thing ought to be done or leaving the house at all would have been a pointless journey. A hand gripping his arm made his decision for him.  
'You go back to the car and I'll pay for that, okay?' He pressed the car keys into his hand, and was met with a panicked look.  
'Let's just go,' Yuri said quietly. 'Now.'  
Otabek nodded and placed the teabags back on the shelf for him, then kept a hand on his back until they were outside to reassure him that he was right beside him. The second they made it out, Yuri leant against a wall and took a deep breath, tilting his head back and threading his hands through his hair, his eyes screwed tightly shut.  
'Can I do anything?' Otabek felt useless standing to the side, just staring helplessly.  
'I don't need your help. Just get me home,' Yuri panted, slowly heaving himself to a standing position. 'I shouldn't have left the house.'  
For all his I don't need your help, Yuri still clung to Otabek's arm as they walked back to the car, and in fact found it difficult to let go when they reached it.  
'I think we did quite well there,' Yuri appraised as Otabek started up the engine, this time taking the time to strap himself in.  
'What do you mean? You almost had a panic attack in the shop,' Otabek said this without looking at him, because he didn't need to to know that he was in the same foetal position he'd been in on the journey there, catnapping.  
'I haven't been to a shop in months. I didn't have a panic attack, anyway. I don't have panic attacks. That wasn't bad at all compared to other times it's happened. My other carers would grab me and tell me stupid things like, shh, it's alright! and that would make it worse and people would start staring and it would get to the point that I'd sit on the floor screaming until security had to do something about it.'  
'Oh.' Otabek was significantly confused; the strong impression he'd been given so far was that Yuri didn't believe he needed a carer or that he was mentally ill at all. This contradicted all of that.  
'If I hadn't had a carer with me, I would have been fine. They just make a big deal out of everything.'  
Nope, he was the same as he'd been all morning.  
When they returned to the flat, Yuri said he'd get some studying done (he didn't go to school, instead learning 'what interested him', as was put vaguely by Wanda in the list) and Otabek decided to call Wanda, who he'd been instructed to give frequent updates.  
'How are you getting along?' She sounded much more relaxed than when they'd last spoken, and he was sure he could hear water trickling in the background. Perhaps she was about to have a shower, or maybe she was at a pool. Regardless, it sounded like it was somewhere relaxing.  
'Fine, actually.'  
'And he took his pills?'  
'Yes.'  
'You saw him swallow them?'  
'Not explicitly, but-'  
'Then he hasn't. He's a slippery one and he can manipulate people very well; don't underestimate him. Make him take them after he's had lunch. Did he eat breakfast this morning?'  
'No, he said he wasn't hungry.'  
'Nonsense- he's always hungry, he just never eats.'  
'What, does he have an eating disorder or something?'  
'We don't know. He doesn't seem interested in losing weight per se, but neither does he ever seem interested in food. It's a tricky one. He'll eat if you make him, just make sure you do.'  
'Thanks. Oh, and we went to the supermarket-'  
'He left the house? To go somewhere public? That's a good sign!'  
'No, he panicked after a while and we had to leave.'  
'I don't think you understand. He never goes to the shops; he always gets his carer to do that for him. He's frightfully anxious around other people, you know. Can't bear to be in public. That's a real achievement, you must have got something right that nobody else did.'  
He thought about when they'd first met and he'd said that he was only there to get work experience in. Maybe that had made the difference, incorporating also their closeness in age- Yuri was just treating him more as a friend than an overbearing, patronising psychologist-type trying to 'fix' him and tell him he couldn't do anything for himself. Granted, it had to be frustrating to be treated like such a child when all that was wrong with him was that he was mentally ill. He knew he hadn't seen the worst of it and that it had only been a day, but he couldn't understand why all his past carers had been so swamped when all that was required of the role was to feed him, make sure he took his pills and let him hold onto you when he was anxious. A large thud made him jump, and he followed the noise, apologising to Wanda and disconnecting the call, to find Yuri sat on the floor in his bedroom, the blinds shut and a small lamp illuminating his work, which he had thrown across the room in frustration.  
'I don't understand it!' He growled, throwing more books with vigour.  
'What is it?'  
'Nothing you'll understand.'  
'Oh, really?' Otabek scoffed. He was studying psychology at university- he was sure he could wrap his head around something a mere 17 year old who didn't even go to school was learning in the confines of his own bedroom.  
'Quantum mechanics. The mathematical description of interaction and movement of subatomic particles using the concepts I've already grasped of quantisation of energy, wave-particle duality, the correspondence principle, and the uncertainty principle.'  
Otabek stared at him, his jaw dropping to the floor. No way could he understand any of what he'd just said- he had to have just learnt a definition out of a book or something. It just wasn't possible for somebody so young to be thinking about this kind of thing.  
'You see, in 1922, Otto Stern fired silver atoms through an inhomogenous magnetic field and while the magnets could be deflected variable distances, the atoms would always be deflected a constant distance either up or down. I just don't understand why.'  
'You must be some kind of child genius,' Otabek remarked as he bent down to pick up the books for him, setting them down on the floor in a neat stack.  
'I'm not a child. I live on my own and I'm far too smart to be called a child, especially by someone only 3 years older than me.'  
'Well, you're not an adult.'  
'Not legally, but I hardly see how that matters. Get out, anyway. I need to finish this,' He gestured at the books, his face turning hard.  
'Why don't we leave it for today?' Otabek thought it perhaps unhealthy to continue with his studies when he was so het up about them. 'I'll make you some lunch.'  
'Not hu-'  
'Don't care. You haven't eaten anything today.'  
'Neither have you,' Yuri pointed out, a dour look on his face.  
'That's why I'm making something.'  
'Fine. Wake me up when its ready,' he yawned and sat down on his bed, removing his shoes and lying down, curling up into a ball and shutting his eyes.  
Otabek was surprised to see that he fell asleep almost immediately, and mused over how he could be so tired when he'd woken up so late, and who could fall asleep in the middle of the day anyway? Added to which, he'd fallen asleep twice in the car. It was actually slightly perturbing. Was every day going to be like this, with him just sleeping most of it away? 

Otabek woke Yuri up an hour later, amazed to find that he had been still in a deep state of unconcsciousness, and bid him sit at the kitchen counter and eat his food. This first part he did, but when it came to eating he was slow to begin. He sat there and stared at the food in front of him for quite sometime, then hesitantly lifted a minute amount to his mouth.  
'Don't like it?' Otabek sat on the stool next to him.  
'No,' Yuri shook his head and dropped the fork.  
'Well it says on the list.... You're lying, aren't you?'  
'No,' he scowled, moving it around his plate sulkily. 'Don't like it.'  
'Yes you do. Why don't you want to eat it?'  
'Not hungry.'  
'Do I have to feed you?' Otabek teased, wanting to keep it all in good spirits before the mood could turn sour. If it did, they'd be in trouble.  
'No,' Yuri sighed dramatically and started eating very slowly, barely making a dent in the plate. Even though it was slow, it was still progress and Otabek didn't understand why everybody seemed to think caring for this boy was so difficult. He did what he was told after a little persuading, hadn't acted out of yet and he seemed stable enough, if a little grouchy.  
Yuri spent the rest of the day in bed, and Otabek took this time to tidy up the flat a bit, as it was hectic with books and miscellaneous objects covering every surface- not even the floor was safe. Yuri was still asleep when it was time for him to leave, and he looked so still and restful that he couldn't bear to wake him, so he just left. He'd check in on him later as stated in the list, but until then he had a lecture to get to and an essay to write.


	3. Day Five

Otabek and Yuri quickly settled into a routine, and there were no further serious misdemeanours, owing mainly to the fact that Yuri spent the majority of the day asleep or studying. His fifth day, though, was when he finally discovered why he was so infamous among the ICP.   
He went into the office every other day to talk to Richard and occasionally pop into Wanda's office for a coffee. She looked less haggard and defeated now that she was on a new case, renewed by her newfound success. He'd gained instant respect immediately when everybody had found out who he was caring for, and people were constantly praising him for being so relaxed after four whole days. This was all to change when he walked in on Friday morning and Yuri was wide awake, a dire expression on his face and a fear-inducing glimmer in his eye that somehow reminded Otabek of an attack dog. He was stood in the kitchen, bristling   
'Hi, Yuri,' he said this as steadily as he could, proceeding with caution.   
'Piss off,' Yuri growled, and Otabek's eyebrows shot up in surprise. 'I'm bored of you.'   
'I can't just le-'  
'I said piss off!'   
The change in him was formidable.   
'What's wrong?' Otabek stepped forwards and outstretched a hand in what he hoped was a comforting and noninvasive gesture, but this just made matters worse.   
'Don't fucking touch me!' Yuri snapped, his eyes blazing like hellfire. 'Don't touch me or I'll kill you!'   
Otabek may have been inexperienced, but he wasn't lacking training, and he had been taught how to deal with this type of situation. The first was to evaluate whether Yuri posed a threat, and he was so small that he probably didn't, for all his threats of fatal violence. The next was to determine whether he was likely to cause any harm to himself, and this again didn't seem likely as he was only directing his anger towards Otabek. He decided that the standard procedure of restraint would be a very bad idea, since he didn't want to be touched, and he was going to respect that and treat him like a human being rather than a vicious dog. All that was left was to leave him to cool off for a while. He wouldn't leave the flat, because he didn't want him alone in a mood like that, but he wouldn't go near him for half an hour or so, maybe more.   
'Okay, I'm leaving,' he put his hands up to show he wasn't going to touch him or do anything. 'If you need me, I'll be just through this door.'  
He sat on the couch in the living room, listening to the crashes and shouts of frustration, until eventually it subsided and the flat was silent for a while. Soon he could hear sobs emanating from behind the door and he knew that was his cue to re-enter and resume his role as carer. Yuri was huddled in the corner of the room, a broken glass at his feet and blood beading up on his hand where he'd smashed it. His minuscule frame was shaking as he whimpered pathetically, his lower lip trembling.   
'Don't come near me,' he sniffled, keeping his tear-shined eyes trained to the floor.   
Otabek silently cleared up the broken glass, letting him get the crying out of his system. He could understand why he didn't want him near him while he was so fragile- they'd only known each other for a few days, so they hadn't built up a relationship of trust yet. By the time the kitchen was restored to order again, Yuri had stopped crying and was now wiping his eyes and putting a plaster over the stinging cut on his hand.   
'I didn't mean it,' he croaked quietly, his throat sore from screaming.   
'I know you didn't,' Otabek forced a smile, despite being a little shocked after his behaviour. 'Go get your pills and I'll make you some breakfast.'  
Yuri slipped out, grateful for a chance to get away and splash some cold water on his face and regain a little composure. He returned looking somewhat refreshed, but his eyes still held a little ferocity and he didn't seem as timid as he had moments before. There was something about the set of his jaw that told Otabek the day was far from over. He set his pills on the table, popping each one that he needed out and lining them up in order of size. Otabek poured him a glass of water and placed it next to them, then stood across from him and watched over as he took each one obediently, pulling a face every time. When food was put in front of him however, he flatly refused to so much as touch a morsel of it. However hard and persuasively Otabek tried to coerce him into eating it, he would not.   
'Why are you being so difficult today?' He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was beginning to see why Wanda had looked so world-weary fresh off this case.   
'Because I want you to quit.'  
'Why would that be?'  
'I want you gone.'  
'You do realise that if I go, another carer will just take my place, right?'  
'Right. And I'm going to keep going until there's none left.'   
'Maybe you could go to a doctor, get therapy, d-'  
'I don't need therapy.' The harsh tone was back, making Otabek jump.   
'No, I m-'  
'Why does everyone think I'm crazy?' His voice was getting louder and he stood up, gripping the table. 'You all drive me crazy, making me take pills, telling me I need doctors, watching over me all the time!' He was full on yelling now, and there was something in his expression that suggested it was mere seconds before he started breaking things.   
'I don't think you're crazy, I think you're just sick and need help.'  
'That's no fucking different! You think I'm sick in the head!' He kicked his stool over, then kicked it again and again until his shoulders were heaving from exertion and the ferocity of his anger had brought tears to his eyes that began running down his cheeks. All the while, he was shouting, 'I'm not crazy! I'm not fucking crazy!' on repeat. He was going to end up hurting himself, so Otabek had no other choice but to grab him and cross his flailing arms across his body, holding him until he ceased kicking at the stool and began kicking backwards instead, furiously pummelling Otabek's shins. He winced and almost dropped him, but he was strong enough that he didn't let go.   
'Calm down,' he murmured into his ear. 'You're fine.'  
'I know!' Yuri screamed, trying to wrench himself free, kicking and wriggling until he managed to get a hand out and claw at Otabek's arms so that he let go. As soon as he was released, he ran straight to his room.   
Otabek watched him go, then went after him to make sure he wasn't planning to anything dangerous. He found him curled up in a ball on his bed, rocking back and forth, biting hard on his knuckles to stop himself from crying out. He sat on the bed next to him, not talking or making any move to touch him, just being present. After a while, Yuri unfurled and his breathing stopped being so hysterical. As he slowly returned to a less volatile state, he inched closer to Otabek, and that was when he hugged him, stroking his hair and allowing him to nestle into his side. He was crying still, but this time they were quiet tears, ones that slid down his cheeks without any definite meaning or cause.   
'They're right,' he whispered, and Otabek wasn't sure if he was addressing him or himself. 'I am crazy.'   
'No you're not.'  
'Yes I am. I need help.'  
'That's why I'm here.'  
'No, I need a doctor.'  
'Like a therapist?'  
'No, Otabek, I... Can you take me to A&E?'  
'Why?' He felt his mouth go dry.   
'I already took my pills before you came.'  
'Yeah, you- shit!' He blanched. Yuri had been sat in front of him no less than half an hour ago taking more. 'How many have you taken?'  
'Ten, fifteen, I don't know...'  
'Get up. Shit, we have to- Yuri, why would you do that? Why didn't you tell me you'd already taken them?'  
He shrugged so nonchalantly that Otabek wanted to slap him. This was a blatant suicide attempt, even if he'd told him about it. He'd still done it. He took him by the arm and dragged him down to his car, buckling him in, not leaving anything to chance, and starting the ignition. The hospital was nearby, thank god, and they made it there in ten or so minutes. He led him through to the A&E, where he registered and the second he mentioned an overdose, the psychiatry unit was called and a nurse sent down. He sat with them as they waited for a doctor, which didn't take long because Yuri was clearly a priority. Otabek stayed in the waiting room, and it felt like hours before he was called into the ward. Yuri was sitting in a bed, a miserable look on his face and a nurse talking to him very firmly.   
'Mr. Altin, was it?' He looked up. 'You're Yuri's carer, is that correct?'   
'Yes.'  
'Right. He seems fine. We've checked him over and decided that a stomach pump is not in order. We've seen him here for the same reason quite a few times, and it seems that his body is becoming accustomed to it. I'd advise that you withhold his medication for a week or so anyway to prevent a staggered overdose. You can go now, Yuri.'   
He stood up quickly, gluing himself to Otabek's side. Otabek didn't understand why until they had to walk through the waiting room, at which point he saw him tense up and his hands clench like the first time. He made a conscious effort to walk faster and get him back faster, and when he did he was going to have to review the situation, talk to Wanda, probably file a load of paperwork... He should have been more vigilant.   
He was surprised when he informed Richard and he wasn't angry with him at all. In fact, he was impressed.   
'He's done that a lot. You weren't to know he'd already taken them. You didn't make him take more, you thought he was just doing as he was told. The main thing is he told you, and he's not done that before,' he explained. 'I think you're doing really well with him.'   
Otabek felt rejuvenated after this glowing report and approached the topic with Yuri with more positivity than he'd had earlier. He sat him down on his bed and squatted down in front of him.   
'I have to ask a question, and I need you to be honest with me,' he began. 'When you took those pills earlier, were you trying to kill yourself?'  
'What else would I be doing?'  
'Why did you want to?'  
'Why does anyone?'  
'Yuri, I'm your carer. That means I care about you and I want you to be okay, so can you talk to me?'  
'I was angry.'  
'That's it?'  
'That's it.'  
'There's no other possible reason?'  
'Can you stop being so patronising? You have no idea what it's like to feel like you can't even breathe because all you want to do is hit things and smash everything and even hurt yourself because there's this anger that you just can't shake and you feel like if you died you could upset people enough and-'  
'Hey, hey, it's alright, I'm sorry,' Otabek stood up and took a few steps back. 'I just wanted to make sure you were telling the truth.'  
'Don't you trust me?'  
'Please don't start another argument. I don't want to fight with you, I just want to help you.'   
'Well, you're not helping, so just go home!'  
'You know I can't do that...'  
Yuri started crying again, huge, racking sobs that had him shaking again. He brought his knees to his chest and buried his face in them, wrapping his arms tight round his legs and making himself as small as possible.   
'I'm sorry,' his voice was muffled, but audible enough that Otabek could just make out what he was saying. 'I don't know why I get like this, I...'   
Otabek sighed heavily and went to sit next to him, and Yuri's eyes started to droop shut. He slowly unfolded himself and lay down, his head in Otabek's lap. This surprised him for a moment, but he was just glad that he was safe and had apparently calmed down, and he stroked his hair gently until he was asleep, making soft noises and wrinkling his nose every now and then. Again he noticed how different he looked when he was sleeping, although his brows never moved from their permanently furrowed position. Not having those green eyes boring a hole through him was quite a relief, actually. Eventually he realised he was going to have to move because he had to make food since he'd refused it earlier, and he prayed that he was in a better mood now, and he shifted his legs out from underneath Yuri's head as much like a sleuth as he could. He stirred a little, but his eyes remained closed. 

Yuri behaved marginally better for the remainder of the day, although he spent the majority of it holed up in his room either sleeping or having mild tantrums. He ate a bit of food, but not enough to sustain a mouse for an hour. Otabek worried frequently about how little he ate, unable to determine whether it was an eating disorder, lack of appetite due to anxiety and/or depression, or just the way he was. He'd lost weight in the past few days as well, and he was starting to look sickly for it. He decided the best thing to do would be to talk to Wanda. He'd swing by the ICP later and have a proper sitdown with her to discuss it. There were actually quite a few things causing Otabek concern, including that morning's explosion. It had come from nowhere and there was nothing he could have done to prevent it. It was anger without cause, without reason, just a need to be angry and direct that anger at someone or something. He'd never seen somebody burn with such ferity before, and it was so unnatural and disturbing that he couldn't keep it out of his mind for the entire afternoon. 

Wanda was in very high spirits when Otabek met with her at the office after having brought her a coffee.   
'Alright, what's going on down in the flat from hell?' She winced as she sipped the scalding coffee, setting it down on her desk on top of masses of paperwork. 'I heard about earlier, by the way. I'm afraid that kind of thing is going to happen frequently, so just be aware. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?'   
'No, actually. He's not eating and he's lost quite a bit of weight, what should I do?'  
'A significant amount?'  
'Not loads, but worrying nonetheless.'  
'Worst comes to worst, we could always hospitalise him, but I don't think his parents would agree. At least they'd tube him there.'  
'Why hasn't he been hospitalised before if he's so hard to take care of?'  
'He was, once. He came out of it worse than he went in- a hospital is not the kind of environment he thrives in. He's best at home.'   
'Right. So what can I do?'  
'There's not much you can do, really. He's very come and go with his eating. It all depends on his mood, and I'm guessing he's going through a rocky patch right now.'  
'Yeah, he is.'  
'Then the best thing to do is make sure he's comfortable enough and wait it out.'  
'Your advice to me is be passive about him starving himself be-'  
'He's not actively starving himself. I really don't think he is. Most doctors think it's cachexia. I know it's hard, but you really do have to sit back a bit and let it be. I'm really sorry, but I have a meeting now, feel free to drop me a line later about how things work out.'   
He was left none the wiser than before. How to go about getting Yuri to eat more? 

Otabek spent at least three hours researching ideas of what to do online, and eventually he drew up a plan. It encompassed the following notions; to feed him little and often so meals didn't appear so large, focussing on nutrient density rather than volume of the food, serving only small portions at a time, strong flavoured foods so they didn't seem so bland, all washed down with a supplementary drink. He planned to exact this regime the very next day, although he hadn't been able to get his hands on any supplements yet. He'd hopefully have time to buy some in the morning and if not, he would have to do without until he could. For nutritiously dense food he would ask his father, who was an incredible chef who and had grown up in Kazakhstan (Kazakh cuisine is, according to tradition, very calorifically dense because it stems from a nomadic culture). He was going to get Yuri to gain some weight at whatever cost, even if it took his entire job's stay. Even if he spent hours slaving over meals each day to see only half, if that, get eaten. Even if he had to strap the damn boy down and put a funnel in his throat, he was going to make him eat more and heal a little. Obviously feeding him up would solve nothing mentally, but at least he would be in less danger of dropping dead from malnutrition. Once he'd achieved this goal, he would begin work on the mental aspect of it.


	4. Day Six

Yuri couldn't understand what Otabek was trying to do. He'd changed everything, and he didn't like it. He needed to stick to his routine or he would fly off the rails- without it, he didn't know what to do with himself. Now he was trying to feed him what felt like every other hour, and it was all weird food he'd never tried before. He had a few 'safe foods' that he always stuck to, no matter what, and none of these dishes with names he couldn't even pronounce were on that list.   
'I'm not eating that,' he stared at the food on the plate. He was hesitant though, because it didn't actually make him feel so sick to look at it. It was barely anything, and Otabek wasn't even looking at him because he was cleaning up, so he didn't feel under any pressure.   
'Just taste it,' he said, still not turning around.   
'I don't...'  
'If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it.'  
Yuri prodded at it with his fork.   
'What is it?'  
'Pelmeni. They're Kazakh. You're Russian, aren't you?'  
'My grandparents are.'   
'The food's quite similar. Try it.'  
He hesitantly put one in his mouth and bit down. Surprisingly, it wasn't too bad. He nibbled around the corner of another, each one so small that it took little to no effort to swallow them, and he could mindlessly put them in his mouth. Before he knew it, he'd eaten all of them and was left feeling tricked. He didn't quite know why, but he didn't want Otabek to see that he'd finished it- it made him feel embarrassed, like the whole time he'd just been faking a lack of appetite.   
'There's more if you want it,' Otabek took his empty plate, and Yuri couldn't deny seeing him look so happy wasn't something he'd mind seeing again. Not enough that he would eat more, though. He felt a little sick from how much he had already eaten.   
'No,' he said bluntly. His spirits had lifted a little, though, maybe due to the lack of stress over a mealtime for the first time in a long while. 'Can we do something interesting today?' If his routine was so interchangeable, he may as well go all out and be entertained rather than sit around getting stressed out over how frequently he was being made to eat.   
'Like what?' Otabek looked shocked that he was making an effort.   
'A chemistry experiment. I want to do a chemistry experiment.'  
'How are you going to do that?'  
'Aha. I'm full of surprises.'  
'Like what?'   
Yuri didn't reply, already gone from the room. Otabek followed him and found him in his bedroom, rifling through his wardrobe and pulling out a large black box with a padlock on it. He keyed in the combination, snapping it open and revealing tubes upon tubes organised meticulously in rows, labelled and organised in order of the periodic table. He selected a good few of them, handling them with care before passing them to Otabek to hold, instructing him to be very careful because they were quite volatile. He nodded and gently placed them in the test tube rack he was then passed. Yuri proceeded to assemble a complex system of tubes and beakers and taps and countless other things that Otabek, for all his knowledge of A Level chemistry, couldn't name. He watched him concoct some medley cocktail of chemicals, and it effervesced violently as he pouted it into a beaker, letting the gas evaporate into a gas syringe.   
Otabek sat on the floor watching him, fascinated by how absorbed he was, all the stress gone from his face and the permanent anxiety and anger instead channeled towards something positive. It was adorable the way his tongue poked out the side of his pursed lips and his brows furrowed behind his safety glasses as he dropped a single millilitre of a greyish substance, producing an acrid smelling precipitate that he filtered out into a beaker.   
'I just made a highly toxic poison,' he grinned maniacally, thrusting the contents of said beaker towards Otabek, the smell making him gag. He reached out to poke it, but Yuri yanked it away before he got the chance. 'Don't touch it! It'll burn you, and we both know I'm not going anywhere near A&E.'  
'You'd come with me?'  
He pulled a funny face and prodded the foul-smelling stuff around with a metal rod, mumbling something or other but obfuscating his answer by offhandedly setting the poison on fire.   
'There. Now nobody will know I made it. Except for you, and you don't know the name, so you can't do anything about it.'  
'What?'  
'Oh, it's highly illegal.'  
'What?!?'  
'I'm not really technically supposed to- okay, maybe definitely not allowed to- own most of these chemicals. And that poison I just made is kind of really illegal.'  
'Yuri Plisetsky, do you mean to tell me that I, your carer, I hesitate to add, just witnessed you breaking the law?'   
'Potentially. But you weren't to know.'  
'How did you even get that stuff? How do you even know how to do that?'  
Yuri just shrugged obscurely and started wiping down the equipment until it was all spotless. He tidied it all back into the box and ran his hand along the test tubes fondly before closing it and replacing the padlock.   
'How come you don't go to school anymore?' Otabek asked as soon as he was finished.   
'Have you seen me in a public place?' Yuri laughed bitterly, standing up and closing his wardrobe.   
'You could do online school or get a tutor,' Otabek rose to his feet, doing his best not to bear down on him. 'You're easily clever enough to go to university, as well, but you can't get in without A Levels. It'd be a national scandal if you didn't go to Oxbridge. The rate you're learning now, you're in line for a nobel prize or something.'   
'Don't,' Yuri said softly, the pain evident in his eyes. 'Please.'  
Otabek saw how hurt he was by this and how morose his expression became, and he instantly understood. Of course he wanted that- he knew he was a genius, he just couldn't face school or anything like it. And who could blame the poor boy? He was racked and all but housebound with crippling mental illness; that would help matters very little. He knew he was missing his chance, but there was nothing he could do about it.   
'Don't blame yourself,' Otabek pleaded. 'It's not your fault, none of this is. You don't have to go to university. I mean, l-'  
'I don't want to talk about it.'  
'Then let's not talk about it,' he sighed. 'Is there anything else you want to do today?'  
'I'm a shut-in; ideas of fun are limited. I have board games.'   
'Would you be surprised if I told you I love them?'  
'Really?' His face lit up, or by his standards it did. His incessant pout was gone, anyway.   
'What do you have?'  
'Monopoly is my favourite.'   
'I hope you're ready to be beaten,' Otabek knew this was his chance to prove he was also of relative intelligence, or so he liked to think. 'I am the best at Monopoly.' 

 

'How are you doing this?' Otabek cried as he mortgaged the last of his properties after paying a £2000 rent to Yuri because he'd been smart and put a hotel on Mayfair. 'Aren't you Russian? Why are you so capitalist?'  
Yuri just smirked and counted the money before placing it in his ever-growing bank. Soon he was going to exhaust the funds of both Otabek and the actual bank. He'd been smart from the very beginning, using a bizarre strategy of buying every other property he landed on. This meant he soon owned a lot of properties without breaking the bank, because obviously the first ones he landed on were very cheap. Otabek had always been a scrimper rather than a big spender, but then he'd never been wealthy growing up and Yuri had quite a lot of pocket money if he could afford his own flat at seventeen.   
'You want me to be communist?' Yuri handed over his property cards. 'There you go.'   
'I don't think that's how communism works,' Otabek passed them back, rolling his eyes.   
'How would you know? Are you a Commie?'  
'I'm Kazakh. The communist party is banned there after your people lost control of us.'  
Yuri snorted and accepted his cards back, tucking them safely beside his money and rolling the dice. Luck seemed permanently in his favour because he managed to land on free parking, earning him an extra £300. Otabek rolled and landed on Community Chest, glancing with concern at his bank that contained just £80.   
'Pay tax of- oh for gods sake!' He groaned in disbelief.   
'No, read it out!' Yuri cackled, snatching the card away. 'Pay tax of £150! You're broke, I win!'   
'It's just a game of luck anyway,' Otabek grumbled, scowling.   
'Oh, is it? If you put in place strategies, you can easily win.'  
'What if you don't land on any good properties?'  
'Work with what you're given.'  
'I know a lot about that.'  
'You can't be mean to me, I'll get you fired for neglect.'  
'Oh yeah? And then who would come? You'd probably get Anthony Blake- Anthony the Git, we call him. He's the worst, you know. He couldn't play Monopoly if he tried and if he found out you were making illegal poisons he'd tell Richard.'  
'I wouldn't really get you fired,' Yuri looked him dead in the eye, daring him to look away. 'I haven't actually had a carer that I liked before.'  
'You like me, do you?' Otabek teased, a sly grin forming on his face.   
'Shut up,' Yuri frowned and toed him with his foot. He picked up all the cards and put them back in order, then into the box. 'I just meant that all the others were like a real carer.'  
'Glad to know you trust that I'm not.'  
'No, as in you're a friend more than anything. I don't know, alright?'   
Otabek smiled and ruffled his long hair, earning him an irritated harrumph and a stony glare. He was glad to see he'd cheered up a bit, and that he felt he could trust him a little more now. He knew that to others, Yuri was a nightmare, but to him he was just a boy in need of somebody to trust with his mind. He hoped that some day soon he'd learn to trust him completely, and then maybe they could begin a long process of healing. This was optimistic though, because they had just a little under three months together before Otabek's time was up. He didn't have an explicit plan for where he was going after that, but he had a rough idea of where he wanted to get to one day and that was where he would begin. He wanted to get his psychology degree, then later on get a PhD. Doctor Otabek Altin. It did have a ring to it, not to mention how proud his parents would be. They'd always seen him, the youngest of their three children, as the little fledgling who had yet to find wings and fly the nest. His mum still tried to do his laundry for him, much to his utter embarrassment. He adored her with all his heart though, because for all her fussing and flapping she'd been- still was- a wonderful mother. He wondered what Yuri's parents were like, and why exactly he didn't get on with them. It was normal for boys his age to find them annoying, but to the extent that he'd move out? He didn't seem to have any contact with them, and it was bizarre that although they'd been the ones to hire Otabek, he'd never met them and didn't even know their first names. Yuri's actual life was quite the enigma. When had he dropped out of school? Did he have any siblings? He didn't want to ask, because to his family prying had always been revered as a sin. He was sure they'd talk about it once he was ready to, and it wasn't necessarily hugely important because Wanda had said he wasn't suffering from any specific trauma, so an underlying family problem probably wasn't likely. Also, they'd paid for him to live in a flat and were desperate enough to help him that they paid an extortionate amount on a carer for him, so there wasn't any love lost on their side. None of this knowledge stemmed his curiosity though, so after Yuri had mooched off to study, he called Wanda to ask her.   
'Oh, they adore him,' she told him. 'They're absolute saints for treating them half as well as they do because he's awful to them. You know as well as I do he's not very easy to love.'   
'In what way is he awful to them?'   
'It's hard to explain. His mum visits frequently, so when she does you'll see. Anyway, he's breaking their hearts because he's their only child and they think they've failed him.'   
'Oh, that's horrible.'  
'I know,' she sighed, and he knew she was just as miserable over it as him. 'He doesn't even seem guilty about it. Says they treat him like an invalid, which I suppose they do because they're not hugely qualified for this, but they try their best. That said, they've been through lots of training to equip them to do their best, but there's only so much you can do without a history in psychology.'  
'And what's he like?'  
'Oh, Jergan is your typical macho father. All football and father son bonding over a beer and a match. I think he was a bit disappointed at first that Yuri was always more interested in science textbooks, but he loves him all the same and tried very hard to understand what he was talking about.'  
'He is really smart, isn't he?'  
'I've got friends with majors in sciences that can't grasp the concepts he's known since he was 15.'  
'But he left school?'  
'After GCSEs. All A*s except for Geography, because he had a panic attack mid exam and couldn't complete it, so he failed.'  
'Was he annoyed?'  
'Not especially. He officially left to be home schooled, but he thinks he's just completely left so he has no future in education. I don't know what he thinks he can achieve without A Levels, even if he is a genius.'   
'We need to get him back into school before it's too late.'  
'We? Oh darling, he's your problem now. I can only provide insight into his life.'   
'I know, I'm sorry to keep bothering you like this.'  
'He's difficult, I can't blame you. Call me whenever you need, okay?'  
'Yeah. He's a good kid. Thanks, Wanda.'  
'Bye!'  
He hung up and turned around to see Yuri standing behind him, looking less than impressed with what he'd heard. He disappeared quickly, and Otabek was left wishing he'd been able to ask him why he looked so upset. He oughtn't to leave it like that, so he wandered round the flat until he found him in the kitchen, sat on the counter with a mug of tea.   
'You look upset,' he stood across from him.   
'I'm annoyed, actually.'  
'Want to tell me why?'  
'Not especially.'  
'Okay,' Otabek shrugged nonchalantly, knowing a bit of reverse psychology would come in handy here.   
'I'm not a kid,' he muttered, running his finger round the rim of the mug distractedly. 'Just because you all seem convinced that I need looking after like I am it doesn't mean I'm a child.'   
Otabek's eyebrows raised in surprise- he had forgotten Yuri was actually 17. Not an adult, but not somebody he could call a child as he was only 20 himself. The main reason he saw him as so young wasn't his need for constant care, it was his minute size and his dependent personality, because he did have one however much he tried to conceal and deny the fact. When he was crying, Otabek would comfort him as if he were a young child, and that had created some sort of image. He'd given himself the illusion that Yuri was younger simply because it suited him to treat him like a child, and that was wrong of him. It was probably causing all sorts of problems between them that he hadn't known he was the root cause of because he didn't know any different.   
'I'm sorry,' an apology seemed in order, and then a conscious effort to regard him more as a young adult, however difficult it could be at times. 'Then, are you ready to be an adult?'  
'What?' Yuri gave him a disturbed look.   
'I'm going to prepare you for adulthood.'  
'You do realise you sound like a massive paedophile right now, right?'  
'Taxes, Yuri. Taxes, insurance, loans, and don't get me started on pension...'  
'Okay, okay, I'm a child!' He threw his hands up in surrender. Otabek grinned conspiratorially and grabbed him, pulling him into his arms and holding him like a newborn, making him squeal and writhe around like a terrified lamb.   
'You're not even that,' Otabek smirked down at him, holding him tightly until he stopped wriggling. 'You're so small I can carry you like a baby!'  
'Not my fault you're so tall,' Yuri grimaced, his cheeks pink and warm. 'Put me down, pervert.'  
Otabek dropped him, letting him scramble to his feet before he squeezed his cheeks like his grandma would do to him when he was a child, a tradition which his mother had held onto, carrying it forth even now that he was an adult. Yuri glared at him, but then benumbed him by resting his forehead against his chest and placing his hands on his stomach. He couldn't deny he felt a little peculiar about it.   
'I'm tired,' he mumbled, and Otabek straightened him up, making him stand by himself and gesturing for him to go to bed.   
'Go so I can tidy up a bit.'  
'I, umm...'  
'Yeah?' Otabek was distracted already, beginning to potter around picking things up from the counters.   
'Never mind.'  
'I'll probably be gone when you wake up, so I'll see you tomorrow.'  
'Yeah,' Yuri glanced back at him one last time, seeing how engrossed in his task he was, and slipped away. He'd tell him some other time.


	5. Day Nine

They settled into their new routine pretty quickly, and to Otabek's credit, Yuri was steadily gaining some weight and he was eating most meals with minimal fuss. The supplementary drinks had been an instant success because Yuri said that he found liquids were 'less stodgy and nauseating'. His mood was improving somewhat, which was an added bonus, although he was very listless most of the time and Otabek couldn't figure out why. He didn't get to ask because on the morning of their ninth day together, Yuri didn't get up at all. He was still in bed when Otabek arrived and wouldn't be persuaded to come and eat breakfast, so he had a mug of tea in bed and promptly went back to sleep.   
At about 10am, the door went, and Otabek opened it to find a cheery looking woman laden with edible goods outside. She came bustling in, a whirlwind of motion and cheer. She opened all the curtains and went directly to Yuri's room without introducing herself or saying so much as a word to Otabek.   
'Up you get!' She threw his blinds open, and Otabek found himself wincing watching it. Did she want to get her head taken off?   
'Get lost,' Yuri growled before turning over and pulling the duvet over his head like a toddler having a tantrum.   
'I need to talk to you,' she chirped, far too breezy.   
'I need you to leave me alone.'  
She began wrestling with him for the duvet, and all the while Otabek was left stood in the doorway, her name and motive for arrival unbeknownst to him. For all he knew, she could be an intruder.   
'You really shouldn't let him sleep in this late,' she turned around and scolded him, and his eyebrows shot up. This woman was unbelievable. Who the hell did she think she was, barging in and trying to tell him how to do his job?   
She eventually managed to prise Yuri from his bed, hauling him by means of brute force to his living room and sitting him down on the sofa. He sat there scowling, wringing his hands together as if he was imagining it to be her neck. Otabek sat next to him to make sure she remembered he was there and also to make sure there was no sudden lashing out.   
'You've lost weight,' she remarked, and he huddled himself into a ball like a little hedgehog to dispel any further comments about his physical wellbeing.   
'Please continue to tell me how I'm wasting away and killing myself,' he snapped. 'Maybe it's just an extended attempt.'  
She wasn't phased by this, instead retrieving one of the bags she'd brought and rifling through it until she found a heavy looking book which she placed on the coffee table. He peeked out of his defensive position to take a look at it, then returned to his little shell.   
'It took me three months to find that,' she looked put out with his lack of interest. 'If you don't want it, I can-'  
'No.'   
'I talked to Wanda. She says you've been behaving yourself.'  
'Stop checking up on me,' he snarled, and even Otabek was shocked at his ruthless tone. 'I don't want you anywhere near me.'  
'You don't mean th-'  
'I mean it. We both know I do.'   
'I'm your-'  
'Don't say another word, Janice.'  
She looked to be floundering, and for a moment she was lost for words.   
'You go into the kitchen so I can talk to your carer.'  
He slouched off, glad to be able to leave at last. Otabek was almost equally irritated by this woman who referred to him just as a carer and couldn't be bothered to introduce herself.   
'I'm so sorry about that,' she fixed him with an apologetic smile. 'He can't stand it when I talk to his carers. He thinks I discuss everything with them behind his back. Otabek Altin, isn't it?' She leaned forwards and shook his hand firmly.   
'How do you know him, sorry?'  
'Oh, I'm his mother!'   
If he'd been mildly appalled by Yuri's behaviour before, learning that he could be so harsh to his own mother filled him with horror.   
'We used to be so close,' she smiled nostalgically, her eyes wistful and sad. 'I don't know what happened, but shortly before he sat his GCSEs he just changed completely. Hasn't been the same since. He's really not as hateful as he comes across, I swear.'  
'I know,' Otabek nodded. 'He's been a little trying at times, but at heart he's very sweet.'  
'No I'm not!' Yuri called from the kitchen.   
'Stop listening in, you little-' Otabek stopped himself when he remembered that he was sitting next to the mother of the little shit in question.   
'Oh, don't stop on my account,' she beamed. 'It's nice for me to see him with a friend.'  
'We're not friends!' Yuri barked from outside the room once more.   
'He's looking happier than I've seen him in a long time. How are the nightmares?'  
'Nightmares?' He arched an eyebrow. How would he know? He was only there during the day.   
'Oh, he gets the most awful nightmares, poor soul, they keep him up at-'  
She didn't get to finish her sentence before Yuri barged in and threw a book at her to shut her up.   
'Yuri!' Otabek cried out, apologising profusely for his actions despite not having committed them himself. 'You can't expect me to treat you like an adult if you're going to act like a child.'  
He expected anger in return for being chided so severely, but instead he got an impish grin.   
'Go away and stop eavesdropping,' Otabek made a shooing gesture with his hand and motioned for him to go to his room, and Yuri scampered off, cackling mischievously. 'Woe betide that child if he ever tries to do that to me.'   
'Thank you,' Janice said, quite unexpectedly.   
'For what?'  
'For doing this. To be honest, we thought we'd have to give up after Wanda quit. She was supposed to be the best the ICP has to offer, but you've done a better job than her.'   
'It's only been a week.'  
'Yes, but I can see that you're going to help him a lot.'  
He didn't mention that he was only there for three months, nor did he reminisce about the first conversation they'd had where he'd bluntly told him that he was only there for the work experience. That wasn't strictly true then and it certainly wasn't now- the fact was, he'd become very affectionate towards the feral little shit in dire need of a haircut that he was responsible for. It was crazy to think that they actually didn't have that long together, and because of that he couldn't give as much input as he might have liked to. They talked a while longer, mainly about what Yuri was like when he was younger, although he returned at some point and demanded Janice 'shut up' about him or he'd 'kick her out'. Otabek wasn't naive enough to think he didn't mean this literally. She hugged her son goodbye, much to his protestation and dismay. When she was gone, Otabek at once dragged him by the ear to his room so he could sit him down in a relaxed environment and talk to him about something that had been bugging him during his discourse with Janice.   
'What's this about nightmares, Yuri?' He asked, and was ignored. 'I'm talking to you.'   
He prodded him, then rolled his eyes and shook his shoulders. When he still didn't get a reply, he pinned him down on the bed, leaning over him and trying to be as intimidating as possible.   
'If you don't tell me, I'll have to kill you,' he declared smugly, his voice low and sultry.   
'It's nothing,' Yuri muttered. 'She was being a bitch, as usual.'   
'She's your mother!'  
'So? Just because she decided not to have an abortion, I'm expected to like her?'  
Otabek met his furious gaze unflinchingly, and they unwittingly engaged in a staring contest. Neither looked away for a good while, and Otabek could feel it getting a little too intense. He let go, standing up and folding his arms across his chest, distancing himself appropriately.   
'Don't change the subject,' he said firmly. 'Tell me about these nightmares.'  
'Oh for-'  
'Now.'   
Yuri looked at him long and hard, trying to decipher whether he really meant it or not, but obviously he decided that he did, because he spoke a few moments later.   
'I get nightmares sometimes. They're not that bad, I swear.'  
'Your m-'  
'Don't call her that.'  
'Fine. Janice said they keep you up at night. Is that true?'  
'No, I... Maybe. Whatever. It's stupid anyway.'   
'Can I stay?'  
'What?'   
'Just for tonight. So I can see how bad they are.'  
'No. No way.'   
'It's nondebatable, I'm afraid,' he shrugged as if there was nothing he could do. 'We're having a sleepover.'  
'And here I thought you were trying to treat me like an adult...'

 

Yuri was grouchy all day, and Otabek was beginning to regret the whole sleepover idea, but he had made the decision and he was going to stick to it. He needed to see how bad the nightmares were, so he survived the day and eventually it was late hours of the evening. He made Yuri hot chocolate to try and help him sleep a little easier, and it wasn't turned down so he was in high spirits. Once he'd finished it, Otabek carted him to bed and swiftly realised he had no idea where he was supposed to sleep. He couldn't sleep on the couch because that was too far away and he might not know if Yuri was having a nightmare, and he doubted he'd come tell him if he asked him to. In the end, he grabbed cushions from the sofa and a blanket from a cupboard and lay down on the floor in his room.   
'Seriously?' Yuri peered down at him over the side of his bed. 'Just sleep on the couch.'  
'No. I need to be here.'  
'You're so weird...'  
'Go to sleep.'  
'I can't with you being such a creep like that.'  
Otabek reached up and pushed his face away until it had disappeared over the bed. He was sure he heard Yuri mutter 'bitch', but he chose to believe it was a figment of his imagination. He closed his eyes and rolled onto his side, facing the door that was wide open so he could see most of the flat. Not surprisingly, it took him quite a while to fall asleep on the uncomfortable floor. When he awoke just an hour later it was to the sound of Yuri gasping for breath, and he instantly sat up to see him hunched over, gripping at the bedsheets so hard that his knuckles had turned white.   
'I'm fine,' he breathed. 'Really.'  
'You're not fine,' he got up and sat on the bed, stroking his hair. 'Do you remember what it was about?'  
'No! Just go back to sleep,' Yuri turned over and did his party trick of cocooning himself within the covers. Otabek sighed at his antics and returned to his bed on the floor, but no sooner than he had closed his eyes did he feel a small body slithering under his blanket, cosying up to him. Yuri's hands were cold in his, and he did his best to warm them up.   
'Goodnight, Yuri,' he whispered, letting him snuggle closer. He almost had to remind himself that he was only seventeen.   
'Goodnight, Ota.'  
Seventeen, seventeen, seventeen.


	6. Day Ten

Yuri had never, not once in his seventeen years of living, woken up in somebody's arms who wasn't from his immediate family. It was, to him at least, a humiliating experience. It didn't help matters in the slightest that he was in a terrible mood, so bad that his head was aching. He slipped out of Otabek's embrace, one that he'd adopted after the nightmares came back, and made his way to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. As he stood and watched the kettle boil, it reminded him of that first day they'd had together. A chill ran down his spine when he remembered Otabek's words, ones that at first he'd been grateful for and yet now that he recalled them he was filled with an odd sense of apprehension. I'm quitting the second I've done enough time. Time- he made it sound like a prison sentence. Maybe it was to him; Yuri knew he was unlikeable, disagreeable and just about every synonym for those two words in the English language, and probably most other languages too. He could understand that for a 20 year old university student, somebody who should be going out every night and getting wasted, to have to be caring for a mere child, as he so often put it, was not how he'd ideally be spending his time. He was surprised to find, though, that he didn't want him to leave. Perhaps it was just because he was sick of having a new carer every day and Otabek was the first one he kind of got on with, or maybe it was that he genuinely liked him. He hadn't liked anybody in a long time, in any form of the word. Everybody else in his life made him want to put a hole in his head.   
'Morning, sunshine,' Otabek's voice startled him and he whipped around to see him leaning against the doorframe, his hair messy and his eyes bleary. His stone heart thawed some at the sight. 'What's cookin'?'  
'You,' he grumbled, not ready for breakfast to begin. It was possibly his worst meal of the day because he couldn't stand food in the morning- it was just so sickening, all of it.   
'Are you flirting with me?' Otabek winked, and he died a little inside.   
'Please go back to your country.'  
'Ouch,' Otabek pouted, opening the cupboard and pulling out some cereal. Yuri groaned and sat down on a stool, pulling a revolted face and wrinkling his button nose when the offending food was placed in front of him. He drank his Fortisip slowly, hoping he could get away with just that, but Otabek was watching him like a hawk and so he reluctantly ate it.   
'Is it alright if I go home for half an hour?' Otabek checked his watch to make sure he hadn't officially started work yet. 'I need clothes.'  
'Can I come with you?' Yuri had never seen where he lived. It was only fair that he got to, given Otabek was in his house all the time.   
'Huh? Oh, I don't think-'  
'Please?'  
'I didn't bring my car, so...'  
'You're close enough that you can walk?'  
'Not exactly.'  
'Then what?'  
'I brought my bike.'  
'That's kind of lame.'  
'Motorbike.'  
Yuri's eyes widened, and he stood up.   
'I'm coming.'  
'It's not sa-'  
'Shh.'  
Otabek sighed in frustration and told him to go get dressed, which he did in record time considering usually he didn't get dressed until early afternoon and even then he tended to fall asleep in what he was wearing. He made him put on a scarf and a coat so he was tightly wrapped up and cosy, as it could get cold with the forceful gale that would be battering him, and it wasn't like he had any body fat to protect him. He was so fragile it was likely he'd be blown off the back anyway. He put his helmet on Yuri, figuring he had more brains to protect, and helped him to sit behind him on the bike.   
'Hold onto me,' he told him as he kickstarted and revved the engine. 'Tightly.'  
He slowly edged out onto the road, and then he kind of forgot Yuri was there and drove like he usually would, which was slightly too fast. He felt Yuri's arms inching tighter around his waist and his head resting against his shoulder. Seventeen, he reminded himself.   
'You okay?' He tried to ask, but the biting wind tore his voice from his lips.   
Each time they went round a corner or Otabek stepped on the gas a little, Yuri would clench his fists and screw his eyes tightly shut, but after a while he got used to it and began to enjoy the feeling of danger it elicited in him. He wasn't used to this kind of risk, this fear mingled with adrenaline, and compared to his dull life in a single flat with nobody to talk to but Otabek, it was incredible. He'd not felt so alive in years. When Otabek drew up by some university housing however, his outlook changed. He got off the motorbike and his legs were shaking, not just from an overflow of adrenaline.   
'You can stay here if you want,' Otabek put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. 'It's quite busy in there.'   
'No,' Yuri looked up and down the street. Being out there, and alone too, would be far worse. 'I'll come with you.'  
They walked into the building and up a flight of stairs, where there was a couple making out sloppily and Yuri grimaced as he stepped over them. As they walked down a corridor, people milling about waved to Otabek, called out to him and it generally just surprised Yuri that he was so popular. He noticed he was getting a lot of stares, and a few people asked if he was a kid brother, to which he spat at a few people and almost started a few fights and Otabek had to drag him away by his collar.   
'Oi, Bek, didn't they say no prossers in the building?' Some wanker called out, and Yuri threw himself at him, his fist inches away from his face before he was yanked backwards by a disciplinary hand.   
'Yuri, behave!' Otabek growled, holding him by his shirt and pulling him into a room. 'You can't just attack my friends like that!'  
Yuri wrenched himself away, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck. The room was small with two beds, one of which was inhabited by a sleeping man in just boxers and an old band t-shirt. Otabek opened a wardrobe and took his shirt off with no inhibition (more like exhibition) and hung it up in there, and Yuri pretended he hadn't been staring by flushing pink and suddenly finding the floor absolutely scintillating. Otabek went into the bathroom to shower or whatever, and Yuri was left alone in a room with a stranger, his heart racing in case he might wake up. His worst fears were realised when he did. He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes and doing a double take when he saw the boy stood awkwardly in his room.   
'Is Bek here?' He yawned, and Yuri thought he was going to cry. He didn't want to be asked questions!   
'He's in the bathroom.'   
'Oh, did he spend the night at yours?'  
Yuri sighed in relief and nodded. This person must know who he was, because Otabek had probably told him he was spending the night at his carer job.   
'Didn't know Bek was gay,' the man glanced at the bathroom door. 'And into younger men.'  
'First of all, I'm seventeen. Hardly a younger man.'   
The man snorted in disagreement.   
'Also, he's not gay. At least, if he is I don't know.'  
'But you, uhh...' he mimed putting his finger through a hole he made with his thumb and index finger.   
'Otabek, can we go home?' Yuri called as he inched towards the door, his face turning even redder. 'I don't think I like your roommate.'  
The man cackled and stood up, running a hand through his spiky hair.   
'Dude, chill. I'm gay, right? Spike, by the way,' he stuck his hand out and Yuri stared at it in horror. 'You're supposed to shake it.'  
He looked at it a little longer before Spike grabbed his hand, making him jump, and shook it hard.   
'There. We're friends now. He's gonna be ages, by the way. Takes 40 minutes to do his hair. You want a drink?'  
'I'm good,' Yuri was thirsty, but he didn't think water was being offered. Spike patted the bed next to him and Yuri wondered if he was drunk, because he certainly seemed it. He perched next to him, ready to run at any moment, and let his hair fall across his face to avoid having to look him in the eye.   
'What are you doing at school?' Spike started the conversation badly.   
'I, uhh, I dropped out.'   
'You did? Huh. I guess it's not for everyone. I'm studying quantum mechanics.'   
'Really?' Yuri's face lit up and he turned round to face him. 'That's what I want to- I mean, that's really cool.'   
'Yeah? Do you know about the harmonic oscillator?'  
'What, the Schrödinger equation thing?'  
'Dirac's ladder method. It's really hard to directly solve Schrödinger.'  
'I can.'  
'Yeah, and I can speak fluent Russian.'  
'I can do that too.'  
Spike looked taken aback, then stood up and pulled a textbook from his bag, opening it up and passing it to Yuri, who scrutinised the question Spike pointed at.   
'Okay,' he nodded. 'Not too difficult. Get me a pencil, some paper, and a calculator.' 

Otabek walked out from the bathroom with a towel slung low round his hips and a pot of hair gel in his hand. He had expected Yuri to be hunkered in the corner, cowering away from his exuberant roommate, but instead he was sat on his bed with a notebook, scribbling away furiously, his brows knitted together and his tongue poking out the side of his mouth like it did when he was concentrating.   
'The basic idea is to factor the Hamiltonian,' he was saying, and Spike was hanging on his every word, practically drooling over him. 'With numbers, the solution would be obvious, but p and x are operators, so px is not the same as xp. Instead, you consider this...' he scrawled something on the page, still not having noticed Otabek's return. It stood to reason that they lad a lot in common- Spike was studying quantum mechanics and finding it impossible, but obviously he was learning from Yuri. This kid was ridiculous, really. It was a crime that he had been permitted to drop out.   
'First calculate a+ and a-,' Yuri pointed to a part of the equation. 'In general, the commutator of any two operators is this.'   
'Hey, Bek,' Spike said without looking up. 'I think I've been outsmarted by your new boyfriend.'   
'What?' Otabek scratched his head, then realised what the implications of the situation were. 'No! Remember I told you about my job?'  
'As a carer?'  
'Yeah. This is Yuri.'  
'Oh!' Spike's eyes widened. 'So you didn't..?'  
'No.'  
'You could've corrected me, Yuri,' Spike smirked and elbowed him. 'I might've made my own claim.'   
Otabek felt strangely sick thinking about that. Not because he had any reservations about Spike being gay, because he of all people never would, but because he felt protective of Yuri. Or was it possessive? Could he be jealous? Seventeen. No, it was jealousy because they had developed quite a close friendship and that was all. He felt like he ought to be claiming his territory or something, but this in turn made it worse because he was acting like a typical self-important man and he hated that kind of thing with a burning passion. Nevertheless, he gently prised the notebook from Yuri's hands, forcing him to look up and come out of his little world of quantum physics and such. His jaw dropped, and Otabek was bemused until he realised that he was stood there wearing very little. Was he really embarrassed by that? To be fair, he was a shut in, so he probably wasn't exposed to normal casual relationships like this. He found this kind of relationship to actually be beneficial- treating him like a close friend rather than an invalid was easier, and for Yuri having a friend was nicer than having a carer.   
'Why do you even have abs?' Yuri's expression turned sour. 'All you ever do is cooking and cleaning. You're a housewife.'   
'I love him,' Spike laughed. 'Please bring him here every day.'  
'If I go and change in the bathroom, do you swear not to make a move on him?' Otabek shot him a look, taking clothes from his wardrobe and disappearing back into the bathroom.   
'Spike...' Yuri felt that he could trust him if they'd bonded over Schrödinger. 'Can I ask you a question?'   
'Go for it.'   
'Does... Does it hurt?'  
'Hmm?'  
Yuri repeated the action he'd done earlier, much to his combined astonishment and amusement.   
'That? For a,' he held his hand up in a ring shape. 'You know, bottom, it will. Why, you want me to show you?'  
Yuri blushed and dropped his eyes to his lap.   
'No, I-'  
The bathroom door opened and Otabek came out looking refreshed and fully dressed at last, and Yuri didn't get to finish what he was saying. Spike was looking at him strangely, and suddenly he wanted to go home immediately. Thankfully, Otabek had the same idea and they left, waving goodbye to Spike, who gave Yuri his number and made him promise to text. When he clambered back onto the motorbike, Otabek swivelled round to ask,  
'You good? Spike wasn't too weird?'  
'No. I like him.'  
'Good,' he didn't look happy about it. He kicked it into gear and off they rocketed, and Yuri grinned as the wind buffeted him once more. He let go with one hand, moving it to Otabek's thigh and letting it rest there. He was sure he could hear Otabek muttering to himself, and it sounded a little like seventeen, but he couldn't quite confirm that so he ignored it and instead turned around to watch everything go by. In his opinion, his home was too close and he wished the journey could've been longer. Now it was back to the same three rooms that he never left.   
They seemed gloomier than he remembered, and his room was just downright depressing. He lay on the sofa instead, staring up at the ceiling and thinking about how much he'd enjoyed being at the university housing, much to his own disbelief. He'd thought university would be some big terrifying thing like school, but it had been quite nice aside from the people in the hall, and even then they'd been taking the piss out of Otabek, not him. But would people be mocking him if he went there? Yes they would, but it had been all in good humour. He wouldn't mind that. But he'd ruined his prospects so there was no chance of him getting into any reputable university worth going to, let alone to study something as prestigious as quantum mechanics and maths. He'd enjoyed explaining the equation to Spike, and having such a normal interaction with somebody from the outside world had done wonders for his mood. But then he got to thinking about how badly he wanted to be able to fit into that kind of dynamic... He wanted it more than anything else in the world, except maybe for being functional, and he'd thrown his chance to have it away just because he'd given in to his fears. He despised himself for being so weak and ruining everything for himself. He had no future, and he couldn't spend the rest of his life scrounging off his parents. Really, there was only one thing for it. 

 

Otabek hadn't seen or heard from Yuri in about an hour, and he at first assumed he was studying or sleeping, but he didn't like the silence and it was beginning to get to him. He walked into his room and was relieved to see him lying facing the wall, the duvet tucked up around him.   
'Yuri, are you alright?' He asked this casually, knowing he probably was. He didn't get a reply, but he didn't want to wake him up. He would have left him had it not been for the persistent, nagging silence that he just couldn't shake. Why did it feel so quiet? Oh god, he couldn't hear him breathing. He made it across the room in a matter of seconds and turned him over. His head lolled back to reveal a cord wrapped tightly round his neck, the skin around it bruised and reddish-purple.   
'Fuck!' He cried, scrambling for ideas of what to do. He didn't know how the cord was attached and he didn't have time to source a knot or whatever it may be, but he couldn't just yank at it because this wasn't just strangulation, this was ligature compression and that would make it a million times worse. He floundered for a second before reaching over to grab the pair of scissors in his pot of stationary and hacking away at the cord until it came free. The second it was off, he tried again to rouse Yuri, but his eyes had rolled back into his head and he wasn't breathing. He began to do chest compressions, counting in his head, then remembered he needed to call an ambulance. God, he was so scared and even though he'd been trained on what to do in this kind of situation, he'd never been in it before and it was terrifying in real time. He finished the chest compressions and pinched Yuri's nose shut, breathing hard into his mouth until he was sure he could feel a faint breath against his cheek when he put it near his face to feel for it. He pulled out his phone and spoke quickly to the emergency department, explaining the situation, and they dispatched an ambulance that would hopefully arrive within seven minutes and gave him some advice on what to do. While he waited, he continued to aid his breathing, and he wasn't sure if he even was breathing by himself or if it was just a return of his own breath tricking him. He checked for his pulse, and it was so faint that at first he couldn't feel it.   
'Come on,' he whimpered, checking his watch for the thousandth time and wishing the ambulance could be there already and the matter out of his unprofessional hands. He gripped Yuri's hand in his, willing him to open his eyes and say something stupid like, hah, got you! He wouldn't even be angry. Well, he'd be furious, but he'd rather that than him lying there lifeless with his body limp and unmoving. Once the ambulance arrived, there was a rush of motion and Yuri was loaded onto a stretcher and quickly loaded up, paramedics bustling around and trying to calm Otabek down. He was vaguely aware of them wrapping foil around him, and he thought it likely that he really had gone into shock. He sat in the back of the ambulance, his heart racing like crazy and his palms sweating. The hospital was too far away. The paramedics didn't look hopeful, and Otabek certainly didn't feel hopeful. When they arrived, it was a whirlwind, a tornado of hustle and bustle, and Yuri was carted to some room to receive urgent medical care. Otabek sat in the waiting room, where a doctor came to talk to him as he chewed on his knuckles.   
'Does he have a history of-'  
'Yes!'   
'And what is your relationship to him?'  
'I'm his carer. I'm supposed to be, anyway. When can I see him?'  
'Mr. Altin, I'm afraid-'  
'No!' He barked. 'He's not dead!'   
'No, he's not, but his chances of surviving are low. His parents have been contacted. We may need you to come in and say your goodbyes.'  
Otabek knew that boys weren't supposed to cry and men most certainly didn't cry, but he cried then. Yuri was dying. He had felt so guilty that he'd seen no option other than to end his own life, and in such a painful way, all alone. He was supposed to be there so things like this didn't happen. He thought he'd gotten through to him, but obviously he was wrong. Yuri was going to die and it was all his fault. He'd tried to kill himself once before, but then it had been just a small overdose that he'd admitted to, and he'd remained conscious and careless throughout the whole ordeal. Now was different, because he was lying in a hospital bed somewhere unconscious, and Otabek had found him like that. He'd had to find him pale-faced and blue-lipped, limp and colourless as a rag doll. He never wanted to see a similar sight as long as he lived. God, what if Yuri didn't make it? Would he be fired? That was hardly of any matter though, because if Yuri died he deserved it, and there were greater matters at hand like the fact that he might die and also the imminent arrival of his parents. But hadn't Janice mentioned something about going away? Yes, she was in Paris with Jergan for three days! She would have no idea, or maybe she'd be sat sobbing in a different country with her son dying across an entire ocean, with no way to get to him. He hung his head in his hands and tried his best to clear his throbbing head.   
'Otabek Altin?' A perky young woman called, and he wanted to shove her for being so happy when his Yuri was dying. 'This way, please.'  
He followed her down a corridor, trying not to overthink how grim and apologetic her time had been. Was this the moment set aside for goodbyes? She opened up a door and he stepped inside. What he saw made his heart stop altogether.   
'Yuri,' he breathed. 'Oh, thank god.'   
His eyes were half open and heavy-lidded, and he caught eye contact with Otabek at once. He opened his mouth to say something but the oxygen mask was in the way, so Otabek just sat in the chair beside his bed and clung onto his hand, wishing he could hug him. He held his hand against his face and closed his eyes, trying to disperse the tears gathering there again.   
'Don't- be,' Yuri croaked painfully, his voice agonisingly raspy and every breath he took rattled like stones in a barrel. 'A creep.'  
Now that he believed Yuri was fully conscious, Otabek gathered himself to full height to give him the telling off of a lifetime.   
'Don't you ever, ever do that to me again,' he ordered, and Yuri flinched at his tone.   
'I'm sorry,' he rasped.   
'Damn right you're sorry.'  
'That... It didn't work...'  
Otabek cried out in frustration and squatted down so he could be at eye level with him.   
'Yuri, you terrified me. Look at me!'  
He tried to look down, but Otabek put a hand on either side of his head and forced him to look him in the eye.   
'I thought you were dying,' he choked out. 'I swear, if you ever do that again, I'll... I don't know what I'll do.' He couldn't say he'd kill him. That kind of defeated the purpose of it. 'I couldn't bear to lose you, Yuri. You mean a lot to me, so never be this stupid again.' He was gushing and word vomiting because he was still feeling the aftereffects of that level of panic.   
Yuri was stunned by Otabek's response. He'd expected him to comfort him and tell him it was okay, it wasn't his fault and why did he do it blah blah blah. To have him be firm and drive home that what he'd done (or tried to do) was not okay on his terms was comforting. Firstly, he hadn't thought he'd cared that much and secondly, his past carers had always treated him like a bomb about to go off and as a result whenever he'd done anything like this they'd been so sickeningly simpering to him that he'd wish more than ever he'd succeeded. Otabek, though, was not too soft on him like they all were. He was realistic about it and not afraid to call him out on being stupid.   
'I'm sorry,' he whispered again, and this time he meant it.


	7. Day Eleven

Yuri stayed in the hospital overnight on suicide watch, but was discharged the next morning to Otabek's care. He had been up all night with him, sat beside his bed internally torturing himself over what might have happened had he ignored the creeping silence that still would have lingered between them if it weren't for the beeping of machines and the sound of Yuri's stertorous breathing. Every now and then he felt compelled to check his pulse and just make sure the machines were telling the truth and he was definitely alive.   
They drove home in a stony silence, Otabek's face creased in consternation. He was yet to talk to Wanda, and Yuri's parents had been alerted that he was alive, and startlingly this behaviour was so typical of him that they had decided to remain in Paris. It seemed everybody expected him to die before the age of eighteen, and he was afraid of that. He didn't know what he could do as a person, but there had to be someone in the ICP better than him who could take this case not just as a short period of work experience for convenience, but to be actively ready to spend years helping him through copious troubles and providing proper, qualified therapy. He'd thought he was making a difference in his life, but it appeared that really Yuri was as unchangeable as the rise and fall of the sun. He couldn't alter him in any way because he didn't have any influence over him. What had he done that was special in any form? All he did was perform his duties that had been given to him on a list.   
When they got into the flat, Yuri went straight to his room and usually Otabek would've let him, but now he was scared to leave him alone. He followed him and sat at the end of his bed, trying to come up with something to say. He couldn't think of anything educated so instead he just watched him sitting on the floor flicking through a textbook for a while. Then Yuri sighed heavily and turned around, fixing him with a stare that was laced with anxiety. He opened his mouth to speak, and Otabek knew what he was going to say before he said it and he felt the urge to speak up himself.   
'I'm sorry!' They blurred out at the same time, and Yuri looked very flustered by it.   
'You fir-' he began, but Otabek interrupted him.   
'No, you first. Please.'  
'Okay. I'm sorry about what I did and I'm sorry about what I said after. I didn't mean to scare you.'  
'Is that really the only reason you're sorry?'  
'What more do you want?' Yuri's eyes flashed with anger. 'Should I say I didn't mean it, that I won't do it again, that I didn't want to kill myself?'  
Otabek felt tears in his eyes again, and he hurried to hide them. He didn't know what he'd expected. Yuri had attempted suicide and there was no way about it. He had explicitly believed that it was better than being alive, and Otabek felt useless.   
'I think I overestimated myself. Sorry. I know I've only been around for two weeks and that's not enough to give you a reason to try or... Sorry.'   
He suddenly felt himself being thrown backwards as Yuri pounced on him, hugging him tightly and burying his head in his neck. Once he had recovered from the shock, he hesitantly returned the embrace, rubbing his back and breathing in his sweet scent, inexplicably glad that he was still there for him to do it. It wasn't long until Yuri's still strained breaths slowed down some and he softened against him, his small frame relaxing at last. Otabek let him stay there for a while before lying him down gently and getting up to make him some soup, the doctors having told him he'd barely be able to swallow for a good while, which didn't help when placed alongside his terrible eating habits.   
'Stay,' Yuri reached out, his small hand grabbing his shirt and tugging weakly on it. 'I- I don't want to be alone.'  
His heart constricted as he looked down at him. His throat had dark lesions and it pained him to see them, and he traced them lightly with his finger, tears welling up for the thousandth time since it had happened. Yuri winced, and he retracted his hand like he'd burnt it. They looked at each other, and Otabek was struck by how unnaturally pretty Yuri was now that he really looked at him. Before he knew he was doing it, he had reached down and brushed his hair out of his face. His heart fluttered; he'd never actually seen his entire face at once because his hair had always been shielding it from view, and he knew that was no accident. Yuri's face mantled with embarrassment and he replaced his hair with his hands.   
'Are you going to keep staring at me or are you going to lie down?' He wheezed throatily. Otabek smiled affectionately and lay down, unable to resist from squeezing his cheeks. Yuri smacked his hands away, then laid his head on his shoulder and his hand on his stomach, his eyes fixed open and refusing to close because he could feel an odd tension pooling in the pits of his stomach. He was a bit scared of it if he was being honest, but it wasn't a bad feeling all in all, just one he didn't understand or recognise. It had his heart beating a syncopated rhythm and caused his breathing that already felt like a thousand shards of glass were slicing his throat open to pick up a notch. Part of it was something he'd never felt with somebody before; trust. He could trust Otabek, and some minority of him wanted to trust him with everything. The majority, however, knew that was a terrible idea because firstly it would be humiliating and secondly he didn't want to deal with all the fuss that would be made about it. People knowing wouldn't change a thing or fix him, and chances were he'd never get closure anyway. It was so small and so long ago... Nobody could be prosecuted or get in any kind of trouble for something of the sort. None of it mattered now though; in Otabek's care, he was safe. 

'Crap. Really? I thought it was for the day after, I don't have time to do it after work. Man, I'm gonna be in so much trouble...'  
'What's wrong?' Yuri asked, rubbing his eyes groggily. He'd woken up to find he was alone, and he'd just walked into the kitchen and overheard Otabek on the phone.   
'I left an essay at my place and Spike just told me it's due tomorrow,' he sighed. 'I guess I'll have to ask for an extension or something.'   
'Will you get in trouble?'  
'Yeah, but I guess that's what I get for not doing it earlier. I planned to do it last night but, uhh...'  
Yuri blanched, embarrassed that he was the cause of his stress.   
'Go get it,' he told him. 'You can do it today.'   
'No, I have to-'  
'If it's important, I'm not holding you back from it.'   
'I can't go back and get it, I brought my bike and forgot my helmet, and I can't leave you alone.'   
'Can Spike bring it here?' The prospect of seeing spike again was actually uplifting to him.   
'I'll ask.' 

          Spike was at the door half an hour later, essay in one hand and a carrier bag full of heavily caffeinated drinks in the other.   
'Figured you'd need them,' he handed them both over to Otabek. 'Is the little guy here?'  
'Kitchen.'  
They went through, and Yuri's face lit up when he saw Spike.   
'Hey buddy,' Spike ruffled his hair, and he didn't even pull a face this time. 'How's things?'   
'Good,' he beamed, and Otabek snorted.   
'What's that on your neck? Otabek, I knew you were controlling, but I didn't think you were kinky like that.'  
Yuri's face fell and Otabek's creased into a troubled frown, so Spike's cheery humour dropped a level instantly.   
'What's wrong?' He sat down on one of the stools. 'I was only joking, I know you're just his carer.'  
'I did it,' Yuri mumbled, his face turning red. 'I strangled myself.'  
'Like... Auto-erotic asphyxiation kind of strangling?' Spike grinned, unable to remain serious for more than ten seconds. Otabek had to resist the urge to smack him into silence.   
'Like suicide attempt kind of strangling,' Yuri said quietly.   
'Shit. I'm sorry, man.'   
'No, don't be. I did it to myself.'   
'Why?'  
'Maybe this-' Otabek tried to stop Spike from causing any more upset, but Yuri shook his head.   
'I did it because I wanted to die.'  
'At the time?'  
'At the time.'  
'So not now?'  
'It's half and half.'  
'Well for what it's worth, I think you're pretty cool, and you're really smart too. You've got a lot to offer, so don't you waste it like that.'   
'You think?' Yuri half smiled and Otabek couldn't deny that in his heart of hearts he was jealous that he reacted so happily to Spike and was so happy to see him.   
'Yeah,' Spike patted him on the back. 'And you're cute, too.'   
'Okay, I need to do my essay,' Otabek cut in before Spike could flirt with his charge anymore. He all but chased him from the flat, saying a very curt goodbye and closing the door firmly behind him. When he went back to the kitchen to get his essay out, Yuri looked furious and he was immediately scared for his life.   
'Why did you make him leave?' Yuri fumed.   
'What? He can't stay all day, he has stuff to do.'  
'No he doesn't! I wanted to talk to him, anyway. But you don't care about that, do you? All you want to do is your stupid essay!'  
'Hold on, you told me to do it!'  
'I don't fucking care! You can't just kick Spike out when I want him to stay- I never get to see anyone other than you and it's so boring!'  
'You think I'm boring?'  
'Anyone would find you boring if they had to spend every second of the day with you!'  
'Thanks.'  
'Why did you do it, anyway? And I know it's not because of your essay.'  
'It was.'  
'What, were you jealous?' He scoffed vindictively, his voice turning hard. 'You were jealous!'   
'What is there to be jealous of? I'm your carer, not your boyfriend.'  
'Spike seems to think you are.'  
'Why do you like him so much?'  
'See? You're so jealous!' Yuri was tired of having to be well-behaved just because sometimes Otabek made him want to grab onto him and never let go and he occasionally thought weird things about him. He wanted to be out of control and wild, so he let run free his anger and frustration that he'd been leaving to simmer. All the insanity that had led up to his most recent suicide attempt was bubbling over now, coming out in the form of his most argumentative side. He knew deep down that he should probably stop because he was vicious when he fought, going immediately for people's weak spots, like a pit bull lunging at someone's throat, but he was too wound up by now to even think of stopping.   
'I'm not jealous, Yuri.'  
And why was Otabek so calm? Yuri was clearly goading him into a fight and yet he got nothing in return.   
'You're jealous! Are you jealous that he likes me more than you or just that he likes me?'  
'Neither. He's allowed to like you, I just don't want him making perverted comments about you.'  
'He said I was cute. That's not perverted, that's a compliment.'  
'Yeah, and you're blind enough to think it's a compliment, which is exactly the problem! He also made sexual jokes about your suicide attempt. You don't know guys like him- he just wants to sleep with you because he thinks you're pretty, not because he likes your personality.'  
'Oh, fuck you! Am I not enough for anyone? Sorry for thinking I'd made a friend,' Yuri snapped, angry tears jumping to his eyes.   
'Stop throwing a tantrum.' Otabek rolled his eyes, and that was it.   
'Don't fucking say that! Everyone treats me like I'm just some stupid child with behavioural problems, even you! You're supposed to be my carer, and yet you obviously don't care about me at all because you can still say shit like that and think it's okay.'  
'Well Jesus, what do you want me to say? I'm so sorry Yuri, please continue to act like a two year old and I'll try my best to treat you like an adult?'   
'Mental illness doesn't equate to being childish!' He screamed, grabbing a plate from the counter and throwing it down on the floor, smashing it to pieces. 'You're doing my fucking head in!' Another plate hit the floor.   
'Breaking plates isn't helping anything.'  
'I swear to god, if you don't shut up I'll do the same to you.'   
'Why are you being like this?'  
'Why are you surprised that I'm like this? You signed up for this!'  
'No, I had to get work experience and I thought it would be an elderly person who needs their ass wiped, not an entitled seventeen year old whose own parents don't want to live with him!'  
Yuri, his eyes ablaze and his entire body trembling, tore open the cupboard to find another plate to shatter. This time, a piece flew up and scratched him, and he stared at his arm for a moment, surprised to see blood beading up along a superficial cut.   
'Yuri, stop!' Otabek went to grab him, but Yuri shoved him away roughly, retreating backwards into a corner.   
'Siktir, kotakbas!' He growled, and Otabek froze. Did he really just swear in Kazakh? He couldn't help it, he began to giggle at him until it turned into full on laughter. The whole time, Yuri was stood stock still, breathing hard and looking both confused and apoplectic.   
'Did you specifically learn to swear in Kazakh so you could make sure I understood?' He wiped a tear from his eyes. 'You're precious. Come on, we've got some cleaning up to do.'  
He bent down to pick up some of the larger pieces, throwing them in a bin bag that he pulled out of a drawer. He got the dustpan and brush out to sweep up the smaller ones, and all the while Yuri had sunk to the floor and was sobbing hysterically, leaning against the wall. Otabek had seen him in this state before and thought it best to leave him because he was still angry and he didn't want to aggravate him further. He hoovered up the last of the mess and then went to sit down beside him. He'd calmed down a bit, but he was still crying uncontrollably, huge, gulping sobs that left him gasping for air in between.   
'Hey, you're okay, I'm sorry,' Otabek took his small hand in his own large one and rubbed the back of his palm with his thumb as a gesture of comfort. 'Truce?'  
Yuri couldn't answer for a good few minutes, overcome with grief.   
'I want to do it again,' he choked out, holding his neck with his free hand.   
'No,' Otabek murmured and removed his hand gently. 'I know you might want to, but there are so many people who don't want you to.'  
'Like who?'   
'Me, for example.'  
'You have to say that.'  
'Your parents.'  
'Like you said, they can't even stand to live with me.'  
'That's not fair, I didn't mean that.'   
'You were right. And about Spike too.'  
'No, he really likes you and it just scared me for a minute.'  
'Why?'  
He didn't reply, just squeezed his hand distractedly. Yuri put his head on his shoulder, scooting closer to him so that they were pressed tightly side to side. Otabek rested his own head against Yuri's, closing his eyes for a while and allowing himself to doze.   
'When can I start taking my pills again?' Yuri asked, his voice shaky and barely audible. 'I'm scared that I might do something stupid if it's not soon.'  
'Not for a week, I don't think. I'll talk to a doctor or something and make sure,' he made a mental note to do just that. He was just as scared as Yuri was, if not more. 'If you're scared that you're going to do something stupid, doesn't that mean you don't want to do anything stupid?'  
'It's weird. I really want to but I'm scared at the same time. And sometimes I get in moods where I want it really badly and I'm terrified that's going to happen again.'  
'It won't, because I'll be here.'  
'What if it happens after you've gone home?'  
'I don't know. If you ever feel like that, just text me and I'll get here as soon as I can.'  
'No, I don't want to make you spend any more time with me than you already have to.'  
'Don't be stupid. You're my friend, Yuri, not a job. I'm seriously only a text away.'   
'Thanks,' he moved a little closer to him. 'I'll keep that in mind.' 

 

I feel like that. Otabek had received this text from Yuri at 2am, and he was instantly slapping himself awake and getting dressed, waking Spike up in the process.   
'What are you doing?' He groaned, throwing a cushion at him.   
'Going to Yuri's.'  
'Bit late for a booty call, isn't it?'  
'Shut up,' Otabek threw the cushion back, hitting him in the face. 'See you later.'   
'Tell him I say I'm happy to be a booty call!'  
'I'll tell him you say hi.'   
Yuri's face was tearstained when Otabek opened the door, and he pulled him quickly into a warm embrace, stroking his hair and kissing the top of his head.   
'I've got you,' he whispered. 'You're okay.'   
'I really need to talk to you about something,' Yuri's tone was fretful and anxious and it set Otabek's heart off at an inconstant rate.   
'Okay, I'll put the kettle on and you go sit on the sofa. I'll be right there.'  
He made him some tea and got the coffee he'd specially bought for himself and made himself a strong mug of it, knowing he was going to need it if he was to stay awake through this conversation. Then again, Yuri was often full of surprises and would no doubt wake him right up with whatever secret he was about to divulge. He sat down next to him, taking a long swig of his coffee, and waited for him to speak.   
'I was thinking about this for a while,' Yuri chewed his lip, and as he bit it it started to bleed.   
'Hang on,' Otabek paused him and brushed the blood away with his thumb, looking at his lips for a distinctly long time before he could force himself to meet his eyes again. 'Okay, go.'   
'What did you get told about my... Problems?'   
'That they're extensive.'  
'Anything else?'  
'That you haven't suffered any specific trauma.'  
'They don't look very hard,' he laughed bitterly.   
'Is that what this is about?' He sat up, putting his mug down on the table and staring at him intensely. 'What happened to you to make you this bad?'  
'Is it possible that it was something as stupid as being bullied?'  
'You were bullied? Was this at school?'  
He nodded.   
'Why didn't you tell anyone?'  
'I tried, but my parents put it down to kids being kids,' he spat caustically, the disdain etched clearly onto his face. 'I kept trying to tell them, but they just thought it was teasing and they told me to ignore it.'  
'Is that why you're so angry with them?'  
'Yeah. It's so weird talking about this, I've never told anyone before... It's a relief, actually.'  
'How bad was it?'  
'Bad. They'd chase me round the school throwing things at me.'  
'Like what?'  
'Stones, books- they knocked me out once. Once they locked me in a cupboard for hours and another time one of the older boys thought it would be really funny to do some fucked up shit in the locker room.'   
'What fucked up shit?'  
'I don't... I can't.'  
'Tell me.'  
'He sexually abused me. Kind of.'   
'Oh god,' Otabek choked, his face going white. He'd been expecting something like hitting him or some similar act of violence, but sexual abuse... No wonder he was so internally conflicted. 'What did that bastard do?'   
'No, I'm not talking about it.'   
'He didn't...'  
'No! God, no. Do you think I'd be telling you if he had? I can't tell you exactly what happened because I really don't want you to think about it, I'll just say he made me do... Stuff. Hey, are you crying?'  
'Thinking of anybody hurting you does that to me,' Otabek sniffed, and Yuri climbed onto his lap, wrapping his legs round his waist and cuddling him fondly. 'Shouldn't I be the one comforting you?'  
'I've had two years to come to terms with it.'   
'It's not over. We have to get all of them in trouble for it, especially the boy who abused you.'  
'No,' Yuri froze. 'No way.'   
'I have to tell the ICP about this. You know that, right?'  
'No you don't. You're not a medical professional or whatever. I pay you to care for me and you work for an independent organisation so you have no responsibility to tell them.'  
'This is nondebatable, Yuri!'  
'Ota, please!' He appealed to him by using a nickname he knew Otabek found cute because whenever he said it he either squeezed his cheeks (which he secretly loved) or smiled. 'I really don't want anybody else to know.'   
'It goes against everything I've been told to not inform somebody.'  
'Please!'  
'I can't. I'm sorry.'  
Yuri stood up, pacing up and down.   
'I don't understand why you'd actively want to ruin my life,' he fretted, his panic levels rising rapidly.   
'No, I want to help you.'   
'Yes, and you could do that by not telling anyone! That would ruin me! Do what's in my best interests, not the interests of a textbook situation.'  
'You can't ask me to do that.'  
'I can and I am!'  
'Then you shouldn't!'  
'See, for a moment I trusted you and I thought maybe for once somebody would listen to me! Nobody ever thinks about what I want, only what they think is best for me, even if I make it abundantly fucking clear it's not. You're just the same!'  
'We're not talking about something small like you not wanting to eat, this is abuse!' Otabek stood up too, his anger rising. Why couldn't Yuri comprehend that this was beyond him, a secret that was just too monumental for him to keep?   
'I wanted somebody to trust! I trusted you with something I've never told anyone and this is how you react?'  
'Yes! It's a perfectly normal way to react! This is bigger than me, Yuri.'  
'Not if you don't tell anyone.'  
'But they can't get away with what they did to you!'  
'Well they did, and I'm fine with that. I'm worthless anyway. It doesn't matter.'   
'It does to me!'  
'You can't decide what matters and what doesn't. You blow everything out of proportion, like with Spike earlier-'  
'But that matters too! I don't want him slobbering over you like that.'  
'You don't have the right to be jealous!'  
'It's not like that, I'm just looking out for you!'  
'You really don't get it, do you?'   
'What?'  
'Why I could tell you.'   
'Why could you tell me?'  
'Because I love you!'   
Otabek went rigid, staring at him in stunned silence for a long time. Then Yuri started crying again, slumping to his knees on the floor and pulling at his hair.   
'Stop,' Otabek crouched next to him and took his wrists gently, praising his hands away. 'You'll hurt yourself.'  
Yuri was too distraught for him to bring up what he'd just said, and his top priority was comforting him. He rubbed his back and held him close, but the whole time his mind was racing at thousand knots, tumbling and turning over those four words that had struck him right in the core. Love? It just wasn't the kind of word he'd expected to come from the mouth of the young man who'd just hours earlier threatened to break him like a plate. Also, it was the fact that he knew he'd developed some feelings for Yuri, and he didn't want to accept the fact that they were returned. He didn't believe they actually were though; Yuri had always been half-neglected by his carers in the sense that he had hated all of them, and he didn't get on with his family, so he didn't have anybody to love, and he was most likely just projecting his feelings onto the first person who treated him semi-well. But then if that was the case, surely he'd believe he was in love with Spike instead. They'd argued quite a bit, and he had still said it. But the point still stood- Yuri clearly longed for somebody to protect and care for him, and he'd finally found that, so now he thought this feeling of strong friendship that he wasn't used to was love purely because he'd not experienced it before. Also, he was his carer. Anything vaguely resembling a relationship felt distinctly wrong and forbidden. He was in a position of authority and responsibility for a mentally disturbed young man and to disrupt that with a relationship was, to him, a cardinal sin. It felt like taking advantage of Yuri's weaknesses.   
Then again, it was probably just a joke. It had come off serious, but Yuri was always saying odd things when he was angry, and it seemed like just the kind of thing he'd say sarcastically. Yes, he must have misheard him or misinterpreted his tone; he wasn't in love, just sardonic. That had to be it.


	8. Day Twelve

'Well if it isn't my one true love,' Otabek teased when he woke up to Yuri prodding him gently the next morning.   
'I'll kill you,' he leaned down to whisper in his ear. 'Right here.'  
'Belt it or I'll take you seriously and put you in a straight jacket,' Otabek ran a hand through his hair and sat up very slowly and painfully. 'I think I did my neck in sleeping like that.'  
'Tell me about it,' Yuri gestured to his own neck where a thin red line of lesions across his throat made a very telling necklace. 'Get up, anyway. I fancy a cuppa and then we can do something fun.'  
'You're full of beans today. Any particular reason?'  
Yuri didn't know why he was so chipper after the night he'd just had and how Otabek had greeted him first thing. Did he really intend to make out like it was all just some hilarious joke? He was still reeling a little from the confession, and he hadn't even known it was true until he'd blurted it out. He didn't regret saying it though- he had always been the kind of person to speak his mind, no matter the cost to other people's feelings, and this was no exception. His only problem was how Otabek was taking his feelings and laughing at them. Maybe it was for the best though, because he didn't think Otabek liked him in the same way, so joking around was better than an uncomfortable tensions.   
'No reason,' he said flatly.   
'What do you want to do, then?'  
'I don't know. I'm easy.'  
'Yeah, you can say that again.'  
Yuri glared at him, but if he didn't laugh then maybe he'd ruin the atmosphere and make everything between them awkward for all eternity, so he giggled.   
'Some chemistry, maybe,' he decided.   
'We've already got plenty of that,' Otabek winked.   
Yuri studiously ignored him and went to pull out his equipment, taking out a few tubes of this and that and setting up what he needed. Otabek watched him, and he felt like he was being studied for some reason. He measured out everything required and started stirring things together, trying his best to distract the eyes that were always on him with columns of foam and fire. He was so distracted that he poured an entire test tube of acid on his hand instead of into a beaker, and he yelped and dashed to the kitchen sink to rinse it off, wincing in pain and putting a cold paper towel on it for a minute, because that was the typical British schoolyard way to heal anything from a scraped knee to a broken arm. When it finally stopped burning, he decided it was for the best to just put everything away. He tidied up and closed his cupboard with a sigh, resting his head against it and closing his eyes. He didn't get long to rest before he felt Otabek's strong arms wrapping round his waist and picking him up, hauling him into the kitchen.   
'Get off!' He squawked, flapping around uselessly and making no genuine attempt to free himself. 'What are you doing?'   
'You need food,' he told him.   
'And you manhandled me here because..?'  
'I wanted an excuse to hug you,' he rolled his eyes, and Yuri couldn't tell if he was joking or not.   
'You don't need an excuse for that,' he whispered conspiratorially in his ear.   
'Oh, in which case,' Otabek murmured, and he hated himself for it, because he could feel the sexual tension so strongly it was clawing its way down his throat and yet he was flirting right back. He hugged him, and Yuri's arms slipped round his neck as he nuzzled into the crook of his neck. He had to infuse some humour into this situation before it turned genuinely sexual. 'Are you trying to seduce me, lover boy?'  
'Ugh,' Yuri let go, his face screwed up with disgust.   
'What? You're the one in love with me.'  
'Stop making fun of my feelings,' he mumbled, ducking his head to hide his magenta cheeks. Otabek's heart faltered, murmured, and all but sputtered and died on him. Yuri had been serious? And he had just been flirting with him? What a mess... He was embarrassed for himself.   
'I thought you were joking,' he said.   
'Should I make it more serious?' Yuri inched toward him, his head still down. His hands rested on Otabek's stomach, and then they went lower to rest against his hips.   
'What are you-' Otabek was cut off by a shocked gasp when Yuri kissed his chest softly. 'Yuri, don't...'  
'Why?' He murmured against his chest. 'Because you like it?'  
'Yuri, I can't...' he stepped backwards, but pulled Yuri with him. 'You know I can't. I'm your carer.'   
'So?'  
'And three years older than you.'  
'Yeah?'  
'We can't,' he put a hand either side of his face, tilting his head back and looking down at him.   
'Why?' Yuri whined, batting his big green eyes in an attempt to seduce him.   
'I just told you. No.'   
'You're still holding me.'  
Otabek dropped his arms to his sides, letting him go but not moving away. Yuri stretched up on his tiptoes, his eyes searching him for any sign of weakness in that moment that would give him a loophole in which kissing him would be okay.   
'Don't,' Otabek murmured, and in the end it was actually him who initiated the kiss. He stooped down and pressed his lips against Yuri's, his entire mind screaming at him to stop but his body wanting it so bad. How long had he been holding this in, repressing his feelings? He pulled away very slowly, opening his eyes to see that Yuri's were still closed and there was a single tear sliding silently down his cheek. He didn't ask why he was crying, because to speak at all would mean the moment was over and it would become reality. Instead he took him into his arms and kissed the top of his head, stroking his hair and wishing the situation could somehow be different. He wanted Yuri a lot, yes, but he had to put that aside. That kiss had been to alleviate curiosity and that was all. Now he wouldn't be wondering what his lips would feel like on his, or needing to imagine what he tasted like because now he knew, and that was that. He wasn't going to do it again and they were going no further. Yuri would in time forget his little crush, and they only had two and a half months left together anyway. Otabek just wondered if he would get over his crush or not. 

 

'You look rough,' Spike commented when he let Otabek in late that afternoon. 'Is Yuri okay?'  
Otabek was sick to death of his obsession with him, but he had to accept that being jealous would only exacerbate his troubles. Was his first port of call really Yuri, though? Or maybe it said something about how much his life revolved around that boy now. He wasn't usually the kind of person to get this stressed out over anything, but after the day he'd just had and the mistakes he'd just made it was evident in his posture and his expression.   
'He's fine,' was all he could manage for the moment.   
'Good. You should bring him round again.'   
'I don't think that's a good idea,' Otabek shook his head. The combination of irritation over Spike being infatuated with Yuri and the fact that he was still reeling from that damn kiss was messing with his head to the point where he just wanted to get everything out in the open so that he could make two things very clear. One- Spike had no chance with Yuri and he should stop trying (mostly because Otabek was scared that he might have a chance and if he saw Yuri with somebody else he'd probably have to quit and risk breaking Yuri's heart prematurely). Two- he needed advice. He couldn't do this by himself, and if Spike was willing to, he would require his help to stop being so besotted with this blond boy who had gotten so easily under his skin without him noticing. 'You know I went over to his last night?'  
'Yeah... I'm curious as to where this is leading. Did it end up being a booty call after all?'  
'No, he was really depr- no, I can't talk to you about that. Client confidentiality stuff, sorry. We had an argument and then he, umm, he told me he loves me.'   
'Fuck,' Spike whistled, his eyes raising by a mile. 'So what happened?'  
'Nothing happened. I mean, not then. I thought he was joking until earlier he told me he wasn't. And yeah, I guess I kinda kissed him.'  
'Where does that leave you two?'  
'Nowhere. It leaves us nowhere because I'm not getting into that.'  
'What, you're not..?'  
'I like him, yeah, and if I wasn't his carer and three years older than him maybe it could happen, but as it stands I am, so it would be wrong to want it.'  
'That's a really bad idea. If you really don't want it to happen, you should quit.'  
'I can't do that to him!'  
'Well you shouldn't do that to yourself! Or me, actually. You're gonna be so sexually frustrated I'm going to go insane.'   
'I don't know what to do!'  
'Look, if it makes any difference...' Spike laid a hand on his cheek. 'I can take your mind off of him.'   
'What? No, no...' he frowned, confused and tired. Spike's mouth was on his before he could even begin to protest, coaxing his gently open.   
'Spike, no,' he groaned, but he was right about the sexual frustration. At times throughout the day after the kiss he'd thought his head might split. He and Yuri had barely spoken a word and he hated himself for kissing him because he knew that was what had brought on this huge increase of tension between them.   
'Stop thinking about him,' Spike whispered against his lips, running a hand down his side.   
'I'm not.'  
'Yes you are. I can see it on your face,' he smiled, then kissed him harder than before. 'I am going to make you forget all about him.'   
Otabek, his heart aching because he was still thinking about Yuri, screwed his eyes tightly shut and kissed him back, doing his best to ignore the feelings of guilt and betrayal lancing through his heart the further they went. No, he wasn't betraying anybody because he couldn't be with Yuri- not now, not ever. After he'd finished his work experience he was going to Utah to further his education and they'd probably never see each other again. He couldn't get too close to Yuri solely for that reason; nothing else mattered once he was no longer working for the ICP, but he was going to be in a different country for at least a year and he didn't want to leave Yuri hung up on him. It was weird to think that as much of a part of each other's lives they were now, within three months they'd have parted ways forever. Otabek would never see Yuri get a girlfriend- boyfriend?- or see him learn to shave (he was so babyfaced that even peach fuzz refused to grow) or anything that he would have been able to could they remain friends. Maybe they'd keep in touch over the phone for a while, but he wasn't naive enough to think that would work. Eventually they'd drift apart as people do when they move away and on into a new stage of their life. Somewhere out there in the future was a version of him surviving without Yuri, happy with somebody else and he only hoped Yuri could have that too. At this point, it was questionable whether he even had a future to speak of owing to his tempestuous nature and propensity for self-destruction. Spike's body against his was doing nothing to distract him from any of this. A part of him that he refused to recognise was wishing that these were Yuri's hands on him, Yuri's lips on him, Yuri's tongue... The other part of him was terrified that one day he'd give in and it would be. 

 

Yuri dialled Otabek's number in a blind panic, staring at the pills before him with fear and desire. He didn't want to, but then he didn't want to annoy Otabek. Last night he'd stayed over after coming round so early, and the night before he'd stayed at the hospital... It was late evening, so he was probably either out or in bed. He was just about to hang up when the phone was answered by a familiar voice, but one that wasn't Otabek's.   
'Hey, buddy!' Spike chimed down the phone. He sounded out of breath, for some reason.   
'Is Otabek there?'  
'Yeah, he's, uhh...'  
He could hear Otabek whispering in the background. It was a struggle, but he could just make the words out- just hang up, come back to bed or give me some damn clothes before I freeze to death.   
'What, not hot enough for you?' Spike hissed back, and Yuri felt sick. 'He's a bit busy right now.'   
'Okay, don't worry about it.'  
'Are you okay?'  
'Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine,' his voice cracked, and he silently cursed himself. Could he not keep it together for just a few seconds?   
'Shit, hang on. Otabek, it's Yuri. I think you should take it.'  
'But I'm having fun, and you said to forget him!' Otabek's voice was vaguely audible.   
'I think he's crying.'  
Did he really think putting his hand over the mouthpiece would shuffle what they were saying?   
'Are you okay?' Otabek sounded annoyed. Never before had Otabek sounded genuinely irritated by his presence, only angry when they fought, and even then he was always verging on wildly amused.   
'Yeah. Sorry. I won't call again.'  
'Wait, Yuri-'  
He hung up, putting his phone down by the pills and watching his hands shake violently. No, he wouldn't take the pills, because he knew of a way to cause himself far more pain; live another day. No amount of overdosing, choking, burning or bruising could draw parallel to that. If one truly wants to suffer, then they must live their miserable life with no self-inflicted pain whilst still knowing they deserve pain, as such creating a haze of self hatred and guilt to which nothing comes close. Knowing you deserve pain and yet not administering it to yourself can be far more destructive than anything else. It's just a matter of time before that agony becomes more aggressive than what you initially believed you were entitled.


	9. Day Thirty

Otabek didn't know what he'd done to make Yuri hate him, but he wished he could take it back. It had started the day after he'd kissed him, and maybe that kiss was so problematic because Yuri had seen a meaning in it, but he honestly couldn't see what any of this had to do with his behaviour. It had been weeks- plenty of time to get over his little crush! Before The Kiss, they'd always spent time together and done things like board games, whereas now all Yuri did was hide away in his room. He rarely ate, hardly ever moved but between lying down to sleep or sitting up to read a book. He hadn't said a word to him in the past three days and it was killing him inside. He just wanted to know why this was happening! He'd been distracting himself with Spike, but it wasn't the same because he didn't feel the same fire that he got from talking to Yuri. It wasn't a sexual thing- it was more that he missed being around him, teasing him, losing dreadfully at Monopoly to him and all those small things that had made his days interesting and fun. Now each day was a distorted version of hell, as if he was trapped living the same insipid day over and over. Today, though, was the day that marked the end of his first month. He was a third of a way through his sentence, and his release date couldn't come any sooner. It was agony to be near Yuri these days, and not just because of his dour countenance. He wanted nothing more than to gather him up in his arms and coo over him like a baby to cheer him up and lift his dampened spirits, and he couldn't stand the fact that it was no longer possible because Yuri would see right through it and know what it truly was- Otabek's mutual attraction. It was stupid that the reason he couldn't like Yuri back was that Yuri liked him, because surely that was a positive? But then he would remind himself of his position and his feelings would make him feel sick. This was why today, he had brought somebody else to cheer Yuri up, somebody who he knew he'd be glad to see and had missed him a lot.   
Spike arrived at some point after lunch, and he was dressed to the nines, having come straight from some event somewhere. He tracked Yuri down to his room, and Otabek hovered in the doorway to see if his plan worked.   
'Yuri,' Spike sat on the bed, shaking him to consciousness. 'Hey, long time no see!'  
'Oh,' Yuri's face fell. 'Spike.'  
Spike cast a confused glance at Otabek, who shrugged, just as stumped as he was. Why wasn't Yuri happy to see him? They couldn't have fallen out because the last time they'd seen each other was when Otabek had unceremoniously chased Spike from the house and they hadn't spoken since- oh god. His face paled when he realised when it was that Yuri had last spoken to Spike. Had he worked out what was going on or, god forbid, had he heard anything? That would explain a lot- especially why he was currently not bothering to so much as look at Spike, somebody he had previously adored.   
'How's the quantum going?' Spike tried to engage him, and was met with a listless sigh. 'I talked to my professor, by the way. He didn't believe you could do Schrödinger and now he wants to meet you. Is that okay?'  
'Whatever,' Yuri uttered lethargically, indolent as had become natural of him in the past few weeks.   
'I'll let you know about it if anything comes of it.'   
'Okay. You can go now.'   
Spike looked mortified, and Otabek had to hurriedly gesture for him to join him outside in the hallway where they could talk without fear of being overheard or eavesdropped on.   
'I think he knows,' he explained, panic lining his forehead.   
'About us?'  
'Yeah. Or that first time, at least. He must have overheard us on the phone or something.'   
'Jesus, I'm sorry, I should've-'  
'No, it's not your fault. I shouldn't have done it in the first place.'  
'Hang on, why? You told me you don't want anything from him. You're not cheating on him because he's not your boyfriend.'  
'Yes, but he told me he loves me and I feel guilty.'  
'You shouldn't! What you and I are doing is purely a sex thing, but with Yuri what you want is a connection on an emotional level. What you have with me doesn't compromise that.'  
'I can't bear to see him this upset, though.'  
'I don't think he's upset, I think he's angry that firstly you kissed him and didn't mention it, secondly that you slept with me on the same day and if he knows it's been semi-regular then that's even worse, and thirdly that you haven't told him about any of this. Just talk to him.'   
'I can't, he won't let me!'  
'Because all the stuff I just mentioned is in the way of normal conversation. Grow a pair and have an adult conversation with him.'  
'He's not an adult.'  
'But he's been living on his own for a long time and I think he had to make the transition to adult a lot earlier than you.'  
Otabek nodded, knowing he was right. Spike hugged him, and although it wasn't the same as when Yuri did, it was nice- it was comforting.   
'I'll see you later. We can order in, yeah?' Spike waved, plodding off down the hall without another word. Otabek was left standing in the hallway with a foreboding sense of doom enveloping him. He knew that Spike was right and he had to have this conversation, but it felt uncomfortable to just suddenly talk to Yuri after weeks of not speaking. He made him a cup of tea as a peace offering, bringing it to him in his room and sitting on the end of his bed, Yuri observing him warily as he sipped at the tea.   
'Okay, I have something to confess,' Otabek began. 'Do you remember that time I kissed you?'  
He took the ensuing silence as an affirmative.   
'Yeah, long story short I panicked and I kind of... Spike and I- you know, don't you?'  
'Yeah, but I want to hear you say it.'  
'I slept with him. I think four or five times maximum. It was only because I panicked and then it just kept happening because I guess you hate me now.'  
'I don't hate you. And even if I did, it's not because of that. I may love you, but I wouldn't want to control your life. It's not my place to say who you can and can't do.'  
'What is it then?'  
'That you stopped speaking to me.'  
'I stopped speaking to you? You've been mute the whole time!'  
'Because you didn't try to talk to me.'  
'Yes I did!'  
'You never told me why you kissed me.'  
'Yuri, please forget about that kiss. It won't happen again.'   
'Oh really?'  
'Really.'  
'Care to put that to the test?'  
'What? No-!'  
Yuri clambered onto Otabek's lap, kissing his cheek so softly it was like the touch of a butterfly's wing. Otabek was terrified because he had no self control, but at the same time he was elated to see the playful side that he'd missed so much in Yuri come out to toy with him. As Yuri began to kiss down his jaw, he moaned quietly and claimed his smooth lips with his own. Their tongues danced together, and Otabek tried to pull away but he couldn't move other than to slide his hands under Yuri's shirt, laying them against his harshly jutting ribs and feeling his eccentric heart leap about in the cavity of his chest.   
'Ota,' Yuri gasped, and that was the exact moment Otabek lost all semblance of control.   
'Say it again,' he growled, kissing down his neck and suckling on his sweet spots.   
'Ota,' he cried once more, throwing his head back. 'Ota!'   
And just like that, they were back exactly to where they had left off; giving into the rife sexual tension simply because Otabek was too weak to deny himself and here he was regretting his every life decision once more. His every muscle was reacting to Yuri, every atom wanting him closer and to feel him moving against him as he gripped his waist, drawing him in like the worst kind of predator. Yuri's skin was hot to the touch and everywhere his fingertips traced trembled like a cowering kitten. As he stroked his body, he struggled to breathe with the events unfolding beneath his hands.   
'This is wrong,' He breathed, making no move to stop. 'We should stop.'  
'Yeah,' Yuri didn't stop either. How could he, when this was what he had wanted since that first kiss?   
'We should really, really stop,' Otabek knotted his hands in his long hair, tugging him closer.   
'Yeah,' Yuri panted, his half-lidded eyes tearful as they had been last time. 'But I don't want to.'   
Suddenly the home phone went and they both jumped, cutting off the kiss abruptly. It was like they'd been in a passionate stupor, some kind of drunken haze from being intoxicated by each other's touch, and now it had been ripped away to expose very blatantly what they were doing. Yuri was breathing hard, and Otabek pretended not to notice that there were a few more marks on his neck than before. He got up and grabbed the phone before it could stop ringing, putting it to his ear and wishing it hadn't gone at all.   
'Hi, who is it?' He gestured at Yuri to come over, which he did eagerly.   
'Oh hi, Otabek. It's Janice,' she sounded distraught and Otabek felt his heart revolt in his chest. 'I- god, sorry... Could you put Yuri on?'  
'It's for you,' he passed it over to Yuri, who looked strangely confused seeing as it was his home phone in the first place. He sat down on the sofa at his mother's request, and Otabek sat next to him, holding his hand reassuringly as his face crumpled. Bad news? What could have happened that even Yuri was affected? He'd never seemed close to his family, so the idea of him reacting badly to something that was supposedly about a family member, or so it would be natural to assume, was unfamiliar to Otabek. When he finally hung up, he crawled onto Otabek's lap and curled into a ball as he did when he was upset or tired- most likely the former.   
'My dedushka came over from Russia as a surprise and he was going to come see me tomorrow,' he said, his voice cracking. 'But he's really sick, and he's in hospital. Janice says he's going to die.' He started crying then, and Otabek cupped his cheeks, kissing his forehead and standing him up.   
'Which hospital?' He asked.   
'Addenbrooke's,' his voice came out at a whisper.   
'Let's go.'  
'Really? You'll drive me?'  
'Of course I will, love.'   
Hearing Otabek call him love was mildly comforting to Yuri, and he nodded in approval of the idea. 

 

Otabek had been stood outside the hospital room, observing Yuri with his grandfather and feeling his heart crack a little more. He'd stayed in there for some time, but after a while it had become too painful to remain there as Yuri pretended, to his own detriment, that he was perfectly okay, even going so far as to introduce Otabek as solely a friend. It was exhausting him faking perfect sanity and Otabek could see how difficult it was for him. He'd talked to Janice, who had told him that Yuri had always got on well with his grandfather and still did, which was a surprise to everyone, not least to Janice because her father-in-law was the most pernickety, disagreeable old man she'd ever known. Now, though, he didn't have the energy to be such a doddering old miser and all he wanted to do was spend time with his grandson. Not even Jergan, his only son, was allowed in the room. He'd been somewhat curious about the tall, broad-shouldered Kazakh that was apparently so friendly with his 'Yuratchka', but that had passed quickly and now the two were talking in Russian, which Janice didn't understand and Jergan didn't know enough of to fully translate for her. Besides, they'd both already been told off for listening in at the door. When Yuri finally walked out, his face was ashen and drawn, like his blood had drained out of him and he was now just a walking corpse. He acted like one for the ride home, unable to speak and he didn't even seem to be thinking. In the end, Otabek had to give him a piggyback up the stairs because he could barely connect brain to muscles to carry himself up the stairs. He sat him down on his bed, taking off his shoes and then his shirt, replacing it with the oversized sweater he always wore to sleep in. Next was to remove his jeans, but there was no way he could do that... He was his carer, yes, but that was inappropriate when he was so attracted to him. Well, the attraction was inappropriate in the first place and there was no denying that. He found his threadbare pyjama bottoms and pressed them into his hands, giving him a look that he hoped portrayed the right message, namely I draw the line here. Yuri nodded and took his own jeans off, too tired to care or comprehend what he was doing, and Otabek took a deep breath and turned around. When he turned back, Yuri was just sat there uselessly, staring vacantly at the wall. He walked over and tenderly lay him down, wrapping him up in his duvet and planting a kiss on his head before flicking the light off and closing the door behind him as he walked out. He knew that losing a grandparent was hard, and for Yuri because he didn't have many people he genuinely liked in his life, this would be many times worse than when Otabek had lost his әжесі at the age of ten. She'd been the only grandparent he'd met, because the others were either dead or still lived in Kazakhstan. He'd visited his parents' home country twice, but neither time had he visited his grandparents there. He'd met a few cousins and aunts and uncles, none of whom were that memorable, and that had been it. His әжесі had never been hugely present, and his only memories of her were fuzzy, like when the snapshots of memory had been taken she'd moved and her picture had been blurred. This all meant that he couldn't entirely understand what Yuri was going through, but he would endeavour to help him through it.   
Something occurred then that never happened at Yuri's flat; the doorbell rang. Otabek opened it and was worried to see that Janice was behind it. She went through and sat on the couch, gesturing for him to sit down.   
'Before you ask, Yuri's grandfather is still alive and well. What I wanted to talk to you about it what happens when he's not,' she put it very bluntly.   
'Of course. Every eventuality has to be considered, I-'  
'He's leaving us a lot of money.'  
'Oh?' That was a slightly tasteless thing to say. The poor man wasn't even dead yet.   
'Enough money that we can afford a fully qualified carer for Yuri.'   
'Oh,' his every muscle contracted.   
'We've found someone, and I was wondering if you could talk to her about the job and how you think he's doing. Ideally she'd start some time next week. Would that be alright?'  
'Yes, of course,' he said robotically, unable to process it. 'You've hired me, it's not my decision whether I do that or not.'   
'Thank you. She's wonderful, I promise. Her name is Dayisha- she's worked wonders with so many people.'  
'That's great, really,' Otabek forced a smile, but inside everything was grinding to a halt.   
'I'll go break the news to him now. I'm sure he'll be over the moon to be getting a full-time carer,' she laughed breezily, like she was sharing a joke with him. He couldn't bring himself to even smile, and as she disappeared into Yuri's room he folded in on himself, hanging his head in his hands and praying to anybody who could help that this would fall through and he could live out the next two months of his life by Yuri's side. However much he despised the idea, though, some small part of him couldn't help wondering if it wasn't for the best. After all, he'd kissed Yuri twice now after already deciding he wouldn't pursue a relationship. Also, round-the-clock care would obviously be very beneficial, especially with a fully trained psychologist who could give him what he needed, not just what he wanted. It wasn't as if he had a choice in the matter anyway. Even better, he got to talk to the bitch who was taking his Yur- no way was he going to act like this about it. Really, could he get any more childish? His Yuri? What was he going on about? He pinched the bridge of his nose and forced himself to stop obsessing over it. He'd never intended for this job to be permanent in the first place and he'd have to accept that it was ending prematurely. It was probably less painful to leave now than if he stayed another two months and let himself get more attached. Also, if he stayed he ran the risk of graduating past just kissing Yuri, and thinking of that made him feel awful. He could hear shouting emanating from Yuri's room, mainly Yuri's voice, and he cringed. Of course Yuri wouldn't be taking it well... He didn't want a carer, let alone a full-time one, and added to that he supposedly loved Otabek, or whatever emotion he assumed love was. Soon the door slammed and Yuri came barrelling into the living room, dragging Janice behind him and then carting her out the front door, slamming it in her face. Otabek stared at him in disbelief as he turned around, his eyes burning with ferocity.   
'Don't you dare leave me,' he snarled.   
'You do know I don't have a choice, don't you?'  
'Don't you dare!' He screeched, punching at the wall and hissing in pain as his fist connected with the hard surface. 'If you leave me, I'll kill myself!'   
'Yuri, no,' Otabek dashed over and grabbed him before he could hurt himself any further. 'That's not the kind of thing you say.'  
'Why not? It's true!'  
'That's just emotional manipulation and it'll only make me feel worse because I have to go. I can't look after you because I'm being replaced.'  
'But I'll miss you!'  
'I'll miss you too, sweetheart,' he held him against his chest. 'You have no idea.'  
'Please!'  
'There's nothing I can do.'  
'Will you visit?'  
Thoughts of Utah popped into Otabek's head. If he went next week, he could get a headstart on the stuff he needed to do here. He didn't answer because he couldn't promise that he would visit and anyway, it would be far too painful to see him either miserable with his new carer or happier than he was now.   
'We've still got a week together,' he instead told him. 'Let's make the most of it, hey?'


	10. Day Thirty-Four

If Otabek had thought a distant Yuri was hell, he was now further than that. Satan himself was overseeing his torture. Yuri had gone from being bone-idle and apathetic to a fireball of self-destructive fury. Every day was a new challenge, and he'd especially taken to hiding in obscure places to scare out of his wits. His other new behaviours included temper tantrums that resulted in yet more broken plates, although he was now changing things up and breaking glasses and other kitchenware, setting fire to things so that the smoke alarm went off and the entire building was evacuated- this had happened twice in one day and the police had been involved, very messy. Today he was mulling over what it could be and why he would choose their last few days together being this volatile, when he walked into the bathroom to find Yuri face down in the sink, gripping at the edges and forcing his face into the water. Otabek swore and grabbed his hair, pulling his head up and dragging him away.   
'What are you doing?' He shook Yuri's shoulders, wishing he could knock some sense into him.   
'I wanted to see what dying is like,' he said with no regard for how insane he sounded. 'It's funny, they say drowning is peaceful, but that wasn't.'   
'Why are you acting like this?'  
No answer.   
'Yuri, I'm leaving the day after tomorrow,' or he would be, should the interview with Dayisha go well, and he assumed it would; she had some very good reviews, and her reputation preceded her at the ICP. Anyway, it wasn't really his decision because Janice had already chosen her, he was just showing her the ropes. 'Which reminds me- Dayisha is coming over in half an hour and you have to behave yourself, okay?'   
He grimaced and ran a hand through his now wet hair, trying to tease out some of the knots.   
'Will you comb it for me?' He asked, his expression blank. Otabek smiled, because he knew Yuri was aware of how much he adored brushing his hair. It was oddly therapeutic, and it would do something to chase away the hostility between them that Yuri had culminated. He sent Yuri to fetch a comb and sat down on the sofa so he could sit between his knees. As he slid the brush through Yuri's hair, his mind cleared somewhat and he could see his imminent removal to Utah with some more perspective. He'd been sceptical about it simply because of how much it would pain him to leave Yuri, but he knew after the behaviour he'd been witness to over the past few days he wasn't enough for somebody so plagued by mental illness. It wasn't safe to leave him alone in this kind of state, and round-the-clock care with somebody as highly qualified and reputable as Dayisha was going to be insuperable to anything he could offer. He was proud, however, of the change he'd seen in Yuri as regards to his attitude towards his mental illness and needing a carer. He'd more or less accepted that he was mentally ill, although Otabek had yet to push him to see a doctor and he supposed it was out of his hands now, and when he compared their first conversation to Yuri begging him to stay, it was clear to see that he had changed. An expression from a favourite childhood film popped into his head; 'when you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me, but do not need me, then I will have to go.' Was he Nanny McPhee? He quite liked the idea, especially if it meant he got to be Emma Thompson; he really did admire the woman for her strength of character. He didn't get to dabble over it any further, however, because at that moment Dayisha rang the doorbell and he was forced to leave his post as hairdresser to open the door. She had a wide smile on her face, but not the kind that became wearing after a while, and an infectiously happy gleam in her eyes.   
'Dayisha Malek,' she introduced herself, shaking his hand firmly. 'Are you Otabek Altin?'  
'Yes,' he brought her through to the living room, which was suspiciously void of a certain blond-haired nuisance. 'Sorry, I'll just go-'  
'Maybe it would be best if we had a little chat first,' she suggested, and he nodded in agreement, gesturing to the sofa and sitting at the other end of it.   
'Oh, would you like some tea?' He stood back up, remembering himself. How could he claim to be a Brit if he didn't offer her tea?   
'Best not,' she shook her head, laughing in the most delightful fashion. It was like the sun was setting in the room. 'I'll only spill it, knowing me. Right, let's get down to business. Tell me all about Yuri Plisetsky.'  
He explained to her all about his diverse plethora of behaviours, quirks, and affectations and how he had found it best to deal with them, although he was aware she'd have her own approach to everything because she was a true professional. In turn, she asked him questions about his past and what he was like as a person. He found it very difficult not to mention the exact details of the locker room incident, but he did tell her in complete confidence about the bullying and how insistent he was on keeping it secret. He felt very guilty about not telling anyone else, but she reassured him that she agreed it was ideal to keep it between them as there was nothing the ICP could have done anyway, and his parents weren't highly likely to get authorities involved or anything. Besides, what could the authorities do in the first place? Tell a group of kids off for something they'd done two years ago? It didn't stand to chance. Eventually, Yuri slunk in with a timorous expression, sitting down in the gap between Dayisha and Otabek, snuggling into the latter to shield himself from the home invader who was to be living with him permanently starting in two days' time.   
'Say hi, Yuri,' Otabek nudged him, a little paranoid that Dayisha might pick up on a certain vibe between them, because he was certainly feeling one.   
'Hi,' he mumbled, not turning around to face her.   
'I'm sorry, he's reverted to a child today. I said behave, didn't I?'   
Yuri groaned in frustration, but obediently sat up and supported his own weight for once. Dayisha asked him a few questions about how he liked his day to go, what he enjoyed doing (she was very impressed to hear about the science and quantum mechanics and physics he was doing), his favourite this and that and a bunch of questions so generic that they could be nothing other than some psychological test. Otabek knew because he'd been subjected to them himself in his training days, and he'd even performed them a few times on unsuspecting friends and family purely for interest. Yuri didn't miss a beat, answering everything as he thought he ought to be answering them rather than his honest opinions. This kid was too clever for his own good. He was overall relatively polite save for a few curt answers and the occasional snide jab in his tone. She was unphased by his uncouth manner and simply glossed over all his harsh interjections.   
'I think he's very sweet,' she said after he'd tired of endless interrogation and taken refuge in the kitchen. Otabek was wise to his tricks now and could tell he was listening in. Usually he would use this opportunity for a subtle dig at him and say something akin to 'yes, but he's a terrible one for eavesdropping', but now they had mere hours left together and he wanted to say something that would convince him to not throw away all the progress he'd made. Or rather, they'd made. Otabek realised quite suddenly that Yuri had made a lasting impression on him. When he'd first begun work with him, he'd been easy bait for all the little stunts he liked to pull, whereas now he saw straight through them. He'd also been scared of Yuri's antics, thinking he was deranged and unsafe, but now he could see that it was never his true intention to hurt anybody but himself. Well, that wasn't strictly true and he wasn't besotted enough to think Yuri wasn't a total asshat most of the time. Whatever the cost, he'd changed for the better and become more level-headed and mature. This wasn't just a job to him anymore; this was a learning curve that had given him a foundation to work from and a person who would remain in his heart for all time. He ought to return the favour, really.   
'Deep down, he's got a good heart. A lot of people give him crap for not being like them so he defends himself by hurting them before they can hurt him,' he didn't want to give her advice on getting him to trust her, especially not if Yuri was listening in. It was like telling her to pretend to be someone he could trust, when what he really wanted was for Yuri to genuinely be able to trust her. For a while he'd not wanted them to get on just because he was jealous, but now that his flight was booked and he was enrolled in Utah, he could think of nothing but how to ensure Yuri would be happy and, above all, safe.   
'You two are really close, aren't you?' She smiled sadly, patting him on the shoulder. She was a psychologist, after all; it was highly likely that she could tell how much Otabek cared for him. You wouldn't need a genius to tell that they were comfortable with each other though, given that Yuri had practically been sat on his lap and associated him with safety from some strange woman in his living room probing into his life story.   
'Yeah. It's gonna be hard leaving him,' he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. He could still defend his masculinity if he even confessed to having shed a tear or two. It wasn't just the leaving that had him stressed, it was Utah. It was so far from home, and that on top of missing Yuri was going to be heart-wrenching for a while. He was going to have to distract himself with copious amounts of alcohol and partying, which he didn't doubt he'd be doing a lot of anyway.   
'Where to next?' She asked.   
'Do you know Professor Joseph Maudlin?'   
'Yes, I've worked on a few things with him.'  
'Well, he's running an elite course down in Provo and I was accepted into it. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.'  
'Really? That's incredible! Does Yuri know?'  
'We haven't really talked about me leaving yet properly. I don't think he wants to, but I'll break it to him later.'  
They were interrupted by yet another person bustling into the flat. Janice came in with a hurricane of apologies and carrier bags. That was a point... She should've been there for the 'interview'. It had completely slipped his mind. She plonked herself down on the sofa with a cup of tea after trying (and failing) to have a conversation with her disobliging son.   
'Odd child,' she shook her head. 'I'm so sorry I'm late, Dayisha- bsolute nightmare at the office. Would you mind if I just had a quick natter with Otabek?'  
'Not at all,' Dayisha's smiled widened and she left them alone.   
'What are you doing when you leave?' She queried to begin with.   
'Utah, it looks like,' he couldn't remember whether he'd told her this before or not.   
'So I've heard. Now, I know this is a lot to ask because you're good friends, but... I think it might be for the best if after you leave you don't talk to Yuri. At least, not for quite some time.'  
He choked on his own tongue, staring at her in horror because he knew he had to go along with everything she suggested because she was Yuri's mother. But not talk to him at all? Was she trying to inflict torture on the both of them?  
'I know it sounds awful and I'm so sorry to ask this of you,' she did look genuinely conflicted over it so he couldn't be angry at her because she had to have her reasons. 'It's just he's going to miss you a lot and if he's still talking to you and everything, I don't think he'll co-operate with Dayisha. If he's moping over you and still talking to you, it'll only hurt him in the long run. All I want is for him to happy.'  
'And he can't be if he's hung up over me,' Otabek nodded. He understood her point completely. He had the exact same goal as her- to make sure Yuri healed. God, it was going to hurt so fucking much, though. It hit him like a hammer to the head that tomorrow was the last day he'd ever speak to Yuri Plisetsky, his best friend, his first and last thought of the day, his accomplice... Yeah, after a year or so he'd be over it, he knew, but for a good few months he'd be agonised. Not to mention Yuri was going to be heartbroken for a good while. Fortunately he had one of the area's top psychologists to help him get over it.   
'Again, I'm really sorry,' Janice hugged him briefly. 'And I'd just like to thank you for everything you've done for him. I haven't seen him this happy since he was a child.'  
Dayisha returned and Otabek left so they could have some privacy. He went to the kitchen, where he found Yuri sat on the counter with a glass against the wall, listening intently. Otabek assumed he'd heard about Utah, so he wouldn't need to tell him. He didn't look upset, so that was a positive, although it hurt him to think he didn't really care much that they would never speak again.   
He stared at him now, drinking in his slender figure while he could. That hair that he loved to thread his fingers through, those arms that he loved to have wrapped around his waist, those cheeks that he love to squeeze.   
'Yuri, put that cup down,' he smiled fondly. 'I can't believe you've been listening in to everything.' He could definitely believe it.   
'I didn't listen to you and my mum, actually. Or most of you and Dayisha,' he said, and Otabek nodded but didn't believe him one bit. 'Can you stay over?'  
'Tonight?'  
Yuri turned bright red and ducked his head, mumbling some excuse and hunching his shoulders in humiliation. Otabek ruffled his hair and laughed at how nervous he was.   
'Of course I can,' he squeezed his cheek because it was becoming a serious guilty pleasure of his. 'Are you having nightmares still?'  
'No. I just... Never mind.'  
'It's okay to say you want to spend time with me, you know.'  
'Yeah, that.' 

Otabek was finding it hard to keep his breathing level lying in bed with Yuri nestled in his arms, making soft sleepy noises and occasionally opening his eyes to look up at him with a doe-eyed expression.   
'You should stay,' he mumbled, his lower lip trembling with barely concealed emotion.   
'I can't,' Otabek lamented.   
'Just come live with me.'  
'I'd love that,' he chuckled, heaving him closer and landing an affectionate kiss on his cheek, slightly closer to his lips than originally intended. Yuri took his chance and moved his face an inch across so that their lips met. Otabek sighed and gave up on pretending he didn't want to, cupping his cheeks and reeling him back in for a deeper kiss. Yuri, who was usually a meek kitten when it came to things like this, tackled him and rolled him over to lie on top of him. He pulled his head back, just staring at him for so long that even Otabek got self conscious and felt his cheeks tingle a little.   
'You're blushing,' Yuri said with some surprise.   
'Shut up,' Otabek grumbled, looking away.   
'Oh my god, I made you blush! You're so submissive,' he cackled, splaying his hands across his chest playfully. 'It's role reversal.'   
'You want submissive?' Otabek growled, sitting up and throwing him backwards, pinning his arms above his head and brushing his lips against his neck as softly as he could. Yuri squeaked and wriggled beneath him, howling with laughter.   
'Stop!' He cried, giggling like a maniac. 'It tickles!'   
Otabek grinned devilishly and began to nip at his neck, evoking a high-pitched moan that made him raise his eyebrows and peer at Yuri's face, startled that he could make such a seductive noise, even if it was by accident. He did the same thing again, and this time Yuri was silent. He pouted and lowered his head further to the base of his neck, scattering wet kisses across his collarbone and sucking at the hollow of his throat and allowing his teeth to graze the skin gently. Yuri's sharp intake of breath reassured him that he was close to achieving his goal of making him make another beautiful noise like before. He rucked up Yuri's shirt, letting go of his hands so they could lace through his hair, tugging at it. The fact that this was the last chance he'd ever get to kiss these same lips spurred him on further. He slowly pulled Yuri's shirt over his head, watching a deep puce colour bloom across his cheeks and his lips part in both pleasure and shock. That was a sight he was going to miss. He left a trail of kisses down his chest until he reached his stomach, upon which Yuri very obviously had to bite back a whimper.   
'Oh, you like that, do you?' Otabek smirked, letting his hands rest on his waist and running his lips across where the waistband of his pyjama bottoms met his skin. One of Yuri's hands left his hair to clutch at the bedsheets as Otabek drove him to the point of ecstasy.   
'I- Otabek!' He panted, his eyes rolling back into his head. 'I'm g- going to-'   
Otabek resurfaced and smiled smugly at him.   
'Who's submissive now?' He murmured, kissing Yuri.   
'Don't kiss me now, that's gross!' He complained, pushing his face away.   
'It won't hurt you,' Otabek kissed him, chuckling at how bashful he was being. 'Okay, okay. You need to get some sleep now or tomorrow is going to be hell.'  
'What's happening tomorrow?'  
'I'm only here for an hour or so because Dayisha wants to take you to her office to fully evaluate you.'   
'No,' Yuri groaned, his hands slamming into his forehead with gusto. 'I swear to god, if she tries to do anything psychologisty-'  
'Psychologisty?'  
'It's a word. Trust me, I'm a genius. Seriously, though, I'm not talking about my-'  
'Can you try to go along with it?'  
'What?'  
'Just for me.'  
'I don't...' He bit his lip. 'Maybe.'  
'Thank you,' Otabek pecked his nose and got a smack for kissing him again. 'For everything.'  
'What do you mean?'  
'Ssh,' Otabek expertly flipped him back to the side with the pillow and lay down beside him, returning to their original position and leaning his face against him, their foreheads pressed together. 'Sleep tight, my love.'


	11. Hiatus Part 1

Otabek had arrived in Utah safely with the glare of the sun in his eyes and the unfamiliar American heat making his skin crawl. His new student housing was okay, his roommate was alright and the scenery was tolerable. It all faded into nothingness without Yuri, and he hated that he was so depressed without him already. He'd thrown himself into making his room look nice and meticulously tidying and organising everything as he unpacked so that it was spotless, but nothing could cheer him up or distract him and so here he was, lying at the edge of his bed in despair, listless and gazing at the wall. He understood now why Yuri spent so much time sleeping; everything else was exhausting to him. His heart truly ached, and he'd always thought that was an expression, but he could feel it swelling up and wanting to shatter. Yuri had been in a bitter mood on their last day together and had refused to say goodbye, which hurt endless amounts because he knew that was their last time seeing each other. Did he really care that little? Maybe he was just afraid, or he was the kind of person that hates goodbyes. He didn't blame him for not wanting to say goodbye because it was such a huge and permanent one that it would probably smother him, but it still stung nonetheless the way they'd left things. What he really wanted was to call him and hear his voice, even if he was being a brat, but even if he allowed himself to he couldn't because he had a new phone with an American number. Contact was impossible. 

 

Yuri was surprised and disappointed that Otabek hadn't said a word to him since leaving. He had texted him several times and called him twice, only to receive an automated voice message telling him that the number no longer existed. So Otabek had changed his number and not spoken to him at all. This was promising. He felt guilty for not saying goodbye and for being so awful in the weeks leading up to him leaving, but he had subconsciously been terrified of life without him and he'd reacted by doing stupid things to manipulate him into staying. None of it had worked, obviously. Today was his second full day with Dayisha and her way of dealing with him was so hideously textbook that he'd resorted to doing the most twisted things he could think of, but she was always somehow there to stop him. It was like she was some kind of psychic, designed to hawk him like a bird of prey intent on destroying his every last bit of privacy. He couldn't even be bothered to start arguments with her because she was impossible to wind up- she had that frustratingly perpetual beam on her face and yet she could also be serious exactly when the moment required. When he studied, she always tried to ask questions or, even worse, help him. He always liked to figure things out by himself, then he knew he truly understood it, and there she was trying to help him cheat, essentially. To be truthful, she actually cared for him better than Otabek did from a carers point of view, but she didn't care for him as much. Whenever he threatened to climb out the window and jump or some similar ridiculous idea, she would remain calm- always unbelievably calm- and explain to him why he shouldn't. Already she'd caught him knotting up some rope twice, and it was just getting embarrassing now. He'd taken refuge in the bathroom for a while, but there was only so long before she started knocking on the door and relentlessly asking if he was okay. It had become worse than being out where she could get to him (though he didn't doubt she'd break the door down should she think she needed to) and so now he was sat on a stool in the kitchen, staring at his phone with desperation. He couldn't bear to have her around all the time, but if Otabek would only talk to him for just five minutes he'd feel miles better.   
'Who are you waiting for a call from?' Dayisha was stood across from him, obviously, because she never left him alone. She was like a shadow, but one that talked and expected him to reply. Which he didn't, because maybe if he ignored her enough she'd get bored and leave. She didn't though, instead standing there silently until the silence felt worse than replying.   
'A friend,' he muttered, irritated that she'd made him talk. Maybe Spike could cheer him up some, but he was probably asleep now and wouldn't wake up until late afternoon. Despite having a permanent housemate, he had never felt so alone. He'd never had a close friend like Otabek before so to lose him so quickly and so suddenly was a new anguish to him. He had always told himself he didn't need, nor want, a carer and as a result of this he'd taken him for granted a lot of the time, meaning now that he wasn't here it was only harder on him because he often turned to make a sarcastic comment or try to wind him up, but instead the wrong person would be stood there. Instead of wit and amusement he got constant kindness, which was not what he wanted at all. He wanted Otabek back, even if sometimes he drove him insane, even if his stupid routine changes had scared him, even if he made annoying jokes, called him a child and accused him of having tantrums. All of that was a small price to pay for how he made him feel, namely happy. He got giddy whenever he touched him, and god was he good at that too. His hands started to shake and he held them still by putting his head in them, trying to hide them from Dayisha in case she tried to ask him what was wrong.   
'Do you want to talk about it?'  
He hadn't tried hard enough. He hated when she said that; it was so well put as a sentence and he saw right through it for what it was- an attempt to be his friend and talk to him on his terms. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. She had no idea. He was never going to talk to her about anything. 

 

'Can I ask you something?' Yuri tugged on Dayisha's arm. They'd spent just over two weeks together now and he had caught her off guard multiple times, something that never happened to her. She didn't show it, of course, because then she couldn't call herself a carer, but it had really forced her to review her methods. He had eventually given way to her kindness though, and she was relieved that he had asked this question. He had opened up in the past few days about the bullying, and she was surprised that there was something else that he deemed more private than that.   
'Can I go to my friend's house?'  
She was a little disappointed that it wasn't something more, but she cheerily agreed because he never left the house and he'd never met up with any friends- she hadn't been aware that he had any, as cruel as it sounded.   
'Do you want me to drive you?' She fished her car keys out her pocket, but he shook his head.   
'I'll get a cab,' He told her.   
'I need to go with you,' she said firmly. She couldn't let him leave the house alone because she'd seen how panicked he got. Even now, he was wrought with anxiety and had been for days, though she couldn't tell why. Maybe he was worried about this friend; he was always checking his phone and staring at the same conversation, though she'd never been able to read it. It said something about how often he stared with longing at it that she could tell which one it was by both his pained expression and the size of the text bubbles.   
'I think it's something I need to do by myself,' he explained, and she was surprised by how mature he sounded. 'I promise I'll tell you everything later.'  
She thought about it for a moment and decided that him going out by himself was unprecedented and a huge step forwards, so perhaps it was time to trust him.   
'Can you be back here in two hours?'  
He nodded, and just like that he was gone, deciding to wait outside for the cab that he'd already ordered. 

Yuri paid and thanked the driver and turned to gaze up at the university housing, his heart hammering in his chest as he thought about braving the corridors full of people. What if he couldn't find Otabek's room, and what if he couldn't find his way back out again? These were just two of many anxious thoughts swarming in his mind as he walked hesitantly up the steps and typed in the code to get into the building. He'd memorised it after seeing Otabek type it in once because he knew things like that always came in useful, and he was glad he had. Finding the room was no cause for concern because he recognised the place well enough. Up the stairwell where he'd once had to step over a sloppy couple, along the corridor where somebody had engaged in a very complicated handshake with Otabek, through the doorway with some choice words scrawled across the doorframe in permanent pen, and finally down the hall where Otabek had had to pull him off of somebody making a joke about him being a prostitue. He stood outside the door for a while, looking back nostalgically on the times he'd spent here with Otabek, and thinking how many fragments of memories of him lay scattered around the building. Him wearing just a towel slung low round his waist, him and Spike joking around, him being protective and telling Spike to stop flirting with him. He wanted that back, and that was why he was there. For the first time in two years, he'd left his flat alone and it was all for Otabek. He raised his hand to knock at the door, but hung back. What would he say? He hadn't really prepared anything, but then he was riding on the hope that they could pick up where they'd left off. It was on Otabek's terms though, for the first time, that they weren't talking. Why hadn't he called? He finally drummed up enough courage to tap lightly on the door, praying that nobody was in. Spike answered it, and he looked incredibly confused to see Yuri there.   
'Uh, hi,' he sounded just as confounded as he looked. 'Are you here to see me?'  
'Is Otabek here?' Yuri clasped his hands together, not sure why he was acting so weird. Okay, so he hadn't talked to him in a while, but only because he'd not been thinking about anyone but Otabek.   
'You're looking for him here?'  
'He does live here, doesn't he?'  
'Shit. Didn't you know?'  
'Know what?' Yuri's heart started pummelling his ribs, his brain screaming the worst possible situations at him.   
'He moved out to Utah about a month ago.'  
Yuri's heart sank once and for all, and his mouth went dry. He couldn't feel his legs anymore and his head was spinning.   
'It's some elite psychology course that he'd been planning to do for a-'  
Yuri didn't hear anything else because he blacked out. He awoke to Spike frantically shaking him awake, and he was lying on his back on the floor with a pounding headache. He sat up with great effort, hunching over and trying to gather his thoughts together.   
'What happened?' Spike knelt down, handing him a bottle of water which he sipped at gratefully.   
'Panic attack,' he breathed, blinking hard to dispel the spots of darkness in his vision. 'I'm fine.'  
'You don't look fine. Hey, did you really not know Otabek went to Utah?'  
'No. He never told me anything about it. How long is he there for?'  
'Until the course is over, so... Two years?'  
'Oh.'   
'I'm sorry. I thought he'd told you.'   
'I guess not.'  
'For what it's worth, he will have kept it from you for a reason, so don't you go thinking he didn't want to see you or anything.'  
'What other reason would he have?'  
'Jeez, I don't know. Do you wanna stick around for a while? You don't look so good, and I think Otabek would kill me for leaving you alone like this.'   
'I need to get home. I promised my carer I'd be home in half an hour,' he lied. 'See you around, Spike.'  
'You can come and visit me any time. You know that, right?'  
He nodded, but he knew full well he couldn't look at him without remembering Otabek and... Jesus, he was gone. To Utah. Without a fucking word. He barely kept it together as he walked out the door, and by the time he was walking out the building he was in floods of tears, added to which he could feel everybody's eyes on him and his anxiety started playing up again, convincing him that their stares were the worst thing that could happen to him. How could they be, when the worst thing he could imagine had just happened? It was worse than Otabek dying, because this was an elective decision to remove himself from his life without warning or contact. When he made it outside, he continued walking to wherever he could find that was far enough that he felt like he'd run away sufficiently that Dayisha wouldn't find him. He ended up sat on the side of a busy road, staring miserably at the cars with his head in his hands. Then, in a suitable act of pathetic fallacy, it began to drizzle, steadily increasing until it became a downpour. He didn't move to get to shelter, instead letting it soak him and chill his bones. The cars driving by encouraged him to stand up and start moving his legs. If he was fast enough... He couldn't function without Otabek. It was stupid, because before he'd met him he had been able to live perfectly without him, but it was impossible now. He couldn't survive knowing that he didn't want him. His legs moved of their own volition, not that he especially wanted to stop them, and he jumped forwards right into the path of a car. The headlights highlighted his small frame suspended for a moment and he was surprised that this was going to be the way he died. Because of somebody else. It was beautiful, he believed; he'd always thought he would kill himself for self-hatred, but now that it came down to it, it was for love of somebody.


	12. Hiatus Part 2

Yuri hadn't thought he'd wake up, nor had he planned to. He did, though, much to Dayisha's relief. She'd been sat in the ICU for a fretful few days comforting his parents and being everybody's pillar of strength. Now he was semi-conscious, although he was on a shit tonne of morphine and other pain relief because he'd suffered from severe internal haemorrhaging, two broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a broken arm and a fractured skull. There was no way of knowing how he'd come out of it, but the doctors said that the brain scans had shown no difference or anything that was cause for concern. It had been Dayisha who had raised the alarm when he hadn't returned home at the designated time, and within the hour she was at the hospital, where they had immediately rushed him in to operate. Four days and three operations later, he was sitting up and mumbling vaguely coherent words. After an hour or so, he could string them together into sentences, but they didn't make a huge amount of sense owing to the anaesthetic that he'd had a bad reaction to.   
'I'm sorry,' he gabbled continuously, until she told him to stop apologising, though even then it took a while to sink in. 'Is Ota here?'  
She could only guess he meant Otabek, and when she told him he was in Utah his face crumpled.   
'I miss him,' he groaned, his brows knitting together. 'He was really nice.'  
'He was, wasn't he?' She nodded. She knew they'd been close, although she didn't know to what extent their friendship reached.   
'He's the friend. He didn't tell me... Utah... I didn't know. Was that mean?'  
'He didn't tell you he was going to Utah?'  
'No, and then I was sad he's not talking- not talked- to me, and I walked in front of a car, didn't I?'  
'Oh, Yuri. Did he really mean that much to you?'  
'I love him!' He cried dramatically, trying to throw his arm up and startling when he saw the cast. 'I broke it?'  
'Yes. Quite badly, too. Thankfully, the car only hit half of you because you weren't in the middle of the road.'  
'I wish I had been,' he declared sullenly.   
'Don't think like that,' she stroked his forehead gently, trying to calm him down. 'Can you talk to me about what he was like?' She knew this would cheer him up, because he had been very vibrant for the half second when he'd exclaimed that he loved Otabek. She didn't know what kind of love he meant, but she was curious to find out.   
'He's my favourite person in the world!'  
'Why?'  
'Because... I just love him. He was nice to me. He was m-my friend. And he's a really good kisser...'  
'Oh?' Her hand hesitated on his forehead.   
'But he told me I wasn't allowed to kiss him because he was my carer. How... How stupid is that?'  
'Not very. He was right.'  
'I miss him so much, though. It hurts to be without him, like I can't breathe or something, and I'm never going to see him again, am I?'  
He started crying, and she had to comfort him, but all the while she was realising just how hopelessly in love Yuri was. She'd been privy to Janice's adamance that Otabek did not contact him, but she had thought he'd known about this arrangement. So that was why he'd been staring at his phone- he hadn't even been aware that he wasn't in the country! He needed him back in his life, really. If only there was something she could do about it...

 

Otabek was so hung up it was painful for people to watch. His new friends teased him relentlessly about his 'girl back home', because they were certain he had one, even if he denied it religiously. Little did they know it was a boy back home, and he had a certain inkling that if he told them they'd rip into him even more. They were all fun though, and he had enjoyed his time in Utah for a while, but after two months it had proved too far from home and halfway through a lecture on sensory deprivation and its adverse effects on psychological function he'd had a revelation and had booked his flight home that evening. His parents had been mildly admonishing because he'd worked so hard to get into the Utah programme, but they were fully supportive of his sudden, spontaneous career change. He hadn't ever thought he'd go for something like this; he'd always had his plan- study hard, get his degree, become a qualified psychologist and work as one, be a lecturer for a few years, and then retire in Kazakhstan. This went against everything, especially to leave such an elite course that was so hard to get onto. He had to be going insane, although with being apart from Yuri so long it probably wasn't hugely unlikely. He was finally home, where he belonged. He still had his university degree, so it wasn't a total disaster if it all went wrong, and he was pretty positive that it wouldn't. He was staying with a friend until he could rent out an apartment, and it was so refreshing to be back in Cambridge after all that time partying with people he barely knew and spending his every waking hour with people he had nothing in common with. He had made loads of friends, sure, but he wasn't going to stay in contact with any of them and he wasn't going to miss them. There was no room in his heart to miss anybody else; it was too full of his pining for Yuri.   
He'd been back for a few days or so, and he still hadn't been able to pluck up the courage to visit him. What would he say after two months? He didn't even know if he should visit, because Janice hadn't specified an explicit time period in which they couldn't speak. He hadn't forgotten her saying 'at least, not for a while' and he'd been clinging onto that hope, its ambiguity being the only thing to keep him going. Maybe it was ludicrous to ditch everything he'd been working his whole life for just because he'd experience a flash of inspiration that happened to coincide with his feelings for a certain certifiable goblin child. Although come to think about it, it was only a month until Yuri turned eighteen, at which point he could refuse care because he was a legal adult and no longer under his parents' care. He didn't think he could live without one, but maybe if he could worm his way back into his life then it would be possible. Perhaps he'd accept that he still needed a carer, anyway. Otabek scoffed at this fatuous thought; chance would be a fine thing. Yuri was stubborn as a mule and liked to think he was independent, so he would get rid of his carer the first opportunity he got. Thinking about him made him all the more miserable, because he wanted nothing more than to drive straight to his flat and scoop him up in his arms grandly, whisking him away and returning to how it had been before. He knew he couldn't have that back, because he wasn't his carer anymore, but they could at least still be friends. Yuri needed friends in his life, because it wasn't as if he ever went out and made any.   
To divert his attention from the stress of the Yuri situation, he'd offered to do the weekly shop for his friend and had ended up wandering the aisles of Waitrose aimlessly. He'd had these aisles memorised just months before, but now he couldn't remember a single thing. Why did Waitrose have a vendetta against its customers and change the location of what he needed every two seconds? It was usually more of a social affair to come here, because he would end up bumping into everybody he'd met in the course of his lifetime, and each person would stand around for a 'quick' chat until it was hours since he'd walked in. So far, he'd seen six people he knew and each one he'd had to explain to the Utah debacle and they'd all looked at him with judgement in their eyes, clearly wondering if he hadn't been able to keep up with the course, or if he was going off the rails and had decided to become a hipster and travel the world drinking bright green beverages made out of exotic leaves with names nobody could pronounce.   
He was just about to give up on finding the eggs when he heard an easily recognisable voice calling his name. He spun around, glancing about until he pinpointed where, or rather who, it was coming from. Dayisha was stood next to the cereals, holding a box of Weetabix and looking very bemused.   
'What happened to Utah?' She implored, dropping it into her cart that was full of what he knew to be Yuri's favourite foods. Ouch. Seeing that reminded him of when he had been responsible for that.   
'I got homesick,' He shrugged. Don't say too much. 'Uh, how've you been?'  
'Me? Oh, I've been good. I'm just buying a few things for Yuri because he's been so good recently.'  
'Yeah?' His heart lifted a little and he could feel a soppy smile tweaking at the corners of his mouth. 'How is he?'   
'He's doing quite well, all things considered. There was something of an incident the other day, he jumped in front of a car and he's still recovering from that, but I really think he's starting to heal.'   
'He jumped in front of a car?'  
She bit her lip , shifting from one foot to the other in discomfort.   
'What?' He frowned, his mind throwing the worst possible situations at him from every direction. What if he was in a coma? What if he was brain dead? What if he had made a huge mistake by leaving because that really had been their last day together?   
'Don't panic!' She saw his face and realised quickly that he, too, needed to be back in Yuri's life, just as badly as Yuri needed it. 'He's fine, honestly, just needs rest and time to mend. Mentally, though, he's great compared to how he was at first. He seems much happier now.'  
Yuri was happy without him. That was all he needed to know, right? He could leave now because if Yuri was happy without him, there was no need for interference. In fact, he was scared that if he did see him it would plunge him into darkness again.   
'I'm glad he's okay,' he forced a smile, ready to bid her goodbye and rush home to re-evaluate his poor life decisions.   
'You should come visit him,' She suggested. 'I think it would do him good. He misses you a lot, you know.'  
If he was happier now, that meant he was capable of getting over it. Going to see him would be reckless.   
'I'd like that,' he found himself replying, and he mentally kicked himself in the shin. What had he just told himself?   
'Well actually, he's been a bit listless today. Maybe you should pop in and say hi.'   
'No, I really don't think-'  
'It would make him really happy if you did.'  
'Sure,' he sighed, cursing his bad luck in meeting her and how easily he had been cajoled into this. He was lying to himself that he was only looking out for Yuri's best interests, but that wasn't strictly true because it wasn't his sole motive- truth be told, he was terrified of what Yuri might say. He didn't know how he would react to him just turning up on his doorstep and demanding to be a part of his life again. It was actually quite unfair of him to want that. He'd have to weather that storm when he came to it.


	13. Day 102

'Yuri, there's someone here to see you.'   
Yuri lifted his head from where he'd been closely studying a book about engineering, his face calm.   
'Who is it?' He asked casually, and she was struck again by how much he'd changed. When she'd first met him, he had refused to come out and see her at first, although she wondered if it was owing to his feelings about Otabek leaving and having to face the reality that he was. She was glad to have made a difference in his life, because although she believed that Otabek had made him take his first steps towards recovery, she had been the one to implement it. Otabek had only been an introductory carer, so he had at times lost his nerve when Yuri did and situations had escalated as a result. Regardless, they were- or had been- very close, and she didn't think it was healthy for them to be separated.   
'Come and see,' she put her hand out to help him up, which he took gratefully because he was still in substantial pain, especially from the broken ribs. His body was weak enough as it was so he wasn't healing as quickly as he ought to be. Otabek hung awkwardly in the corridor, his expression conflicted and his hands knotted together in anxiety. When Yuri saw him, he stiffened instantly and took a step back.   
'No,' he shook his head firmly, blinking hard to make sure it wasn't some apparition. 'No, you can't be here.'   
'I am,' Otabek smiled hesitantly, obviously not having anticipated this reaction. He reached out to pull him into an embrace, but Yuri shied away. 'Hey, what's wrong?'   
'No, you can't do that!'  
'Do what?'  
'You can't come back here after two months without a fucking word-'  
'Yuri!' Dayisha scolded him for his use of language.   
'And expect me to run into your arms! You lost me when you left without telling me you were going.'   
'Wait, what? I thought you knew!'  
'Why? You never told me.'  
'Because when Dayisha came and you were listening from the kitchen, I assumed you would have heard that part.'   
'I told you I barely heard anything. Why couldn't you believe me?'   
'It's not like you haven't lied to me before.'   
'When did I ever lie to you?'   
'That's not the point. I thought you knew I went to Utah!'  
'That still doesn't explain why you didn't speak to me the whole time you were gone.'  
'I don't think I should tell you,' he folded his arms, dropping his gaze and trying to ease the confrontational atmosphere buzzing between them. 'I'm back now, and I don't want to fight.'  
'Is that really your decision to make? You can't expect me not to be angry.'  
'Yuri, Janice told him not to talk to you,' Dayisha didn't want him to think he'd been abandoned of Otabek's own volition. 'He was respecting that because she thought it would be best for you.'  
'And there you go again, making decisions for me!' Yuri cried, his hands clenching into fists. 'I don't think you understand how long two months is for somebody who has literally nobody else! Do you know why I threw myself in front of a car?'  
'Yuri, don't,' Dayisha told him with a warning tone. 'You're hurting both of you.'   
'He needs to hear it. I was terrified that something bad had happened to you, so I went to yours only to find out from Spike that you had left a month ago.'  
Otabek's face paled and Yuri instantly regretted what he'd said. Not because he'd made him feel guilty, because that was his aim, but because he realised how weak it made him sound that he'd tried to kill himself just because his supposed friend hadn't cared enough to stay in touch.   
'I wanted to talk to you,' Otabek exclaimed, moving closer to him as he backed away. 'But I didn't have your number or anything anyway! I swear if I had, I would have called you every day until you were sick of me.'   
'I'm not having this conversation,' Yuri sighed, retreating to the kitchen to make himself some tea.   
'I messed up,' Otabek groaned, leaning his back against the wall and running a hand through his hair. 'Coming back was a bad idea. He was so happy, and now I've ruined it.'  
'No, no,' Dayisha rubbed his arm. 'He needs time. I'll go talk to him, you stay here, okay?'  
'I should go.'  
'Ten minutes. He'll come round. I didn't mention it, but after he woke up in the hospital, he was really high off the pain medication they gave him, and he kept repeating how much he loves you.'   
'He doesn't really. He's just projecting his need for somebody to want him and care about him.'  
'He does. I know that things went on between you two and I want you to know-'  
'God, I should never have let anything happen. I should've quit the moment he told me.'  
'No, I think it was remarkably professional how well you held it together and refused to let anything else happen, and while I agree that it would have been wrong to pursue a relationship, love blossoms in the most unlikely of places.'   
He held her gaze for a long time, trying to gage what exactly she was trying to say. She didn't explain herself any further before she went to talk to Yuri. He slid to the floor once she was out of sight, his hands clutching as his chest because he wasn't entirely sure his heart still knew how to beat. After a few minutes of trying to remember to breathe, he could hear raised voices drifting through from the kitchen. Were they arguing? He tried to make out what was being said.   
'Yuri, come down,' Dayisha was saying.   
'Leave me alone!' Yuri yelled back, significantly louder. 'Just let me go!' The crack in his voice sent a shiver down Otabek's spine.   
'If you come down we can talk this through and solve the problem.'   
Otabek, a ball of knotted worry, made his way towards the kitchen, chewing the corner of his lip and praying that it wasn't what he thought. Unfortunately, this was one moment where life wasn't playing a trick on him and Yuri was perched on the windowsill in the kitchen, the safety lock severed, his legs dangling out and his weight tipped forwards precariously as he peered down at the street below.   
'Don't try anything,' he said, swivelling round to glare fixedly at Otabek. 'If you take one step towards me I'll jump.'   
It was a form of psychological torture unrivalled by any other to not dash forwards and grab him before he could gently topple forwards and descend into a fatal fall. He was so fragile that if he hadn't been bracing himself against the window frame, there was a high chance the wind might lift him up and carry him down. There was no denying the impact would kill him. There would be no more just scraping by, barely pulling through; he would be dead before the could lean over the sill to see his body crumpled and his limbs twisted at harsh angles so that there was no doubt about his state.   
'Yuri, come here,' He tried so hard to keep his voice level, but it just came out as a desperate plea. He didn't know what effect he could have- Yuri hated him. 'You'll hurt yourself.'  
'You don't say,' he snapped, wriggling his toes against the cold air and testing his balance by swaying back and forth a little. 'I think that's kind of the idea.'   
'Please come down and let's talk about this. I'm sorry that I left you and I wish I hadn't, I should have made sure you knew.'  
'No, that's not what I'm angry about! You left for a good reason, and you thought I knew, that's not your fault. I'm angry because you thought that not talking to me was going to be good for me. You didn't just leave, you did it knowing it would break my heart!' The emotion overcame him and he inched further across the sill, closer to the void beneath him. It both terrified and elated him at the same time to be so precariously clinging to life- his entire life, every little twist and turn, every time he'd smiled and cried and all the things he'd learnt, they all amounted to his grip on a wooden frame. How amusing the idea was, that he finally had real power now over Dayisha and Otabek yet they usually had so much more than him because they had a few qualifications and had been breathing a while longer than him. He had the ultimate power though- power over life itself. He could extinguish it whenever he wanted, and he wanted to. The feeling of regency over the most sought-after thing flooded through him, intoxicating him and electrifying every one of his nerves. His body's natural instinct was to scramble as far away from that ledge as possible and it was like nothing else to ignore it, tempting death by letting go with one hand.   
'Stop!' Otabek cried out, and he smiled softly. God, he was going to miss him. Or rather, he wasn't. He didn't know what was in store after death, but he hoped it was a peaceful oblivion because one life was bad enough; an eternal afterlife might really send him flying off the rails. Maybe that was hell, having to live through yet another life. If he did, he'd do everything differently and remain housebound from birth. Still, leaving Otabek behind was the one regret he'd carry to his grave. His single consolation was that he wouldn't have to carry it very far, the way things were going down- an apt description, because lots of things were going in a downwards direction, including him in a few short moments. The only reason he hadn't jumped yet was his fanciful guilty pleasure; having Otabek standing there willing to say or do anything to convince him to stay. He imagined the scenario reversed somewhat, thinking of what his reaction would have been if he'd discovered Otabek was leaving before he'd gone. Would he have looked this pathetic and helpless? Looking closer, he could see the worry lines framing his face, giving him the appearance of a haggard old woman with crow's feet. Had he been that concerned over the past two months? The thought was comforting; he hadn't been entirely forgotten. Maybe he'd haunted his every thought, although he was skeptical because he was painfully aware of being nothing special.   
He'd wasted enough time ignoring the things they were saying, imploring him to stay and talk- how ridiculous was that? How could talking help him now? He met Otabek's eyes one last time and gave him the widest smile he was capable of.   
'I love you, Otabek Altin,' And with that he let go. He felt himself tilt forwards, the vertigo disorientating him and he was unable to tell which way was which. Suddenly, he didn't want this. He didn't want to die. He wanted to live because the fall was too long, too stomach-dropping and too terrifying. He didn't want to leave behind Otabek, he didn't want him to see him die, he didn't want him to have to go to his funeral and see him buried. How could he wish that on him? It was too late now though; he'd jumped. This was the epitome of recklessness; following his impulsions and ending up here, falling to an untimely demise with no way out. There was nothing left but to accept his fate. His body raged against it, his fingers scrambling to grasp at something, anything that could hold his weight to no avail. His mind was surprisingly calm in the face of certain death, and he didn't make a sound as he left the ledge.   
He was suspended in the air for a second or so before he felt strong arms around his waist, hauling him backwards into them. He lashed out violently, trying to free himself and clawing at the hands holding him back from launching himself out the window again.   
'Let me go!' He screamed. 'Please, just let me go!'   
Otabek said nothing, just slowly walking back until they were safely away from the window and gripping him tightly like he'd never let go. He didn't know if he could. Dayisha left the room, respecting that they'd need a moment after everything that had just occurred.   
'Please,' Yuri whimpered, collapsing against him and giving up. 'I can't do this. I can't live anymore. Everything hurts too much.'   
'I love you,' Otabek whispered into his ear, holding him closer and breathing against his cheek. 'I love you. I'm sorry.'   
He slowly let go, and as he did they sank to the floor together, Yuri clutching at Otabek and crying into his shoulder. Otabek tied his hands in his hair and there they remained for what could have been hours, but was probably just minutes, holding each other.   
'I missed you,' Yuri eventually mumbled, his voice uncharacteristically soft.  
'I promise I won't leave again. It was horrible to be away from you.'   
Yuri was silent for a few moments before he decided he ought to address something that had been weighing on him since around the moment Otabek had pulled him away from the window.   
'Did you mean it?'  
'Of course I did,' Otabek didn't need to ask him to specify what he was referring to.   
'Not just like I'm a friend?'  
'No.'   
'Not just like I'm a brother?'  
'No,' Otabek squeezed his cheeks lightly, making him giggle softly before closing his eyes and leaning forwards so that their foreheads were pressed together. He breathed a sigh of relief and contentment, glad to have him safe and in his arms. He would never let him out of his sight again.   
'Can you say it again?' Yuri whispered playfully, unable to keep from grinning.   
'And why would I do that?' He opened his eyes and sat back.   
'Because you love me.'  
'I do?'  
'Buckets. But you have to tell me that!'  
'Why?' Otabek groaned, rolling his eyes. Of course he knew why. It was cathartic to hear Yuri being all cute and dizzy like this so he couldn't imagine what it was like for himself to be acting similar. He'd never been a lovey-dovey person, but then he'd never really loved anyone outside his family before.   
'Just say it. I've said it twice now.'  
'So did I!'  
'At the same time. Doesn't count.'  
'Why are you so needy?' He smirked, squeezing his cheeks again because he had longed to do that again over the past two months. 'Cute.'  
'Get off my face,' Yuri mumbled, his words coming out barely coherent. 'Or I'll never be cute again.'   
'You're cute even when you're angry, you can't stop yourself.'  
'Just say it so I know you mean it!' He wheedled.   
'Ah, is that it? You think I was just saying it to calm you down?'  
'Stands to reason.'  
'Then, Yuri Plisetsky, I think you're alright.'  
Yuri glared at him with a vengeance in his eyes.   
'That window lock is still broken,' he said with no regard for how tasteless the joke was.   
'You know you're a git, right?'   
'Say it!' He widened his eyes, pouting and placing a hand on either side of Otabek's neck, making him melt into his touch. Otabek was weak for him, absolute putty in his hands- he'd probably say anything he wanted just to be allowed to stay there underneath his touch.   
'I love you,' he breathed. 'More than words can describe.'  
'Okay, that's a bit gay.'   
Otabek sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.   
'I also hate you sometimes,' he grimaced.   
'Can I kiss you now?' Yuri ignored him, staring very obviously at his lips. He didn't wait for a reply before he met them with his own. Otabek's heart went into overdrive and for the first time, he could kiss him back without all that guilt and self-hate over what he was doing. He gripped at him with all the ferocity of a tiger, but after a few seconds he pulled away decisively and held Yuri's face between his hands.   
'You're sure you want this?' He queried, his eyes searching for any hesitance.   
'Yes,' Yuri leaned forwards to kiss him again, but he was rejected. 'Yes.'  
'So you promise you'll try really hard to get better for me, whatever it takes?'  
He bit his lip and frowned, but nodded after a second's deliberation.   
'Will you go to regular therapy?'  
'No,' he shook his head, freezing up. 'I can't do that. Not for you, not for anyone.'  
'It's not for me, it's for you.'   
'Me?'  
'Wait, you thought I wanted you to go to therapy for my own enjoyment? No, I want you to go so you can finally be happy like you deserve.'  
'I am happy.'  
'You're happy right now, but you're not most of the time. I think what happened today confirms that. What if I look into group therapy? It might be less scary to just listen to other people- you won't even have to say anything if you don't want to.'   
He looked thoughtful for a minute, then his face hardened over and Otabek lost hope. How could he have expected to-  
'Will you come with me?'  
'Oh!' His eyebrows shot up. 'I mean, of course I will!'   
'Thank you, Ota,' Yuri threw himself at him, knocking him backwards and pinning him to the floor, refusing to get off for ages until Dayisha finally paid heed to Otabek's protests and came to prise the limpet child from his chest before he could injure himself any further. Otabek explained to her as Yuri made a cup of tea his idea about group therapy, and she was entirely in support of it. He also told them both about his plan to take a full time job at the ICP because he'd realised that was what he wanted to do. He was going to rent an apartment near the office, and since it was very close to Yuri's, they would be living probably within walking distance so they could see one another whenever they wanted.   
Yuri remarked later to Dayisha, after Otabek had finally left after much persuasion on Yuri's side for him to stay, that he was actually looking forward to the future and he genuinely wanted one now, for however long.


	14. Day 104

'Yuri, don't do this right now,' Otabek unstrapped him from the car and tried to drag him out. He'd been amicable enough that morning about going to group therapy, but now that they'd arrived at the small building it was held in he had clammed up and was refusing to get out the car. 'We're going to be late!'   
'If we're late I can't go in,' he grumbled, pulling his knees up to his chin stubbornly. 'They'll all stare at me.'  
'They'll stare at you anyway if I have to carry you in.'  
'I'm staying in the car. You go and have some therapy, pervert.'  
'You had your chance,' Otabek shrugged, then scooped him up and held him on his hip like a toddler, making sure not to touch his bandaged ribs, slamming the car door shut and beginning to walk.   
'Put me down!' Yuri wriggled about, almost pulling Otabek over in the process, and eventually he was let slowly to the ground. 'Do you just want me to hate you, is that it?'  
'And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for your meddling heart.'   
Yuri snorted with laughter and shoved him roughly, definitely not trying to avoid going in by starting a play fight.   
'I know exactly what you're doing and it's not going to work,' Otabek grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and dragged him to the door, but then he felt a hand reaching for his.   
'Wait,' Yuri's voice was suddenly serious. 'I... I really don't think I can.'  
'We've come this far,' Otabek leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. 'We can leave at any time as long as you show me that you're trying just by going in, okay?'  
He nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets so he didn't rip his hair out, and they walked into the little hall together. Seven teenagers all around Yuri's age, some younger and some slightly older, were sat in uncomfortable looking wooden chairs in a circle headed by a middle-aged man with glasses and a Kesri turban. Yuri remembered that as symbolising courage and wisdom from when he'd gone through a phase of learning all religions he could find out about.   
'You must be Yuri,' the man stood up and gestured to the two empty seats. 'And Otabek, yes? I am Aman, pleased to meet you.'  
He had a distinct Punjabi accent, and this was what gave Yuri the courage to use his knowledge.   
'Sat sri akaal,' he nodded, and sat down. Aman was suitably impressed and returned the greeting, which got Yuri a few stares. He regretted saying that because of it, but Aman's radiant smile was almost worth it.   
'Would you like to introduce yourself?' He asked, and everybody's eyes were on him once more. Yuri went rigid and shook his head quickly, looking down at his lap and not speaking a word. 'Then maybe Otabek, you can.'   
'Great,' Otabek nudged Yuri. 'This is Yuri, he's 17, kind of a moron, but he's a child genius so he makes up for it. Today is the first time he's left his house in four days and he's a shut-in most of the time.'  
Yuri just wanted to climb into Otabek's lap and hide there for the rest of it because of the eyes on him, silently judging him, but if he did that they'd only think he was even weirder than he appeared- and that was pretty damn weird.   
'Then let's begin,' Aman shifted the attention away, which he was grateful for. 'Nina, shall we start with you?'  
A pudgy girl with dark hair in a choppy bob answered to this name, and she spoke about how she'd been using breathing exercises to deal with her compulsive disorder and that it's not been helping. How was that supposed to help him? Then a boy called Tom started ranting about his schoolwork and how there was just too much of it, and Yuri wanted to hit him. How could he complain about schoolwork? At least he got to go! Next came a towering, lanky girl with deep-set eyes and a Roman nose named aptly Willow. She began to speak, and instantly Yuri was enchanted. Every word she said resonated with him in ways he hadn't known somebody else's could.   
'I honestly feel like there's no way out of this black hole I'm in. People just expect me to climb out, but my hands are tied and they think they're helping by telling me to climb. They don't understand that I want to be free, I just physically can't. Half the time, I want to be dead and the other half I'm terrified of it.'   
He could relate to her. Was that what made group therapy good? He didn't know how this could be beneficial, but it was at least reassuring to know he wasn't the only person who felt this way. Everybody immediately jumped forward with coping methods, distraction strategies and endless compliments that made Willow blush and smile, thanking them profusely for their kind words. Maybe it was the support system. These people were all friends already though, and he felt as if he was encroaching on their personal time. They didn't want him listening to their stories; he was probably making them all uncomfortable and creeped out. Why he he agreed to this? His pulse started doing the telltale erratic leap, and his breaths became shallow. If he had a panic attack in front of them he could never live it down and he'd never be able to go back. He couldn't speak up to leave however, because then he'd actually have to open his mouth and make a noise and he wasn't capable of that in front of them. As the tears began welling up, he reached out and grabbed at Otabek's sleeve, tugging at it hard. He looked down and saw how pale his face was and the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks.   
'Can you give us a second?' He asked Aman, standing up and pulling Yuri with him.   
'Of course. If you go through there and to the left,' he gestured at a doorway. 'You can stay in there for as long as you need.'   
The group were blatantly trying actively not to stare, and that just made Yuri feel all the more uncomfortable. When they escaped at last to the room round back, he burst into tears and threw himself down on one of the sofas, burying his face into his knees and sniffing loudly. Otabek sat down and huddled him close, not saying anything just yet. Although they weren't on bad terms, there was still some awkwardness as was perfectly normal after two months apart. He squeezed his arm comfortingly and gently rocked him back and forth until the sobs subsided and he could talk.   
'Are you angry with me?' He snivelled, picking his head up and looking him dead in the eye.   
'What? Why would I be?'   
'Because I didn't try hard enough.'   
'You went in, that's all I asked. We'll take it one step at a time.'  
'Can the next step be out the door?'   
'You really want to go?'  
'Yeah.'  
'Then okay, we'll go,' Otabek rested his head against his shoulder. 'But first, can you tell me why you're so panicked?'  
'Because they don't know me well enough to tell me that stuff. I'm just invading their personal space. Anyway, I'm so much worse than all of them that it's embarrassing. They'll think I'm useless and lazy.'   
'The group is here for one purpose; to give you a safe space to get things off your chest and see that you're not alone. It's not about what your problems are, it's about helping you cope. I think you should go back in there and just listen to what they have to say.'   
'Can't we just stay here?' He moaned, tilting his head back to look up at the ceiling in exasperation.   
'That's not trying.'  
'I'm sure I could tempt you,' Yuri's fingers brushed against Otabek's cheek, followed by his lips. 'What do you think?'   
Otabek pecked him on the cheek and stood up before he could be persuaded to stick around and indulge in that kind of behaviour. They had to go back in, because the longer Yuri stayed in this room the more daunting it would be to return. Everybody was all smiles when they went back in, discussing animatedly an upcoming pizza night they were organising between them.   
'Yuri, do you want to come?' Nina suggested shyly, her round face pink. 'It's after the next session.'   
He coloured darker than she did, stunned that they'd want him to go.   
'I'm really sorry, I don't-' he began, but she interrupted him.   
'Yeah, of course, it's a lot to ask, I know you're a shut-in, maybe some other time?' She gabbled, her eyes wide.   
'Uh, yeah,' he sat down, staring at his lap so as to avoid looking at her.   
The rest of the session was okay for him, and he was able to keep it together. Aman asked him if he had anything to share, but he shook his head and retained his apparent vow of silence. He didn't even speak to Otabek as he drove him home, pursing his lips and ignoring all his attempts at conversation. Otabek hated to see him so upset, and when he dropped him back he followed him upstairs.   
'Hi, Otabek,' Dayisha greeted him, and he was happy to have at least somebody who wasn't studiously ignoring him. 'How was it?'   
'He had a little panic at the beginning, but I think it went quite well.'   
'Yuri, what did you think?'  
He shrugged, pulling a bottle of juice from the fridge and pouring himself a glass. Otabek smiled fondly at how childish he could be- it was, to him at least, adorable. He hugged him from behind as he gulped it down, kissing his cheek and making him choke and splutter juice everywhere. Otabek just chuckled at him and grabbed a tea towel to mop up the mess he'd created, taking extra care to dab at his face- more specifically, his lips. He kissed them quickly before Yuri could get out of range, and received a horrified stare in return.   
'What?' He frowned. 'Is that a no, then?'  
Yuri looked pointedly at Dayisha, jerking his head towards where she was stood making food, observing them casually. She waggled her fingers at him, and her and Otabek shared a conspiratorial smile.   
'I don't mind it,' she trilled. 'I'm not easily sickened, as long as you don't get too mushy about it. I'm just glad to see you happy.'   
Yuri scoffed and when Otabek tried to kiss him again, he ducked and jabbed him in the gut, sending him stumbling backwards.   
'I'm taking that as a challenge,' Otabek smirked, lunging at him but just missing by a fingertip. Yuri danced out of reach every time, beginning to laugh and enjoy the game, until finally he jumped onto Otabek's back as he began to swing wildly around in a dizzyingly fast orbit.   
'Wait, I'll fall!' Yuri shrieked with laughter, clinging on for dear life and wrapping his legs round his waist as his head began to spin with him. Otabek suddenly halted and lowered him down. While he was weak and at a disadvantage due to being blinded by a reeling giddiness, Otabek kissed him.   
'That's cheating,' Yuri moaned against him, but didn't push him away. Instead, he smiled against his lips and stood on his tiptoes so that they could better reach each other and Otabek didn't develop a permanently stooped posture.   
'At least I don't cheat at monopoly,' Otabek whispered, and Yuri kicked him in the shin.   
'I don't cheat!' He cried indignantly, skittering away and flipping him off. 'I tried to give you all my properties that one time, remember?'  
'Because I told you to be a communist.'  
'Shut up, you asshat,' he scowled, sidling back to his favourite spot beside him, burrowing into his chest. 'When do we have to go back to that stupid group?'   
'In two days' time. It's every three days.'   
'Oh joy,' His sarcasm could give anybody a run for their money.   
'If you're good,' Otabek whispered low in his ear so that Dayisha couldn't hear. 'We can go back to mine for a bit after.'  
'Why?'  
'You're so naïve it's unreal- so that we can be alone. As in, away from Dayisha.'  
'Do you not like her?'  
'Never mind,' Otabek sighed in frustration. 'I give up. I should probably be getting home, anyway.'   
'See you tomorrow,' Yuri said without thinking, then remembered Otabek wasn't his carer anymore. They'd be seeing each other a lot less.   
'Yeah,' Otabek kissed the top of his head. 'I don't start work for another two weeks and even then it's only Monday through Thursday.'   
He let go reluctantly and went to grab his jacket. As he shrugged it on, he caught Yuri staring at him from across the hallway. He smiled at him, unable to look away.   
'Love you,' He blew a kiss, and Yuri went bright red, ducking his head. 'Say it back or I'll not come tomorrow!'  
'I love you,' he grumbled, simultaneously giving him the finger. 'Now get out.'   
Otabek left with the most stupid grin on his face and his entire body excited to see him again.


	15. Day 109

Otabek felt kind of sorry for Dayisha; the poor woman must have been at her limit already. It seemed that every five minutes she was assaulted by walking in on him and Yuri being insufferably mawkish. There was never a moment when they were together that Yuri wasn't sat on his lap or clinging to him in some manner- he'd lately taken to demanding piggybacks everywhere they went. Otabek met each 'request' with good humour, blindly in love and with not a care in the world.   
Currently, Yuri was curled up on his lap and Otabek was reading a book, stroking his hair absent-mindedly whilst trying not to get too distracted by him. This was a formidable task because Yuri seemed intent on employing every fraction of his attentions, constantly poking him or reaching up to run a hand through his hair and brush his fingers against his cheeks. Eventually it proved to be too much for Otabek and he placed the book down beside them, folding over the corner of the page to save his place.   
'What do you want?' He sighed, but he couldn't sound irritated when Yuri was being cute like he was now.   
'Feed me,' Yuri ordered, and although it was in such an uncouth manner, Otabek was pleased to hear him asking after food for once. He heaved them both up and they crossed into the kitchen, where he started pulling out various pans and raiding the fridge for ingredients.   
'You know you have a carer for this, right?' He remarked as he set a few things aside.   
'I like watching you cook,' Yuri sat on one of the stools and observed him measuring out some stuff.   
'You know what? Do it yourself.'  
'I can't cook.'  
'Here,' Otabek outstretched his hand, leading him to the kitchenware and explaining what everything was. 'Today, you're going to make pasta.'  
'Fine cuisine,' Yuri commented dryly.   
'Boil some water in that pan. I assume you know how to turn the gas on?'  
'Of course I do,' He nodded furiously, but made no move to do it.   
'I can't believe you,' Otabek growled, turning the gas on for him. 'Now put the pan over it. Hey, careful with your arm.'   
Yuri winced as he tried to pick the pan up with his fractured wrist, wrenching it away and replacing it with the one that was only bruised. They waited until it had been brought to the boil, then tipped in a load of dry penne. Otabek had Yuri ready the colander in the sink and get out some sauce. He directed him on draining the pasta, putting it back in the pan and heating it up again with the sauce.   
'See, it's not that hard,' he stood close behind him to make sure he didn't accidentally set fire to everything. Yuri picked it up to pour it into a bowl and was just carrying said bowl to the table when Otabek slung an arm round his waist, making him jump and spill the pasta down his shirt.   
'Shit!' He yelped, dumping the bowl down and staring in horror down at himself. 'I hate you!'  
'Oh for god's sake,' Otabek rolled his eyes. 'You can't blame everything on me. Go have a shower.'   
'It's broken.'  
'Then have a bath!'  
'I can't be bothered.'  
'You have sauce in your hair. You need a bath now.'  
'Make me,' Yuri made the mistake of uttering, and it wasn't until Otabek had picked him up and thrown him over his shoulder that he realised his mistake. 'Let go you creep!'   
He slammed his fists against his back, but to no avail. Otabek plonked him down on the chair in the bathroom and started running the water.   
'I'm not getting in,' Yuri scowled, annoyed now and just wanting him to stop messing around. All he needed to do was run his hair under the tap and put on a different shirt. Otabek brought him a fresh change of clothes and laid them on the laundry basket for when he got out, then turned the water off and pointed at the bath.   
'Nope,' Yuri shook his head resolutely.   
'I will throw you in.'  
'In my clothes?'   
'No,' Otabek grinned and grabbed him, wrenching his shirt over his head and paying no heed to the amused shrieks emanating from Yuri's lips, then slowly unraveled the bandages round his upper torso.   
'It's cold!' He whined, wrapping his arms around his bony ribcage.   
'Then you'd better get in. You'd be warmer if you weren't such a runt.'  
'You're such a creep, I swear to god. I should report you.'   
Their eyes met in a face off, and just moments before imaginary pistols could be drawn Otabek did the next best thing, hooking his fingers through Yuri's belt loops and drawing him close. He smirked down at him with an incalculable amusement, slowing bringing his hands together to undo the button, then unzip his flies.   
'I thought I was supposed to be the suicidal one,' Yuri mumbled, his cheeks magenta. 'But here you are, antagonising me.'   
Otabek just continued to grin down at him with a mischievous glint in his dark eyes and shimmied his jeans a little further down, tucking his fingers into Yuri's boxers, preparing to pull them down too.   
'Don't you dare,' He warned in his scariest voice. 'I wasn't joking, I will kill you.'   
'I'm taking these down with me,' Otabek cackled, tugging them down and picking him up with surprising ease to toss him into the bathtub. Yuri screamed and thrashed around then rolled into a ball like a little woodlouse.   
'Oh, don't pretend it's nothing I haven't seen before,' Otabek rolled his eyes at how dramatic he was being, then dunked him under the water for half a second to wet his hair. He resurfaced gasping for breath with a horrified expression on his face.   
'What do you mean before?' He squeaked as he rubbed the water from his eyes.   
'You don't remember the night before I left?'  
'Oh,' he frowned. 'Yeah.'   
Otabek chuckled to himself as he poured shampoo onto his hair and lathered it through all the way to the ends.   
'It's so long,' he observed, massaging his scalp.   
'I know. I should get it cut, but I can't bring myself to go to the barbers.'  
'No!' Otabek objected. 'I like it long.'   
'Really?' Yuri tilted his head back to meet his fond gaze.   
'Really.'  
Yuri sat in silence for a minute, his face concentrated and Otabek could tell he was deliberating over something as he rinsed off the shampoo. Then, and it all happened so quickly it didn't register until a few moments afterwards, he grabbed the shower head and pointed it in Otabek's direction, spraying him with water. He gasped and looked down at himself in astonishment, and all the while Yuri was in hysterics. Otabek pulled the scariest face he knew and ducked Yuri's head under the water to shut him up, but then as he leaned over, Yuri's hands yanked him forwards so that he fell right into the water, clothes and all. He resurfaced, spluttering water everywhere and shaking his hair out.   
'You idiot!' He complained, but he was laughing too. 'Come here and let me kick your ass.'  
'We're both in a bathtub and I am naked. Please don't,' Yuri mimed terror, his hands flying to his face before he lay back against the side of the tub, Otabek lying the other way and studying him, scrutinising every part of his face and torso. Under the microscope, he flushed pink and curled into his characteristic ball again.   
'Hey, don't be shy,' Otabek murmured, unfurling him with his hands.   
'Thanks, I'm cured,' He sneered, and Otabek got the feeling that he was using humour to cover up how uncomfortable he was being so exposed. It wasn't just physical exposure; he'd had to be so open with Otabek in a way that he never had before with anybody else. Of course he'd be anxious over it.   
'Come here,' he opened his arms, the water cascading from his shirt, and waited for him to slither into them. He coddled him into a bear hug, slapping a kiss on his cheek and squeezing him tightly. 'I love you.'   
He didn't let go as he tried to scramble away in embarrassment, instead holding him more securely and kissing down his jaw, then continued to his neck.   
'I love you,' he muttered in between kisses, his hands sliding downwards.   
'Dayisha's in the next room,' Yuri had to remind him, and the hands relinquished, much to his chagrin. 'I didn't say stop...'  
Otabek choked back a laugh, nipping at the skin at the base of his throat and evoking a soft whimper. If he was going to hell, it may as well be for this.

Once Yuri was out the bath and they were both dry (after Otabek had stolen his dressing gown to replace his own sodden clothes), they snuggled up on the couch so Yuri could take a nap. They didn't get long before Dayisha came and sat on the armchair across from them.   
'You two okay?' She asked with her usual beam.   
'Well, he tried to drown me, but other than that I guess we're good,' Otabek shrugged.   
'I can see that,' She gestured to his uncharacteristically messy hair, usually so perfectly styled. 'Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something.'  
'Don't say that,' Yuri grimaced. 'People only say that when they're about to ruin your life.'  
'Cut me some slack,' She merely laughed at his pessimism. 'It's a good thing, I think. Do you remember Spike?'  
'Sure.'  
Otabek was surprised to hear that name; he hadn't seen Spike since he'd left for Utah. Now that he thought about it, a visit to his old friend might be in order.   
'I bumped into him yesterday, and we got to talking. He told me about a lecturer he'd promised could meet you ages ago, and how he was still desperate to see you but he felt too awkward to say anything. Did you two fall out?'  
'No, I... We just lost touch. People do.'  
'Well, it's about this lecturer thing. I thought it a brilliant idea for you- it could be very beneficial to talk to somebody so erudite. Also, you only ever spend time with Otabek and myself. So I said he could come tomorrow morning.'  
'I have group,' Yuri countered hurriedly, his body tense as he thought about the prospect of having to talk to somebody he would probably very much admire about something he was passionate about. He wasn't anything special; the lecturer was bound to be disappointed by him. He couldn't grasp even the most basic of concepts.   
'Not until later. It'll only be for an hour or so. I know it's difficult, but I think it's important.'   
'Do I need to remind you what happened last time something was important for me?'  
She frowned at him in bemusement, not catching on.   
'The last time I saw Spike, actually. You know, the day I jumped in front of a car,' It was amazing how he could say these distressing things with such nonchalance. 'I won't speak to them.'   
Dayisha looked to Otabek for support, and he was eager to oblige. Yuri found it funny that she thought he was wrapped around Otabek's little finger. Little did she know, it was the other way around.   
'Please?' Otabek whispered in his ear, running a hand down his thigh for added emphasis. 'I'll be right there with you.'   
'Fine,' He grumbled, unable to ignore the wandering hand. He held it in his own to stop it from straying any further. 'But he can talk to me. I'm not saying anything back.'


	16. Day 110

Otabek could tell just by looking at him that Yuri was having a bad day when he arrived the next morning to lend him some moral support. He had this expression, not unlike the one his father used to get when the football team he supported was just about to score a goal, but it was up in the air as to whether they would. It was the same expression his mother had worn when he had come home from school as a child covered in various scratches and bruises from being a little too boisterous in the yard.   
The first thing he did was hug him, then stroke his hair in the specific way he liked.   
'Are you really nervous?' He kept his voice low volume so as not to startle him or overload his hypersensitive hearing. When he was anxious like this, every sense was heightened and it could all become very disorientating and overwhelming for him, so it was usually best to be as unobtrusive as possible.   
'If he still wants to meet me after two months and he's willing to come at such short notice, he's expecting something incredible. I'm not incredible.'   
'You are. He's going to be amazed by you, trust me.'  
Yuri suddenly went pale and sprinted for the bathroom, where he promptly bent over the toilet and dry heaved until he was overtaken by a coughing fit from the violence of his retching. Otabek sat and rubbed his back as Dayisha came in to check he was alright.   
'Just anxious,' He panted, shooing her away before he gagged again, tears dripping from his cheeks. 'I can't do this.'   
'Maybe not on your own, but we can do this.'  
'You're not helping.'   
Otabek simply smiled and stroked his back some more, kissing his cheek gently.   
'I bet I look really sexy throwing up, don't I?' Yuri breathed, hanging his head in his hands.   
'Naturally,' Otabek assured him. 'The lecturer won't be able to keep his hands off of you.'   
'Will you fend him off?'  
'With my best efforts. Not beyond strain, because my hair,' He gestured to his perfectly gelled coiffure. The doorbell rang and Yuri groaned, allowing Otabek to help him up and splash his face with some cold water. Dayisha had already let the lecturer through and he was sat on the couch looking rather pleased to be there. He was short, certainly no taller than Otabek, but he had wildly curly hair that added a few inches at least.   
'Hi, I'm Charles Marsh,' He stood up stuck his hand out to shake Yuri's, but Otabek was forced to shake it instead as Yuri disappeared behind him.   
'Otabek Altin,' He introduced himself. 'That's Yuri there. He's a bit shy.'   
'Oh, that's fine. I just want to talk to you, is that okay?'  
Otabek stepped to the side, forcibly exposing Yuri, who looked a rabbit trapped in the headlights of an oncoming car.   
'Your friend Andrew tells me you can do everything on my university course,' Charles looked slightly awestruck to finally see the boy he'd been hearing so much about. 'Is that true?'   
Yuri looked up at Otabek with a confused expression.   
'Spike's real name is Andrew,' he explained. Yuri looked back to Charles and nodded once, biting his lip in anxiety.   
'Do you mind if I talk to you about what you've learnt so far? I'm very impressed that you even know what any of the stuff he's told me about is.'   
The two of them sat down, Yuri on the armchair with his legs folded in front of him and Charles across the table on the sofa. Otabek began walking away to the kitchen when Yuri's desperate eyes shot him a glance, silently pleading with him not to leave him alone with a stranger. Otabek knew if he was there, Yuri would take every opportunity to hide behind him and manipulate him into becoming a distraction. Plainly put, he wouldn't concentrate on Charles and instead force Otabek to make conversation. This was why he walked out.   
'I'll be in the kitchen if you need me,' He told them both before he left. He sat down next to Dayisha, who looked worn out- as she should be, living with somebody as volatile as Yuri.   
'Poor kid,' She sighed, nursing a cup of tea.   
'What do you mean?' He rested his head on his hand.   
'He's been so anxious over this. He was up all night having panic attacks.'  
'He has?' Otabek hated to think that he hadn't been there, but he'd had Dayisha and he trusted her.   
'I think he's afraid after so long not having a teacher or going to school. That kind of atmosphere... It will bring up bad memories.'  
'I didn't think of that,' It stung that he hadn't thought of that- why hadn't he thought of that? He was the first person Yuri had come forward to about his ordeal at school, and he couldn't believe that hadn't been a thought process in his mind. 'Should I be in there with him?'  
'No, no. You were right to leave him. He has to get used to socialising with people other than us at some point, and I think starting from home with somebody used to talking to people rather than with them is going to help. How was he at group last time?'  
'He's still not opening up to anybody. Just sits there silently, doesn't meet anybody's eye. I know I can't expect much yet because it's only been two sessions but...'  
'But you want him to try more. I get it, he's frustrating at best. Especially since you're so you know, involved with him.'  
'I want to make a difference, I guess.'  
'Just give it time. He needs to get used to being around people again, especially people his age.'   
'I can't believe I didn't think about any of this.'  
'Remember I've got years on you, and it doesn't mean you're any less of a boyfriend.'  
'That sounds official,' Otabek sucked his teeth.   
'You're not his boyfriend?'  
'I suppose I am, we've just never had to say it because it's not like we have anyone to tell. He doesn't leave the flat.'  
'Well I hope you understand you'll have to tell his mother.'   
'Oh yeah, god yeah. We'll do that when she next visits. You don't- you don't think she'll mind, do you?'  
'I shouldn't think so.'  
'Good. I'll have to tell my parents too, won't I?'  
'How do you think they'll take it?'  
'They know about me, but I don't think they'll approve of a mentally ill shut-in who I was previously in charge of and is nearly four years younger than me.'  
'He's eighteen next month, though.'   
'Still, I entered a relationship with a vulnerable seventeen year old than I was responsible for. What kind of person does that make me?'  
'You're good for him, Otabek. You might not see it and obviously you have reservations about it because he's such a difficult person, but when he's with you he's happy. He doesn't get that happiness from anyone else. He's never been able to be physically intimate with anyone before.'  
'Isn't that just because he hasn't had anyone he could be intimate with?'  
'There's nothing to indicate that. He told you he loved you within less than two weeks, and nothing ever happened before that. I think the emotional closeness is more important to him. People love him- his parents do, his carers have all liked him in a roundabout way- but he pushes their affections away. Not with you, though.'   
'Never thought of it that way.'  
'You've got a one track mind. That's okay, it means you'll reach any goal you want.'  
'My only goal right now is for Yuri to be happy.'  
'Mine too,' she smiled and patted him on the back in camaraderie. 'So let's make it happen, shall we?'

 

Yuri couldn't believe how swimmingly things were going for him. It had been a slow first few minutes whilst he got over his nerves and tried to forget about last time he'd been in school, but then a spark had ignited within him and now he and Charles (he had never been allowed to call a teacher by their first name before- this made university seem even better to him) were discussing animatedly the merits of learning about rigid bodies.   
'I was confused at first by why the intermediate axis being unstable was such a hard concept to grasp,' He stated. 'But then I was talking to Spike- sorry, Andrew- and he said it was the Poinsot construction, and then if a net torque was added he lost his train of thought entirely.'  
'Most of my students are struggling with it a lot,' Charles nodded. 'But you, however, understand it perfectly well. I can't believe you've taught yourself all of this, it's like nothing I've ever seen before. Are you sure you haven't been in school since 15?'   
'Yeah,' He chewed at the corner of his lip. 'I know I should have stayed.'   
'I actually want to ask you something difficult.'  
'Do I need paper?'  
'No, I mean more along the lines of your future.'  
'My future?' His eyebrows raised slightly. He hadn't expected that. There were many times in his life when he didn't believe he had a future, so having somebody ask him about it would be difficult since he had nothing resembling a plan in any form.   
'University, to be specific. I think you coul do it, really I do. You could stay here because you're close enough to everything, so you wouldn't have to worry about that.'   
'I think you're missing the point that I don't have any A Level grades and I'm a dropout.'   
'Technically, you're home schooled. Look, I'm a very senior lecturer and I have a lot of influence on the board. I'd really love for you to come to Cambridge, Yuri, and I think you'd be a real asset to the quantum mechanics course. You could go really, really far, you hear me? I'm going to go away and talk to the governors, persuade them to do something. I'll get you into university, whatever it takes, if you want to go. Do you?'  
'I- I need to think about it,' Yuri's head was swimming. University? For him? It hadn't been a possibility in over two years and he didn't know if he could handle it in the first place. The idea of going back to that kind of environment terrified him, and not just because of the bullying he'd experienced. He didn't think that would happen to him at university; everybody was more mature by then and he didn't have to see them outside of lectures. The only problem came when he had to go to lectures. Firstly, how would he get there? Walking? He knew that was absurd. He'd have a panic attack walking down the stairs. Dayisha could drive him, but that would be plain embarrassing and he was planning to be shot of her the second he turned eighteen. If he did go to university, he didn't want anyone knowing he had a carer. Secondly, he'd have to sit in lectures with other people who would be looking at him and making silent judgements. They'd all make friends quickly and he'd be the one lonely person sat on his own because he couldn't connect with them. He'd been away from people for so long he didn't know how to act around them anymore- Otabek and Dayisha were easy to get accustomed to simply because they were equipped to deal with him and had been paid to do so.   
'I really hope you decide yes,' Charles stood up, checking his watch. 'Anyway, I should dash because I have a lecture to give and Dayisha told me you have therapy in half an hour. I'll let you know how it goes, okay?' 

'So,' Yuri coughed awkwardly to catch Otabek's attention as he made himself his third cup of tea of the day. 'Charles is going to talk to the Cambridge board of governors and try to get me into the university.'   
'What, really? That's great!' Otabek picked him up and spun him round in glee, kissing his cheek. 'See, you are incredible, didn't I tell you? Now we can go celebrate at group, because it starts in fifteen minutes.'  
'Shit.'

Yuri was in a brilliant mood when they arrived at group, so much so that he couldn't wipe the smile off of his face. When Willow started talking about how she'd decided to talk to her doctor about changing her antidepressants and that now she was feeling miles better, he listened avidly and made a mental note about talking to Otabek about whether his medication was right for him. In all honesty, he hadn't been feeling so bad in the past few days and Dayisha was very vigilant about him taking them. When it came to the person before him in the circle he felt ready to talk, but there was still that familiar stab of anxiety. But he had to do this- he had to do it so he could cope with going to university, should the chance arise.   
'And Yuri, do you have anything to share this week?' Aman fixed him with a steady, kindly gaze.   
'Umm, yeah,' He blushed and looked down at his lap. 'I do.'   
He could see Otabek shift, clearly surprised.   
'I thought maybe I should explain why I'm not... As outgoing about all this,' he gestured vaguely, and Otabek supposed this was in reference to his mental illness. 'I dropped out of school the day before I was supposed to go to college. I got into a really good one to do the course I wanted, but it turned out somebody I knew was going. Uhh, when I was in secondary school, I got bullied a lot because- I don't know, I guess because I was smarter than everybody and they didn't like it. That's the thing with people; they like to feel superior, and they think everybody else is just some rung on a ladder that they need to step on to make it further up the scale. Obviously, I was stepped on a lot. Actually, once they stepped on my head so that was a pretty apt analogy. It got progressively worse and then it turned into sexual abuse and...' He trailed off, choking up, and everybody clamoured round him to calm him down, stroking his back and talking to him softly until he felt ready to finish what he had to say. He searched for Otabek's hand and clung tightly to it to give him the courage to continue.   
'Because of that I found it hard to connect with people, and I hid away for a long time and now I can't really talk to people my age because all I remember is what happened at school,' He took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his eyes. 'So yeah, that's it.'   
'Thank you for sharing that with us,' Aman smiled reassuringly at him, no judgement in his gaze. 'I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to do so. Now, George, do you have anything to share?'  
And just like that, they moved on and Yuri felt an immense weight lifted from his shoulders. It had been so easy to get that off his chest, even after all these years trying to forget it had ever happened. None of them had thought him disgusting for it, instead comforting him and respecting when he needed a moment to compose himself rather than plaguing him to carry on and give them all the details. The session flew by after that, and once or twice he even found himself trying to give advice. Once it ended, they all seemed to have plans together. He hung awkwardly next to Otabek until Nina met his eye, beckoning him over to the little crowd milling round in the corner. He shuffled over, hands rammed in his pockets and Otabek watching him closely.   
'We're going for lunch,' Nina told him, slipping an arm shyly round his. 'Do you... Maybe want to come? If not, I understand that-'  
'Sure,' he nodded. 'Can I just have one second?'   
He dashed over to Otabek and gave him a quick hug.   
'Is it okay if I go to lunch with them?'  
'Of course it is. Text me and I'll pick you up later, okay?'  
'Really?'  
'Yeah. I'll see you later, I love you,' He hugged him again and set him free. 

 

They decided on McDonald's in the end, because somebody had forgotten their purse and needed to borrow what cash the group could scrape together. Yuri didn't have any on him, but then he was never hungry and fast food made him sick. The only problem arose when Nina noticed he hadn't ordered anything and offered to share her fries with him, then the whole group chipped in and bought him his own large fries. They squished into a booth together, discussing some TV show Yuri had never heard of. He tried nibbling at a fry, but even the smell was nauseating and he couldn't manage it.   
'Not hungry?' Somebody whose name he thought might be Harriet asked when they noticed, concern etched into their expression.   
'Nah,' He looked up from his phone, on which he'd been texting Otabek to reassure him he was okay after a barrage of worried messages. Nina peered over his shoulder curiously.   
'You say I love you to each other?' She queried, leaning closer so she could make out the words better.   
'Umm, yeah, isn't that normal?' He frowned, reading over the messages.   
'Not really,' She shook her head. 'What about you guys?'  
'I never talk to my brother,' Willow shrugged.   
'Mine's at uni, but he snapchats me when he's drunk,' Might-be-Harriet giggled.   
'Hang on-' Yuri tried to explain, but they were all chatting avidly about their siblings and the various relationships they had with them.   
'I wish my brother cared that much about me. Otabek even comes to group!' George complained, fixing Yuri with a jealous, albeit friendly, stare.   
'Umm, he's not my brother,' he muttered, feeling his cheeks go hot pink. 'We don't exactly look alike.'   
'I figured he was adopted,' Nina lifted an eyebrow. 'So what is he to you then? Cousin? Step brother?'  
'Umm, he's actually my boyfriend.'  
'Oh right,' Nina's face fell some. 'That's nice- that's great. Yeah.'   
He nodded, twirling a piece of hair between his fingers.   
'How old is he?' Willow leaned towards him.   
'Twenty-one,' He mumbled.   
'And you're seventeen,' She remarked. 'How did you meet?'  
'He was on work experience as my carer.'  
'What, really?'   
'Well yeah, but I was the one who wanted it. Nothing happened until two months after he left.'  
'And he's, like, twice your size. Doesn't it hurt?'  
'No!' Yuri spluttered, his face going redder than ever before. 'Oh god, we don't- no!'  
'I'm only kidding,' She smacked him on the shoulder, making him wince. 'Oh, sorry.'  
'No, I have a cracked rib,' He put a hand on his defected body.   
'Shit, how come?'  
'I, ah, jumped in front of a car?' He said this like it was a question, hoping she wouldn't make too much of a fuss over it.   
'Jesus,' She breathed, but didn't press it. 'Tell me about Otabek, then.'  
'Nothing to tell.'  
'Aw, but it's cute.'   
'Not especially,' He pulled a face. 'He's just my boyfriend.'  
'Okay, okay,' She laughed, taking his fries. 'I can have these, right?'  
'Sure,' He was starting to feel a little uncomfortable, and it wasn't helping that they were in a very public place and people kept walking in and out, occasionally stopping to glance at him. 'I kind of need to go, is that okay?'  
They all said their respective goodbyes and he scrambled out of the booth, making an escape as quickly as he could. When he made it out onto the streets, however, nothing was better because now he was alone and there were people everywhere, walking quickly past or pausing momentarily to stare at the boy who had collapsed against the wall of a shop. He dropped his head in his hands, trying to hold himself together for a moment. He pulled out his phone and dialled Otabek's number.   
'Hi, you ready?'   
Hearing his voice was an immense relief and the feeling was so strong that Yuri started to tear up.   
'Yeah,' He managed to choke out. 'Newmarket Road.'   
'Are you okay?'  
'I'm fine, just hurry up.'   
'I'll be there in two minutes, I promise.'  
He hung up and started trying to regulate his breathing some, concentrating on the rhythm and the regularity of it just like Dayisha had done with him so many times. Soon he found that he was stable enough to stand up and hold his own weight, and it was at this point he was certain that he wanted to go to university. If he could get through that, he could survive a lecture every now and then. He was sure of it. By the time Otabek's car pulled up, he was standing straight with barely a care in the world. In fact, he felt like he could have walked home by himself without feeling too much like he wanted to cry. He climbed in, attached his seatbelt and leaned over to kiss Otabek on the cheek.   
'You sounded really upset over the phone,' He frowned, looking at him. 'Are you sure you're okay?'  
'Look at me, I'm fine!' Yuri grinned. 'I'm actually fine.'   
'Yeah?'  
'Yeah,' He took Otabek's hand in his, still smiling. 'I'm gonna be just fine.'


	17. Chapter 17

_**Five years on...** _

_'Are you sure you're ready for this?' Otabek let go of Yuri's hand so that he could do what he was there for. 'Because if you're not, we can go home right now. Like, any part of you that-'_  
Yuri silenced him with a kiss and beamed widely before reassuring him that he was fine and he didn't want to go home.   
'I love you,' He chirped and kissed him one last time on the cheek.   
'Love you too. Go get 'em, baby,' Otabek squeezed his shoulder and watched him bounce up onto the stage where he was anxiously awaited by about fifty teenagers who were in a bad place and had been recommended the group therapy organisation that had been founded by Aman three years ago. Now he had ten different groups running in several parts of Cambridge and it had been an immediate hit.   
'Uh, hi,' He waved awkwardly, and Otabek chuckled at him. 'I'm Yuri Plisetsky, I've been asked to come talk to you guys, although god knows why because I'm the least interesting person you've ever met. I don't look like much, right? Well, five years ago I was a shut-in. I never left the house, had constant panic attacks and was severely depressed for a very long time. There was a long string of suicide attempts and other things, but then I started doing this therapy group. I did the first ever group every three days and it actually really helped me. I know that therapy and all that sh- stuff seems really stupid and that, and trust me I thought so too, but opening up to all the people in my group was one of the best things I ever did because it gave me the courage to talk to other people, and soon I was able to leave the house and do normal, everyday things independently without a carer. Being in such a positive and supporting environment gives you skills you can apply to your life to learn to heal. I know you probably hear this every time your mental health is brought up or you talk about how you're getting by, but it really, honestly does get better. I mean, shit- sorry, I can't swear, can I?- right, I had nothing going for me, no prospects. I was a dropout who couldn't leave the house and spent most of my time in bed sleeping. But hey, life's pretty good for me now. I've graduated Cambridge university and have a PhD, I'm now a university professor and I'm engaged to the most wonderful man on the planet. Realistically, it won't get better today or tomorrow, and it won't get better if you don't, so take your pills and go to therapy. You have to let yourself heal and work from the inside out. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Hang in there, kids.'


End file.
